Sunday 22 September 2013

#75 Meet The Spartans (Wes)



Meet The Spartans
Oh joy. After having the pain of watching An Underground Comedy Movie we have another comedy to enjoy. Meet The Spartans is a spoof movie based around the story of 300, Frank Miller’s epic tale of the Battle of Thermopylae, where King Leonidas led 300 Spartans against an invading Persian army. As parodies go, I really wasn’t sure there’d be enough to mock in the historical war genre to make this a worthwhile movie. Was I right? Of course I was.
Leonidas (Sean Maguire) is trained from birth to be the king of the Spartans until he is eventually cast out into the wilderness to survive not only a harsh winter, but also a dancing penguin. Having survived he takes his place as king. He marries Margo (Carmen Electra) and they have a son who he then starts to train to become the future king. Whilst this is happening he is informed by Captain (Kevin Sorbo) of the arrival of a Persian messenger, who comes with the demands of the Persian king Xerxes (Ken Davitian) for Sparta’s surrender. Leonidas kicks the messenger into the Pit of Death, along with his guards, the judges of American Idol, Britney Spears (Nicole Parker) and several other people. Having decided to go to war with Persia, Leonidas gathers his army of Spartan warriors, who only number 13 due to the strict requirements for joining (“Hunky, with deep Mediterranean tans, hot bods and well-endowed"). At the Hot Gates they meet Paris Hilton (Nicole Parker again), who is horribly deformed, who tells them of a secret goat path above the Hot Gates. Leonidas rejects her wish to join his army and they soon face the first of Xerxes troops, whom they beat in a dance off. Paris Hilton eventually betrays the Spartans to Xerxes, and a mass battle between the two opposing armies ensues.

However just when you think this diabolical movie is over, another six minutes is inexplicably added post credits. None of this expands the story though, and just seems to be scenes that weren’t deemed good enough to be in the actual movie itself (and that really is saying something). They include George Bush jr. Tom Cruise and Ellen DeGeneres (Nicole Parker strikes back) being kicked into the Pit of Death, the Spartans celebrating with Hooters girls and Donald Trump firing Spider-Man in The Apprentice!
Everything about this movie that I was apprehensive about came true. In the past when spoof movies were made they’d be written with either terrible jokes that you just couldn’t help but laugh at (Airplane, The Naked Gun) or would be filled with brilliant references to genre specific films (Spaceballs). Now it seems that writers have so little imagination or skill they have to fill these films out with pop culture references that have absolutely nothing to do with the story itself. For example, Xerxes secret weapons in his army are Ghost Rider and Rocky Balboa. It’s almost as though the people writing these are less interested in making an audience laugh, and just want to prove how aware of pop culture they are. If any further proof of this is needed, there are also pointless references to Transformers, Grand Theft Auto and Ugly Betty.


I’m ashamed to say that I actually laughed a little at some of these at the beginning of the movie. When Leonidas is born, he is the third baby. The first is a talking ogre baby (Shrek 3) and the second is Vietnamese, which is adopted by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Next up is a parody of Casino Royale and then there’s a Happy Feet fight with a gangsta penguin. Unfortunately this is where the laughter stopped and the film descended into its expected blandness.
Many of the jokes in this movie revolve around the homo-erotic nature of these gladiatorial style movies. Twice in the movie the Spartans skip into battle singing I Will Survive. It’s as though the writers (Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer – who also directed) couldn’t be bothered to think of more than one gag, and thought that nobody would realise that they were recycling the same joke over and over again. In fact they do this a lot in the movie. The kicking people into the Pit of Death joke is so long and overplayed, that what could have been slightly amusing, descends quickly into the joke version of a relative that comes for breakfast, but stays until Christmas.
 
As far as the acting goes, Kevin Sorbo seems sorely wasted in this role as does Sean Maguire, both of whom actually seem to have good comic acting in them, perhaps with a little better writing they could actually made something of this movie. Carmen Elektra however has never been particularly good in anything I’ve ever seen her in, so her one-dimensional performance here came of no surprise.
Meet The`Spartans is a lame duck in a world where spoofing genres in movies and on TV has become a lot more intelligent. It dumbs down its jokes to a level where it’s just insulting to the movie watching populace and really shows how little some movie-makers think of its audience. I can’t see how this could amuse even the biggest lover of spoofs in anyway, and would urge you just to dig out your Mel Brooks or Jim Abrahams DVDs to remember the days when writers actually understood how to make somebody laugh.

