#72 Gigli (Wes)

Gigli

Kevin Smith has made some of my all time favorite movies. I even enjoyed Jersey Girl after spending years avoiding it due to the amount of Smith fans that I know who slated it. But it wasn’t just the opinions of other people that made me reticent to watch it, it was the fact that it starred Ben Affleck. I know that sounds silly, especially after Affleck had been in all of Smiths movies since Mallrats, leading in Chasing Amy, and having a major role in Dogma, but perhaps that’s the magic of Smith. He can take an actor I really don’t like very much and with a great script actually get me to like his performance. So when Gigli became the next movie to watch on our list I briefly wondered whether Martin Brest could repeat this feat. But of course this is a list of the worst movies ever, so I didn’t wonder for long at all…

Ben Affleck plays Larry Gigli, a mobster who kidnaps Brian (Jusin Bartha), the mentally challenged brother of a federal prosecutor who is attempting to send a mob boss to prison. Not trusting Gigli, his boss sends Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) to ensure the job gets done properly. Gigli gets annoyed that he has to follow the orders of a woman (who is also a lesbian, which annoys him further), whilst putting up with Brian and his obsessive wish to “go to the Baywatch”. Of course things go wrong, but Gigli being the charmer that he is still manages to sleep with Ricki (so that’s two lesbians that Affleck has turned straight due to his charm – see also Chasing Amy), and eventually get Brian to a beach where Baywatch is being filmed, so everyone is happy. Except me, and the thousands of other people who’ve seen this movie. Probably pissed the lesbian community off a bit as well.

  

So why do I have such a dislike of Affleck? Is it because he’s been in one of the worst movies I ever decided to sit through (and by some miracle didn’t make this list) – Pearl Harbour? A movie that I’m not ashamed to admit made me cry. Not because it was sad, but because I needed to pee so badly, but didn’t want to pause and therefore stretch out my torture by another minute or two. Is it because of his dreadful portrayal of Matt Murdock/Daredevil, which has made me dread ever seeing him play a super-hero ever again (thankfully his portrayal of Batman will be alongside Superman, so I can happily avoid that movie – and if you want to understand my hatred of Superman then check out my review of Superman IV here http://100reasonstogooutside.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/91-superman-iv-quest-for-peace-wes.html). I can’t pin down the exact reason why I dislike him so much, but having to watch him in a movie just fills me with anger.

So just how bad is Ben Affleck in this movie? I think I should probably let some of my tweets from the night we watched this do the talking really:

(After Affleck pretends a torch is a walkie talkie to fool Brian into thinking the Baywatch was shut for the day) “The torch was about as convincing as a walkie-talkie as Ben Affleck is as convincing as a hitman”.

“Ben Affleck is the least convincing gangster since Bugsy Malone”.

“He's more Ronnie Corbett than Ronnie Kray”.

“Ben Affleck is the least convincing person at being seductive since Slimer flew through Bill Murray in Ghostbusters”.

“More al fresco than Al Capone”.

“Fun fact: there was so little electricity between Affleck and Lopez that Gigli was the worlds first solar powered movie”.

Yes, the movie was so bad that I spent much of it trying to think of the names of real-life gangsters just so I could make bad puns (Colin was much better than me at this game, hence the random gags too) . Unfortunately I couldn’t think of a Dillinger pun, so if anyone out there can come up with one, then please comment and make me laugh.

The other actors in this are barely powerhouses either. Jennifer Lopez, who was once out-acted by a terrible looking CGI snake in Anaconda, really should have stuck to a career in music. Not that I think she had any talent in that either, but it would mean that I wouldn’t have to sit through another one of her insipid performances ever again. The only other movies I’ve ever seen Justin Bartha in are the National Treasure movies where he spent two movies having to fight Nicholas Cage for screen time. In Gigli it’s like he’s in an amateur dramatics version of Rain Man.

This movie actually does star two of Hollywood’s greatest actors in minor roles, but unfortunately even they put in forgettable performances. When your film can’t be saved by Al Pacino or Christopher Walken, then you know that something major has gone wrong. I think much of this can be blamed on what is the Vogon poetry of scripts. When Ricki finally relents to the charm bombardment that Gigli is hitting her with (I can only guess this happened off-screen), she lies on the bed seductively and utters the immortal lines “It’s turkey time. Gobble gobble”. I’m not entirely sure where this sort of thing is ever considered sexy, but it’s certainly not on any planet I’ve ever walked on. I don’t think I need to expand on anything more to do with that script, that really does just sum everything up (I really wish that I made that up, but that atrocious scene can be seen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vw9sQ98s9AE).

