#71 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Wes)

 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

After the having to suffer Gigli, it was a relief to know that not only was our next movie a B-movie, but it was a kids film too. Also it’s a nice short movie so even if it was terrible (a distinct possibility on this list), then it would all be over in 80 minutes. I’d never actually seen this film, not being a fan of most Xmas movies, but I did know one thing from it. I’ve said before about the punk band Sloppy Seconds writing a song based on The Horror of Party Beach, well they also covered the theme tune from this “Hooray For Santy Claus” which can be heard here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTFWrBnmQrg

On Mars worried parents Moma (Leila Martin) and Kimar (Leonard Hicks) are concerned that their children are watching too much Earth television. Due to the way Mars society is structured the kids aren’t allowed to be free and have fun. So like any sensible person, the Martians decide the best way to combat this is to kidnap Santa Claus (John Call) and force him to make toys for the Martian children. To make matters worse, the Martians kidnap two children to make sure they kidnap the real Santa and take them back to Mars too. The evil Martian Voldar (Vincent Beck) thinks that Santa is corrupting the Martian children and wants to kill him and the kids, and plots to kidnap him from the Martian toy factory (which he also sabotages). Unfortunately for him he kidnaps Dropo (Bill McCutcheon), a Martian who is a big Santa fan and who has started to dress as him. Will Santa be able to save the day and get back his freedom? Do I really need to answer that question?

Basically this film is a prototype to A Nightmare Before Christmas. It has kidnapping, a great song, and acting that could rival any stop-motion picture of its time. Of course being a live action film, this isn’t necessarily a good thing, but the analogy still stands.

Although this is undoubtedly a terrible movie, it’s also an unintentionally hilarious one. There are many great examples of this, but one of the best is when the kids encounter a polar bear at the North Pole. It’s the most unconvincing man in a bear costume that I’ve ever seen. This includes the various people I’ve seen collecting money for charity whilst dressed in badly made costumes and also the old Hofmeister lager  “follow the bear” adverts. 

But the bad costumes don’t stop there. The Martians have a robot called Torg who seems to operate on the same principle as Siri. Every word has to be carefully said to make it understand. It looks like it’s made of a cardboard box spray-painted silver, with a few dials painted on it. Why is this? Because it IS a made of a cardboard box spray-painted silver, with a few dials painted on it. The head looks a little better, even thugh it wobbles on top of the body, but it’s still just a large can spray-painted silver with two orange painted plastic bulbs for eyes and a gaping mouth. The arms and legs are the standard silver coloured heating duct tubes. It’s a thing of beauty. A thing of beauty that could have been made in any primary school.

As for the rest of the cast, the Martians are just a bunch of actors painted a weird green colour, wearing capes and awful looking helmets. I've actually started to notice a trend amongst the costume design of B-movies. They all at once seem to have decided that if you need a helmet, then raiding the inner workings of your dishwasher produces THE most futuristic effect. Actually I'm glad that these people had all the latest kitchen appliances at their disposal. Seeing a Martian with a U-bend stuck on the side of his helmet would just silly. Oh well, at least they didn’t manage to mess up the Santa costume TOO badly and he has a marvellous looking beard. 

Another hilarious moment is when Voldar shoots Santa’s elves with a freeze ray. The actors are as wobbly as the actors in Troll 2 when Grandpa Seth freezes time to allow Joshua to stop the family from eating the deadly Nilbog food (you can read all about that here http://100reasonstogooutside.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/74-troll-2-wes.html). Actually they're probably worse. Even Micheal J. Fox playing Musical Statues on a moving train would be more convincing. To top the hilarity off I honestly can’t think of another movie that has misspelt newspaper headlines in it (SANTA CLAUS KIDNAPED BY MARTIANS).

The acting is generally abysmal, but John Call plays a suitably jolly Santa, and Leonard Hicks isn’t too bad as the Martian leader. Bill McCutcheon as Dropo is like a camp, drunk uncle. Quite obviously he’s meant to be the comic relief in this movie, but was actually the only person that didn’t make me laugh. The two kids (Victor Stiles and Donna Conforti) enunciate every line of their scripts slowly as if to make sure they’re getting every word right. It’s. Like. Watching. William. Shatner. As. A. Child. Actor.