Friday 6 September 2013

#76 The Underground Comedy Movie (1999) (Colin)

When it comes to describing comedy sketch shows, the term 'Hit and Miss', is often used.  This refers to a show where some of the sketches work and are belly achingly funny but some are painfully bad and totally forgettable.  For a show to be regarded as 'good', you either have to have more sketches which work than ones that don't or you have one sketch that's so pant wettingly genius, that the rest of the dire content can be forgotten or forgiven.

Personally, I think most sketch shows are 'Hit and Miss' and one in particular springs to mind; 'That Mitchell and Webb Look'.  I'm a big fan of David Mitchell and I really do like 'That Mitchell and Webb Look', but for 1 cracking gag, there are 3 or 4 lame ones.  What makes the show good is that the really good sketches are memorable and work well. For example, their sketch about the Nazi soldier who, upon seeing that the uniform has a skull and crossbones design, questions whether they are 'the baddies?'. This sketch is well written, brilliantly executed and often quoted. The misses, fortunately, are forgettable and so overall the show is perceived, quite rightly in my mind, as a good sketch show.

In fact, one of their funniest sketches is playing up to those of us who called it Hit and Miss. David Mitchell and Robert Webb are discussing what the running order of the show should be.  Mitchell glances down at a piece of paper and replies, 'I was thinking hit, hit, miss, miss, hit, miss, miss, hit, miss, miss, hit'. Genius!  In fact the whole sketch sums up the whole Hit and Miss thing really well and if you want to see it, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmYC7r4dViI

This is not a new phenomenon and is a condition that has affected sketch shows since their incarnation. Even Monty Python can be labelled 'Hit and Miss'. Controversial? Not really. For every parrot sketch there was an unfunny skit which tried to be too clever or just fell over. Season 4, after John Cleese left, is truly awful and if Monty Python's legacy was based on this season, then I very much doubt students would have been quoting it ad nauseum for the last 40 years!

So even those shows considered the best, groundbreaking or classic can be hit and miss, but why, in a movie blog, am I mentioning this? Well, our next movie isn't really a movie at all, it's a series of sketches. Therefore, this blog is going to be slightly different as there is no plot to dissect and no story to examine. This blog, will look briefly at each sketch and will ask the question:

Was it a hit or was it a miss?

#76 The Underground Comedy Movie (1999). 

The Underground Comedy Movie started life as a show on cable in the US at the end of the 80's. The brainchild of Vince Offer, this was a sketch show that was rude, crude and offensive.  The fact it was a cable show, I did not know until the end credits, but it did explain why the whole feel is that off a cheap amateur production.  In some ways, I respect Offer for keeping the very essence of his original production for the big screen adaption, but did it work?  Well, as this is a bad movie blog you can probably guess the answer, but let's examine the skits more closely before we jump to conclusions......

The movie starts with a definition of 'satire' and a guarantee to offend.  I personally think they should have started with a definition of funny as they don't seem to understand that particular word.....

Marilyn Monroe Parody It starts with Vince Offer's first character which looks like a cross between Shaggy from Scooby Doo and Mumra from Thudercats.  Offer goes underground, turns an industrial fan on and points it upwards towards a grate. The camera goes above ground where a Marilyn Monroe style scene awaits. A woman walks over the grate, her dress is blown up by the fan and she looks like she's enjoying the sensation.  Shag-ra looks up, makes some grunts and then starts filming the event.  NoFx then blasts out and the movie begins. As it raised a snigger and the music was kickass it starts with a HIT.

Biker's Opening Credits Throughout the NoFx opening credits, Vince and his biker mates are cruising down the highway.  We pan out and the Harleys we thought they were racing, are in fact push bikes with high handlebars.  OK, I laughed at this, so another HIT.

Batman and Rhymer  I won't lie, I found this sketch very funny.  This is about a character called the Rhymer, who is a based loosely on The Riddler and speaks only in rhyme.  He goes to rob a bank, but doesn't realise it's a sperm bank, (the sign is being worked on and said 'Bank' when he went in, but the second half of the sign, 'Sperm', is fitted after).  Upon his escape he runs into Batman, a baseball uniform wearing crime fighter, (yes, I did laugh at the play on words, I must have been very hungover when I watched this) and promptly throws his loot into an old ladies shopping trolley.  Batman, naturally, believes the old lady is the thief.