As usual though it really doesn’t help the actors if the script is bad, and the script for this is unsurprisingly terrible. It does feature some amazingly bad lines though, which again are so funny that they just add nothing but charm to the movie. My favourite exchange in the movie is between the two Martians Rigna and Voldar:

Rigna - "Chochem is eight hundred years old, you can't dismiss the wisdom of centuries."
Volda - "I can."

Whilst this movie is terrible, it’s also a joyous watch. Bad acting, awful costumes, ridiculous plot and the best Christmas song ever recorded make for a fun movie, and shouldn’t that be what Christmas movies should be all about? Now everyone with me… S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S. HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUS!

#71 Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964) (Colin)

I have to admit, our last movie, Gigli, left me rocking back and forth, depressed and at a new low.  The Valium I was prescribed did not touch the sides and I was ready to call Wes and admit defeat.  I really could not take another 71 movies which are, in theory, worse than Gigli, I mean what on earth would that involve?  8 hours of a blank screen?  16 hours of white noise?  32 hours of Adam Sandler?!  *Shudders*.

So with a shaky hand over my eyes I glanced down at the list and hunted for the next movie we must watch.  I read it, re-read it, did my best dancing ever and cheered, we were finally back into 'B' movie Sci-Fi heaven!

Regular readers will know I do love a good (or bad, depending on how you look at it), Sci-Fi 'B' movie and that I am also a fan of the 90's classic show, Mystery Science Theater 3000.  The next movie on our list featured on this show and so I knew I was in safe hands!  What's good enough for the Satellite of Love, is good enough for me!

And so after several hot showers with bleach and a Brillo pad, I had managed to get 80% of the stench of Gigli out of my system.  I was finally prepared to give another 'bad' movie a go.......

#71 Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

The Martians are worried about their children.  Momar, (Leila Martin) and Kimar, (Leonar Hicks), are wondering why their kids are depressed, not eating their food pills and spend vast amounts of time watching TV.  The children, Bomar, (Chris Month) and Girmar, (Pia Zadora), watch a lot of Earth TV, which I think says a lot about Martian TV.  I am no expert on Martian TV, but I did see a clip from the 70's of the type of programming they have to offer and watching robots trying to make mashed potato probably gets boring after a while.

They decide to consult the old wise man, Choclem, (Carl Don) as to why the kids are so unhappy.  Choclem, who is a bit of a know it all, says he had seen this coming for many years, (but obviously did not occur to him to say anything.  'Just let the little gits suffer' seems to be his thinking) and that it is Mars' rigid structure which is causing them to be miserable.  Apparently before they can walk, they are forced to work, have education pumped directly into their brains and have to watch Piers Morgan's Life Stories 5 times a day.

It's OK though, Choclem has an answer to their problems.  To make them forget all about being forced to work underground for 18 hours a day from new born, they need to kidnap a fat bloke with a large sack.  Yes, Earth's very own Santa Claus was needed to inject a bit of fun into their lives.  This is good news to Kimar, he can cheer up his children and a happy child could work for 19 hours down the mine! 

Kimar and his crew set off to Earth to kidnap Santa but when they get there they run into a small problem.  As it is approaching Christmas there are a lot of Santas working in Malls, walking the streets ringing bells and getting pissed with their Christmas bonus.  The Martians do not know which one is the real one and decide to kidnap 2 children, Billy, (Victor Stiles) and Betty, (Donna Conforti) in the theory that they will know the real Santa from the fakes, (they're not fakes, they're Santa's helpers.  Right readers?).

So far we have had child slave labour, the kidnap of 2 children and a plan to abduct a fat old man!  Happy Christmas Everybody!

Billy and Betty tell the Martians that the real Santa will be at the North Pole and not in Debenham's doorway with a brown bag of liquor and trousers smelling of piss.  On arrival, Betty and Billy manage to escape and try to track down Santa to warn him about the Martian's kidnapping plans.  Unfortunately they are attacked by a man in white pyjamas with a teddy bear for a head, (could be a polar bear, I'm not a zoologist) and whilst fleeing are capturing by the Martian's man in a tin foil cardboard box, (who may or may not be a robot, I'm not a robotologist), called Torr.  They then steal Santa.

With Santa and the 2 kids safely on board the spaceship, they begin the journey back to Mars.  It is at this point that we discover that not all of the Martians are particularly stoked about the idea of helping Santa.  Voldar, (Vincent Beck), is a baddie and you know he is a baddie as he has a unfeasibly large moustache.  He thinks there is nothing wrong with sending young Bomar down salt pit for tuppence a fortnight and does not want Santa to make it to Mars.