The old lady is hilarious and can not act.  This would be bad, but is part of her charm as she just speaks straight from a script, with absolutely no emotion, punctuation or variance of pitch.  She is then subject to some hardcore slapstick humour. She gets beaten up by Batman and pushed in her shopping trolley into oncoming traffic and ends up in a mobility scooter tearing down the road towards Batman.  Batman takes a swing, connects with an obviously fake version of the old lady and sends her head towards 2 hungry rottweilers.

I really liked this sketch, it's daft, full of slapstick and has some genuine laugh out loud moments.  Without a doubt this sketch is a HIT.

Baywatch Spoof Oh dear, oh dear oh dear, this gag revolves around the fact that Baywatch sounds like 'Boobwatch'.  Eh? It doesn't. Awful. MISS

Orchard Sketch involves a redneck catching Gena Lee Nolin stealing oranges and then speaking (shouting) insanely to her.  It is really weird, not funny weird, but where the heck are they going with this weird.  Not every sketch has to have a punchline, Python proved that, but it's got to at least attempt to be funny.  This just involved the redneck blowing raspberries and talking loudly.  Oh and Vince Offer being naked and scratching dirt.  MISS

Batman and Rhymer Returns A not as funny follow up to the earlier sketch, sees Batman and his arch nemesis, old lady, do battle. She is armed with a walking stick, he with a dildo.  The old lady finally gets her revenge when she knocks Batman out with a baseball bat.  It really is not as funny as the first time around, but there is still some good slapstick. For instance, Rhymer swaps a baseball for a grenade which then blows a catcher's hand off. This is quite funny and done rather well.  A not as good as before HIT

I Hate LA Song OK, Vince Offer seems to have good taste in music, as the soundtrack proves, but he can not sing.  This song is however, observant and quite funny.  It talks about aspects of LA often ignored, such as the slums and the red light districts or the violence and drug problems.  It lampoons the wannabes in LA and the plastic silicon fakery of Hollywood.  Not laugh out loud as such, but I thought quite clever, so another HIT

The Godmother As you may guess is a spoof of The Godfather.  This sketch sees a turn around in the movie, unfortunately for all the wrong reasons.  We start to see the side of Offer that believes in order to be funny, all he has to do is offend.  He is so painfully wrong.

The premise is that some mafia type proposes to The Godmother to substitute beef mince in her restaurants for foetuses.  I am afraid you have read that correctly.  There is no gag here, no punchline and needless to say, if he is trying to be funny he is way off the mark.

Offensive is easy, any dick can do it.  The clever bit is making it funny.  I am sorry to repeat Wes, but South Park, Something About Mary, or Team America, all could be offensive, but all have a wonderfully clever sense of humour.  Often the offensive part is just a ridiculous stereotype that is mocked. Or the offensive material becomes so ludicrous it can not be taken seriously.  Offer proves he just has not got that extra something to turn bad taste to humour.

We're half an hour in and if Offer had finished with the I Hate LA song, it would have been a good sketch show and he would not have been found out.  He didn't and we were subjected to the most crass, unfunny piece of shit I have ever had the misfortune to watch.   A colossal MISS

The Adventures Of Dickman Is about a superhero who has a huge penis for a head.  It involves big titted women getting their big tits out and Dickman spunking all over them.  This is the high brow point of the show and was written by Professor of Subtle humour at Cambridge University, Sir Stanley Smythe.  Thankfully, it was a short skit but I have to admit that the sight of a man with a large penis for a head wearing a hat and oversized glasses was funny.  Overall though, MISS.

Watt's Up Talk Show A brief sketch about a talk show presented by a fictitious black DJ, who invites a member of KKK onto the show and blows his head off.  I assume Offer is trying to say here, 'hey look, I'm cool really, see I hate real bad people too', but he just comes across as an idiot by this point. MISS

The Miss America Bag Lady Pageant is an unfunny sketch about a beauty pageant for the homeless.  It is set in the 'humourous' location 'The Toilet Bowl', (The Hollywood Bowl, geddit?) and involves tramp type old ladies taking part in a beauty pageant.  It stars Slash from Guns N Roses as the MC of the pageant.  I think he is supposed to be acting really pissed and stumbles and wanders over the set.  What I can not understand is how bad he is at acting pissed, considering it was his natural state for 20 years.