Voldar tries to kill Santa and the children by opening an air lock to send them into space.  Voldar fails and is promptly locked in the ships prison where he is guarded by a halfwit called Dropo, (Bill McCutcheon).  It takes Voldar about 2 minutes to outsmart Dropo and to escape.  Personally I'm surprised it took that long, Dropo is as bright as a broken 2w energy saving light bulb in a black hole.....during a power cut.

Upon arriving on Mars, Santa builds a toy factory and Billy and Betty help him to make toys for the Martian children.  Santa meets Bomar and Girmar and starts ho-ho-hoing rather a lot.  Bomar and Girmar find the laugh infectious and join in with him, which is the first time they have ever laughed.  This is supposed to be a pivotal moment in the story and a joyous occasion, but Santa does go OTT with the ho-ho-hoing and to be honest, the tone becomes sinister and surreal and I can now add Santa Claus to clowns, spiders and Pier Morgan to the list of things that gives me the hebee gebees.

Dropo, finding Santa Claus' spare suit and fake beard, puts them on and visits the factory.  He fancies himself as a bit of a Martian Santa Claus and decides to make some toys.  However, Voldar and his henchmen, Stobo, (Al Nesor) and Shim, (Joe Elic), had planned to kidnap Santa Claus and to hold him hostage so as to get this silly Christmas thing dropped.  Off course this means that they actually end up kidnapping Dropo.  Unaware of this, they flee and on the way out of the factory tamper with the toy making machines.

When Santa returns to the factory, the toys produced are shocking, (and available at a 99p store near you) and he realises something is up.  Voldar bursts into the factory to have it out with Kimar but does a double take thingy when he sees Santa and realises he's kidnapped the wrong moron.

Intent on revenge, Voldar gets out his death ray gun but is beaten back by the force of Billy and Betty's bubble producing guns, (?) and small plastic toys and it is not long before he is arrested.  Santa is safe, the toys are produced and the children of Mars enjoy their first Christmas, (hooray).  Kimar, realising that the children are now distracted from their futile existence, quietly drops their dental plans and health insurance.

Billy and Betty now become sad and Santa explains to Kimar that they really should return to earth.  Kimar is reluctant as it means he may have to explain why 2 new pit employees have gone missing and because Santa may go with them.  Santa tells Kimar to fear no more, as Santa has been so impressed with Dropo acting like a tit with the red suit and fake beard, he is confident that Dropo would make an excellent Martian Santa.

Kimar agrees, Billy, Betty and Santa return to earth and both planets enjoy Christmas forever.  The End and as the song title for the movie says: 'Horray for Santa Claus'!

This film looks very dated, it probably looked dated back in 1964 when it was first released, but it really has not stood the test of time.  Rather than looking like a movie the whole thing has the feel of a very low budget 60's kids TV show.  That, however, would be an insult to 60's kids TV shows as Lost in Space looks like Avatar compared to this movie.

The set is very wobbly and recycled in more ways than one.  If we ever did decide to conquer Mars, then all we would need to be armed with is a stiff breeze to bring down all of their major cities.  The North Pole looks suspiciously like the Mars set but with dandruff and if Santa had refused to join in, the Martians could have used Pantene as a threat.

The movie has a very stereotypical vision of the future for the 60's and lacks imagination or thought.  The Martians, for example, are in crash helmets with flexible pipes and TV aerials protruding from the top.  The language used tries to sound futuristic, but sound prehistoric.  The TV, for example, is called the 'Video Set', the camera is the 'Magniscope' and every instrument on the spaceship is set to '3rd power'.  If someone from the 19th century had managed to travel to the future, they would have laughed at how ancient this all sounds!

As briefly mentioned earlier, the 'polar bear' looks bloody awful and is clearly a bloke on all fours.  The robot is even worse and looks like a school project with tin foil, PVC glue and macaroni.  This is made more humorous when Santa takes one look at the robot and proclaims that it is well made.  On the basis of that, I don't particularly want any toys from his factory as the teddy bears will probably have a spike for a neck, toys cars made from lead and dolls which spontaneously burst into flames!

The acting, as you would expect, is not up to much.  Kimar has more ham than a pig playing Hamlet in Hamburg, the baddie Voldar is camper than Graham Norton in a tent and Santa Claus laughs so much he actually becomes sinister and quite scary.

So the film is dated, stereotypical, looks and feels cheap, has a shaky set and the actors can't act.  Off course, this means I absolutely loved it!  It is brilliant and all of the warmth and unintentional humour which was so missing from The Horror of Party Beach, is back with abundance!

I love the moment when the TV reporter, upon interviewing Mrs. Claus who was frozen in time whilst Santa was kidnapped, claims she has 'postively identified the kidnappers as Martians'.  This is done so seriously that I wonder how she had positively ID'd them?  Was she shown other aliens? 

Police: Vogons?
Mrs Claus: No. 
Police: Klingons?
Mrs Claus: No.
Police: Cybermen?
Mrs Claus: Gosh, no, way off. 
Police: Well can you describe them then? 
Mrs Claus: Yes, they were green, had TV's on their heads and looked a lot like The Great Gazoo but taller and a lot less annoying.
Police: Ah Martians!
Mrs Claus: That's the ones!

(Incidentally, it's quite funny when Betty points to the aerials on the Martian's head and asks if they are walking TVs).

There are also 'dad gags' which I love, such as 'What's soft and round and you put it on a stick and you toast it on a fire and it's green?.......A Maritan Mallow!' and Dropo insistence that he is not lazy and always asleep, but had forgotten how to sleep and was just practicing.

I love the fact neither Santa Claus or the earth children are appalled when they hear that the Martian children are sent to work as soon as they can walk.  Or the fact that the writers felt the need to invent a Martian month called 'Septober'.  Or that Kimar suggests to use 'sleep spray' on their children as they can not sleep, (erm, try warm milk first).  And how the Martians only use the radar block on their spaceship after they have already been spotted.

Oh and that the character's name Momar, sounds like a lady garden.

The best unintentional funny part for me is actually at the very end of the movie during the credits.  The film begins and ends with a very catchy tune called, 'Hooray For Santa Claus', which is sung by a sugar sweet all American nuclear family children.  The funny part is because of the children's accent, 'Santa' become 'Santy'.  Therefore at the end of the movie, they spell out Santa's name like so: 'S.A.N.T.A C.L.A.U.S' and then conclude with 'Hooray for Santy Claus'.  Subtle I admit, but it did make me laugh.

In conclusion then, I think that whoever compiled this list was an idiot, (which as it was me, I can indeed confirm).  How a movie like Santa Claus Conquers The Martians can be higher up the list than Gigli, or Inchon!, or The Conqueror shows how subjective such lists can be and I would not be surprised if we encounter a few more gems along the way.

Back to Santy Claus though and I can not recommend this movie enough.  It is on YouTube currently and if you liked Plan 9, MST3K or bad B movies in general, then you will not be disappointed.  So grab your bubble gun, put a TV aerial on your head, crawl on all fours like a Polar Bear and sing along to the catchy theme tune, (the words are on screen at the end of the movie, so no excuses!).......

'Hang up that mistletoe
Soon you'll hear Ho Ho Ho
On Christmas Day
You'll wake up and you'll say
Hooray for Santy Claus
S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus'

#72 Gigli (Wes)

Gigli

Kevin Smith has made some of my all time favorite movies. I even enjoyed Jersey Girl after spending years avoiding it due to the amount of Smith fans that I know who slated it. But it wasn’t just the opinions of other people that made me reticent to watch it, it was the fact that it starred Ben Affleck. I know that sounds silly, especially after Affleck had been in all of Smiths movies since Mallrats, leading in Chasing Amy, and having a major role in Dogma, but perhaps that’s the magic of Smith. He can take an actor I really don’t like very much and with a great script actually get me to like his performance. So when Gigli became the next movie to watch on our list I briefly wondered whether Martin Brest could repeat this feat. But of course this is a list of the worst movies ever, so I didn’t wonder for long at all…

Ben Affleck plays Larry Gigli, a mobster who kidnaps Brian (Jusin Bartha), the mentally challenged brother of a federal prosecutor who is attempting to send a mob boss to prison. Not trusting Gigli, his boss sends Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) to ensure the job gets done properly. Gigli gets annoyed that he has to follow the orders of a woman (who is also a lesbian, which annoys him further), whilst putting up with Brian and his obsessive wish to “go to the Baywatch”. Of course things go wrong, but Gigli being the charmer that he is still manages to sleep with Ricki (so that’s two lesbians that Affleck has turned straight due to his charm – see also Chasing Amy), and eventually get Brian to a beach where Baywatch is being filmed, so everyone is happy. Except me, and the thousands of other people who’ve seen this movie. Probably pissed the lesbian community off a bit as well.