There are no laughs to be had, it really is just based on the idea that the The Hollywood Bowl is The Toilet Bowl and wouldn't it be funny if the park dwellers and homeless types held their very own beauty pageant.  The answer is no.  MISS.

Flirty Harry Hey look, Flirty Harry rhymes with Dirty Harry. Ha ha ha ha.  This sketch involves Offer completely getting his stereotypes confused.  Flirty Harry is gay and apparently likes to wear women's clothes.  Hang on, oh never mind, I would try to explain to him that gay does not equal transvestite, but hell Offer has gone off on his own little bigoted tangent and not only is he lazy offensive, he is now being lazy at being offensive.  MISS

The Porno Review is a spoof film review show, specialising in, yep, Porno.  First up is Sushi Mama, a Chinese style, Bruce Lee dubbed porno film, (Offer is now confusing the Far East countries).  Funny in places, but goes on for too long in the same vein, (a big purple headed one, tee-hee, see Offer, that's how it's done).

Next Donna of the Dead, a zombie necrophilia porno.  Again, Offer spent 2 seconds finding a not so good pun and then wrote a far too long sketch to go with it.  This basically involves porn actor, Arnold Swollenpecker, (OK, I'll give you that one Offer), getting all sexy and aroused over his dead lover.  It drags and drags and the initial humour soon evaporates.

Finally, Spermlake.  Another bad pun this time on Swan Lake and involves very ugly people doing ballet and a very long jizz scene. This entire sketch is just too long and feels like I really am watching a very boring film review show.  Unfortunately, I have had enough of boring film reviews which try to be funny but are not. Ahem.  MISS

OJ Simpon Trial Spoof I can not work out if this is clever or not.  It basically involves an all black jury, bar 2 white jurors, who try to be hip and cool and find OJ not guilty as 'the brother has been framed', but who get shouted down by the rest of the jurors.  After one juror threatens to give 'honky' a slapping, they change their minds and the OJ character is found guilty.

I don't know if this is clever or just very racist.  The white jurors were trying to be something they are not and was quite well done, but the rest of the jury was just a very outdated stereotypical mess that dragged Norbit's stereotypes into the 21st century.  MISS

The End 'I don't think anyone will sit through the end of the movie unless there is someone famous at the end' proclaims Offer.  He was partly right, no-one will sit through to the end of the movie, unless off course you write for a bad movie blog.

We end with clips from their original cable show, which in some ways looked better than the movie.  Then we go back to Shag-ra from the first scene who is still looking up through the grate at 'Marilyn Monroe'.  Unfortunately, lots of men have now formed around 'Marilyn' to watch and are jerking off.  Cue Shag-ra getting covered in spunk and we end.  MISS

Well, not quite the end as throughout the movie are little snippets entitled 'Things You'll Never See' and are supposed to be humorous observations about society. Here's a brief overview:

Things You'll Never See - Supermodels taking a dump.  This involves 2 models in toilets with fart noises and splashing dubbed over. Seriously, this is just lame. MISS

Things You'll Never See -  A big black gay bald virgin.  This sketch stars Michael Clarke Duncan and I really wonder why he put himself through this.  It is not clever or funny.  You get the feeling by now that Vince Offer just chucks a load of offensive terms into a hat, pulls them out to form a nice long offensive sentence and then just lamely shoves it into the movie.  This snippet is revisited several times throughout the movie and gets no funnier.  MISS

Things You'll Never See - A beautiful young girl, dating an older man, who is poor.  This is a humorous observation although the skit to accompany it is not.  It is the best of the bunch though and is a HIT.

So overall was it a hit or a miss? There is a funny 22 minute sketch show trying to get out of this movie. Unfortunately it's suffocating under a pile of filler, lame jokes and offensive for offensive sake guff. The bad stuff just went on for way too long and the funny bits became forgotten. 

At the end of the movie there is a message to the Farrelly brothers to give back their promotional copy of Underground Comedy Movie as they have already stolen enough jokes from it for Something About Mary.  Personally I think this is a case if sour grapes as they are just more clever and successful than Offer, but if there is some truth to this, then maybe this highlights the problem. 