  

So why do I have such a dislike of Affleck? Is it because he’s been in one of the worst movies I ever decided to sit through (and by some miracle didn’t make this list) – Pearl Harbour? A movie that I’m not ashamed to admit made me cry. Not because it was sad, but because I needed to pee so badly, but didn’t want to pause and therefore stretch out my torture by another minute or two. Is it because of his dreadful portrayal of Matt Murdock/Daredevil, which has made me dread ever seeing him play a super-hero ever again (thankfully his portrayal of Batman will be alongside Superman, so I can happily avoid that movie – and if you want to understand my hatred of Superman then check out my review of Superman IV here http://100reasonstogooutside.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/91-superman-iv-quest-for-peace-wes.html). I can’t pin down the exact reason why I dislike him so much, but having to watch him in a movie just fills me with anger.

So just how bad is Ben Affleck in this movie? I think I should probably let some of my tweets from the night we watched this do the talking really:

(After Affleck pretends a torch is a walkie talkie to fool Brian into thinking the Baywatch was shut for the day) “The torch was about as convincing as a walkie-talkie as Ben Affleck is as convincing as a hitman”.

“Ben Affleck is the least convincing gangster since Bugsy Malone”.

“He's more Ronnie Corbett than Ronnie Kray”.

“Ben Affleck is the least convincing person at being seductive since Slimer flew through Bill Murray in Ghostbusters”.

“More al fresco than Al Capone”.

“Fun fact: there was so little electricity between Affleck and Lopez that Gigli was the worlds first solar powered movie”.

Yes, the movie was so bad that I spent much of it trying to think of the names of real-life gangsters just so I could make bad puns (Colin was much better than me at this game, hence the random gags too) . Unfortunately I couldn’t think of a Dillinger pun, so if anyone out there can come up with one, then please comment and make me laugh.

The other actors in this are barely powerhouses either. Jennifer Lopez, who was once out-acted by a terrible looking CGI snake in Anaconda, really should have stuck to a career in music. Not that I think she had any talent in that either, but it would mean that I wouldn’t have to sit through another one of her insipid performances ever again. The only other movies I’ve ever seen Justin Bartha in are the National Treasure movies where he spent two movies having to fight Nicholas Cage for screen time. In Gigli it’s like he’s in an amateur dramatics version of Rain Man.

This movie actually does star two of Hollywood’s greatest actors in minor roles, but unfortunately even they put in forgettable performances. When your film can’t be saved by Al Pacino or Christopher Walken, then you know that something major has gone wrong. I think much of this can be blamed on what is the Vogon poetry of scripts. When Ricki finally relents to the charm bombardment that Gigli is hitting her with (I can only guess this happened off-screen), she lies on the bed seductively and utters the immortal lines “It’s turkey time. Gobble gobble”. I’m not entirely sure where this sort of thing is ever considered sexy, but it’s certainly not on any planet I’ve ever walked on. I don’t think I need to expand on anything more to do with that script, that really does just sum everything up (I really wish that I made that up, but that atrocious scene can be seen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vw9sQ98s9AE).

I honestly can’t think of a single bit of this movie where I wasn’t thoroughly bored or just confused as to what the actual point of the movie was. That actually makes it worse the An Underground Comedy Movie, which at least made me laugh a little at the beginning. Those are words that I honestly didn’t expect to be typing at any point soon. This is definitely one movie to avoid, I would say it was a complete turkey, but that just brings back terrible memories of watching it. Gobble gobble *shudders*.

#72 Gigli (2003) (Colin)

After having to veer sharply off our list and down a bad movie cul-de-sac, we have managed to reverse out, dodge the cat and are back out on the main road of crap, that is, our original bad movie top 100 list!

The next movie on our list actually excited me, up to a point.  When I read the film was about 2 contract killers who work for the mob and kidnap the brother of a federal prosecutor in an attempt to keep a New York mob boss from jail, I thought, 'you know what, that sounds good'.  And then when I saw that Al Pacino and Christopher Walken was in it, I had to rub my eyes, shake my head and double check our bad movie list in case I'd made a mistake.  Then I spotted that the movie starred Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, and suddenly all became clear.

Apart from in movies directed by Kevin Smith, I am not really a Ben Affleck fan and some of the movies he has been in have just been plain dire.  Pearl Harbour and Daredevil are just 2 movies I pluck out of thin air and both have more turkey than Bernard Matthews Farm at Christmas after each turkey has bowled 3 strikes in a row at the Turkey Bowl Emporium; in Turkey.

Jennifer Lopez 'hits', (spelt with a silent 's') includes Monster In Law, The Wedding Planner and Anaconda.  In fact the only movies I have liked with J-Lo in them are films in which we do not see her, like Antz or Ice Age: Continental Drift.  As for her music, well if I ever start a bad music blog, I would fully expect her to be in the top 10 and so I'll save my bile for then.

It is amazing to think then that so far, there have been no Ben Affleck or Jennifer Lopez movies in out list.  Unfortunately all good things, must come to an end........

#72 Gigli

The film centres on LA mobster Larry Gigli, (Ben Affleck), whose name is pronounced Gigli which rhymes with 'really', (as he reminds us constantly throughout the movie).  I will admit it is hard to remember this, so for ease of my understanding I taught myself that it is pronounced Gigli, which rhymes with tanker or clucking slickbed.

Gigli's boss, Louis, (Lenny Venito), orders Gigli to kidnap a Federal Prosecutor's mentally handicapped brother, Brian, (Justin Bartha) in order to get a case being brought about against New York mob boss, Starkman, (Al Pacino), dropped.

Gigli manages to kidnap Brian by promising to take him to 'The Baywatch', which everyone watching the movie would probably also rather go to than watch another minute of this shite, (Pamela Lee Anderson is Dame Judi Dench compared to J-Lo).  Anyway, Gigli takes him back to his flat and shortly afterwards a woman called Ricki, (Jennifer Lopez) goes to the flat and reveals that as Louis did not fully trust Gigli, she had been hired to keep an eye on him and oversee the kidnap.  Off course it makes total sense to me that Louis would not trust the person who has worked for him for a very long time, but completely trusts a complete stranger whose famous for having a slightly bigger arse than normal.

It does not take long for Gigli to become attracted to Ricki, but his flames of passion are quickly snubbed out when Ricki reveals she is a lesbian, (how many times have I heard that one before!).  Gigli seems cool with this and even offers to only observe from a distance with a camcorder, but is quickly brushed off.

Wanting to show the Federal Prosecutor that they mean business, Louis orders Gigli and Ricki to cut of Brian's thumb and to send it in the post.  Gigli and Ricki do not want to hurt Brian and can not bring themselves to do it.  It would appear the hardened contract killers have gone all gooey over someone who says, 'Da Baywatch' a lot, laughs and bears an uncanny resemblance to Screech, from 'Saved By The Bell'.  I can only surmise the things which they killed before were 'creepy crawleys', 'songs in karaoke' and 'time', as in the space of 24 hours they have become the worst contract killers on the planet.

Fortunately for the plot, Ricki's girlfriend, Robin, (Missy Crider), turns up at Gigli's flat and slits her wrists as she thinks Ricki has turned, (straight, not zombie), and is having an affair.  They rush Robin to the hospital and whilst they are there, Gigli has a masterful plan.  He goes to the morgue and chops of a thumb from a corpse which he sends in Brian's thumbs place.  Gigli did not have to go to all this trouble as I would have gladly given him my thumb and even a toe if he promised I could stop watching the movie.

Maybe it's the tense nature of the situation, or Ricki's argument with Robin or even Gigli's 'charm', but either way Ricki decides she does likes cock after all and sleeps with Gigli.

Gigli, Ricki and Louis are summoned to a meeting with Starkman.  He is none to pleased that they sent someone else's thumb and swiftly shoots Louis in the head, killing him.  He is just about to kill Gigli and Ricki and I am just about to high five the cat when Ricki, showing she has a bigger set than Gigli, has an outburst.  She tells Starkman the plan was stupid and killing them would be stupid.  Starkman, shrewd mobster that he is, let's them go and I explain to the cat that we'll have to high five another day.  He is not amused.