In Underground Comedy Movie there are some good ideas and I'm sure if done correctly, could have worked better. Maybe Offer's strong point is that he's an ideas man. Perhaps he should pitch ideas, bring in someone for the writing and script producing and then make a movie with them.  If people like the Farrelly Brothers, who can actually write comedy had been brought in, then maybe this film would not have made our list.

Things you'll never see: Vince Offer making an Oscar acceptance speech. 

Verdict: a definite hit and miss, but more hit and miss

Monday 2 September 2013

#76 The Underground Comedy Movie (Wes)



The Underground Comedy Movie
When you get a DVD and it firstly claims that that the movie is guaranteed to offend and secondly that it follows in the traditions of The Kentucky Fried Movie, then you may start to question why this movie has made our 100 bad movies list. I know I did. Then I watched it.
This is the part where I’d usually give you a synopsis of the plot of the movie, but this is actually really hard to do with The Underground Comedy Movie, as there is no plot. It’s merely a collection of skits each trying to offend or parody various movies/situations. There’s a Godfather parody (The Godmother), a series of superhero sketches (with Batman – a man who carries a baseball bat and the criminal Rhymer and then later with Dickman), a series of “Things You Never See”, a bag lady beauty pageant (co-hosted by Slash), the gay virgin (Michael Clarke Duncan), a porn review show and lots of other immediately forgettable sketches.



Directed, written and starring Vince Offer, this movie misses the point in the most spectacular fashion. I get the feeling that he called it The Underground Comedy Movie, just so that people realised that it was supposed to be a comedy. It actually starts off with a few laughs, but it loses its way faster than the film students in The Blair Witch Project.
The first proper sketch, the Batman/Rhymer skit, is actually quite funny in a juvenile way. The Rhymer robs a sperm bank (they have no cash, so he steals the sperm), and soon runs into Batman. He throws the sperm into an old lady’s shopping cart and Batman beats her up instead. Not exactly highbrow material, but it provides a few laughs. Unfortunately they’re the only laughs you get (except for one porn stars name – Arnold Swollenpecker). Everything else in this movie is so poorly written that you start to believe there wasn’t actually a script involved. Rather that Vince Offer just plied the cast with alcohol and told them just to improvise.


The scenes of  “Things You’ll Never See” are just abysmal, and seem like filler of the worst kind. Two supermodels sitting on toilets next to each other taking a dump really aren’t that funny. It’s true that you’re never likely to see this, but then again, I don’t actively go out of my way to watch anyone curling one out, so that's hardly a surprise. Vince Offer though seems to think this moment is hilarious and slots in these farting and straining ladies at regular intervals.
In theory this movie has a few good ideas, which maybe would work well in a TV sketch show, but they really need to be developed by people with an actual talent for comedy. Unfortunately Vince Offer seems to make the very basic error of thinking that being offensive for the sake of it is funny. Being deliberately offensive is one of the easiest things in the world to do, doing it without coming across as just being a nasty, racist, homophobic piece of trash isn’t. Other filmmakers who do this well understand exactly how far you can push things with regards to gross out humour or stereotyping (eg Matt Stone and Trey Parker or The Farrelly Brothers), Offer has no idea how to handle this. His jokes all come across as nothing more than playground level toilet humour. Even the gay steward in Soul Plane was done with more taste and humour, and that’s something I never thought I’d be typing. 


When I learnt that this movie spun out of a Public Access TV show then it all started to make a little more sense. It’s like an amateur Saturday Night Live, but with absolutely none of the humour (basically like a post mid-90s Saturday Night Live). The fact that they have the audacity to compare this film to The Kentucky Fried Movie is just insulting. Yes it has the same basic premise, but The Kentucky Fried Movie was made by people with actual talent, who went on to make some of the funniest movies ever. Vince Offer has gone on to make a sequel to this movie (An InAPPropriate Comedy – which somehow stars Adrien Brody).
The only good thing I can actually say about this movie is that it has a decent soundtrack. Featuring songs from NOFX, Guttermouth and Snuff, it was the only thing that stopped me from throwing my Macbook through a window to escape this pile of turgid crap.


If you want to watch something offensive then I really suggest that you stick on South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut or watch the TV show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you really want to be completely offended then maybe you should just pick a random video on YouTube and read the comments underneath. Just don't waste your time watching this. At this point I feel I can actually help Vince Offer with an idea for his next sequel, "Things You'll Never See": Me watching this pile of steaming crap again.