Gigli and Ricki pick up Brian and drop him off at 'The Baywatch', which turns out to be the beach, but by a happy coincidence, they are filming another show on the beach which looks quite like 'The Baywatch'.  Gigli gives Ricki his car and tells her to go start a new life, which she does until about 5 minutes later when she returns, picks up Gigli and they drive off fleeing from the mob and to start a new life.  Together?  We don't know, that is left up in the air.  Frankly if I was a betting man, then I would have to say, without doubt, that in all probability, I couldn't give a monkeys.

And so ends 121 minutes of absolute boredom.  This has to be not only the single worst gangster movie I have seen in all off my life, but possibly the worst movie to date.  It stank, had no redeeming features and has about as much charm as a rock in a bucket of cold water.  So where did it go so, so wrong?

The easy target would be Affleck and Lopez themselves.  Easy, but true as these 2 have about as much chemistry as a chemistry set in the 99p store, which has been thrown in the skip because all of the pieces are missing.  They were real life boyfriend and girlfriend at the time, so how they have managed to create less spark than a damp match is beyond me.  The flirting between the pair seemed awkward and false.  The sex scene as erotic as toast and if there is anyone who is in any doubt as to why these 2 decided not to go through with their wedding, then dig this DVD out of the bargain bin and play it to them.  They are awful together.

Affleck is the least convincing contract killer I have ever seen in a movie.  Jennifer Lopez is the least convincing contract killer I have ever seen in a movie since Ben Affleck in Gigli.  They seem to be these nicey nice characters and I have no idea how the hell they ended up working for the mob, they are more Hannah Montana than Tony Montana.  Tony Danza than Tony Soprano.  Diet Pepsi than Joe Pesci.

Their underwhelming performance is highlighted with the presence of Christopher Walken, (who plays Detective Stanley Jacobellis) and Al Pacino's Starkman.  Here are 2 actors, 2 really good actors and although they both have relatively small parts, they steal the show in both of their respective cameos.

Det. Jaobellis is only on screen for a few minutes, but Walken manages to give him so much more menace, ruthlessness and malevolence than Affleck and Lopez manage in their characters over 2 hours.  Both Walken and Pacino are given roughly 5 minute monologues and in this time they get over their characters so well that I really wish we had a movie based around these 2, rather than the lovey dovey drivel we ended up with.

Affleck and Lopez are also given monologues as well, but unlike Pacino and Walken, they are read straight from a script and with no emotion or feeling.  The monologues and dialogues between Gigli and Ricki are supposed to be insightful and clever and you suspect that the director has watched Pulp Fiction and thought, ah yes, that's the sort of thing I want to put in my movie.  Unfortunately the end result was more Quentin Wilson than Quentin Tarantino.

Justin Bartha as the mentally challenged Brian, does stand out as one of the main cast who actually pulls off a decent performance.  Brian does come across as a likable character and you want him to come out of this ordeal unharmed.  But by no means is he Rain Man, he is more Dusty Bin than Dustin Hoffman.

The music in this film is particularly annoying and consists of one piece of music on an endless loop.  This one piece of music is a chirpy happy harpsichord sound.  This hardly adds mood to the 'darker' bits of the movie and the whole film would probably seem better if you turned the sound off.  And the vision.

At the end of the day this is a very long movie in which very little actually happens.  Scenes are pointless like the seemingly long scene in which Ricki meets Gigli's mother.  The conversation is dull, the humour they are trying to inject falls flat and you really wonder why scenes such as this did not end up on the cutting room floor.  Along with maybe another 119 minutes of material.

The ending also just goes on and on.  Starkman tells them they have 24 hours grace to leave town and are free to go, which is pretty much the last meaningful thing to happen in the movie, but there is still another 20 minutes left of the movie!  They drop Brian off at the beach and really there is nothing left to say, but somehow and for some reason they keep going.  Back to Brian at the beach, shot of Gigli, back to Brian, shot of Gigli, back to Brian, shot of Gigli, Ricki comes back, back to Brian, Gigli and Ricki drive off, back to Brian, foot through telly.

At the end of the day this movie was as disappointing as hearing that you are going to watch a vampire movie marathon and finding out that the movies are the Twilight Saga.  Gigli feels like The Sopranos if it had been made for Sky Living or Tru Movies.  It does not deliver and is the most over sentimental, drawn out, blandest piece of crap I have seen for a long while.

So please, I implore you, do not watch this movie, you will regret it.  Marlon Brando?  Marlon Wayans more like.