I honestly can’t think of a single bit of this movie where I wasn’t thoroughly bored or just confused as to what the actual point of the movie was. That actually makes it worse the An Underground Comedy Movie, which at least made me laugh a little at the beginning. Those are words that I honestly didn’t expect to be typing at any point soon. This is definitely one movie to avoid, I would say it was a complete turkey, but that just brings back terrible memories of watching it. Gobble gobble *shudders*.

#72 Gigli (2003) (Colin)

After having to veer sharply off our list and down a bad movie cul-de-sac, we have managed to reverse out, dodge the cat and are back out on the main road of crap, that is, our original bad movie top 100 list!

The next movie on our list actually excited me, up to a point.  When I read the film was about 2 contract killers who work for the mob and kidnap the brother of a federal prosecutor in an attempt to keep a New York mob boss from jail, I thought, 'you know what, that sounds good'.  And then when I saw that Al Pacino and Christopher Walken was in it, I had to rub my eyes, shake my head and double check our bad movie list in case I'd made a mistake.  Then I spotted that the movie starred Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, and suddenly all became clear.

Apart from in movies directed by Kevin Smith, I am not really a Ben Affleck fan and some of the movies he has been in have just been plain dire.  Pearl Harbour and Daredevil are just 2 movies I pluck out of thin air and both have more turkey than Bernard Matthews Farm at Christmas after each turkey has bowled 3 strikes in a row at the Turkey Bowl Emporium; in Turkey.

Jennifer Lopez 'hits', (spelt with a silent 's') includes Monster In Law, The Wedding Planner and Anaconda.  In fact the only movies I have liked with J-Lo in them are films in which we do not see her, like Antz or Ice Age: Continental Drift.  As for her music, well if I ever start a bad music blog, I would fully expect her to be in the top 10 and so I'll save my bile for then.

It is amazing to think then that so far, there have been no Ben Affleck or Jennifer Lopez movies in out list.  Unfortunately all good things, must come to an end........

#72 Gigli

The film centres on LA mobster Larry Gigli, (Ben Affleck), whose name is pronounced Gigli which rhymes with 'really', (as he reminds us constantly throughout the movie).  I will admit it is hard to remember this, so for ease of my understanding I taught myself that it is pronounced Gigli, which rhymes with tanker or clucking slickbed.

Gigli's boss, Louis, (Lenny Venito), orders Gigli to kidnap a Federal Prosecutor's mentally handicapped brother, Brian, (Justin Bartha) in order to get a case being brought about against New York mob boss, Starkman, (Al Pacino), dropped.

Gigli manages to kidnap Brian by promising to take him to 'The Baywatch', which everyone watching the movie would probably also rather go to than watch another minute of this shite, (Pamela Lee Anderson is Dame Judi Dench compared to J-Lo).  Anyway, Gigli takes him back to his flat and shortly afterwards a woman called Ricki, (Jennifer Lopez) goes to the flat and reveals that as Louis did not fully trust Gigli, she had been hired to keep an eye on him and oversee the kidnap.  Off course it makes total sense to me that Louis would not trust the person who has worked for him for a very long time, but completely trusts a complete stranger whose famous for having a slightly bigger arse than normal.

It does not take long for Gigli to become attracted to Ricki, but his flames of passion are quickly snubbed out when Ricki reveals she is a lesbian, (how many times have I heard that one before!).  Gigli seems cool with this and even offers to only observe from a distance with a camcorder, but is quickly brushed off.

Wanting to show the Federal Prosecutor that they mean business, Louis orders Gigli and Ricki to cut of Brian's thumb and to send it in the post.  Gigli and Ricki do not want to hurt Brian and can not bring themselves to do it.  It would appear the hardened contract killers have gone all gooey over someone who says, 'Da Baywatch' a lot, laughs and bears an uncanny resemblance to Screech, from 'Saved By The Bell'.  I can only surmise the things which they killed before were 'creepy crawleys', 'songs in karaoke' and 'time', as in the space of 24 hours they have become the worst contract killers on the planet.

Fortunately for the plot, Ricki's girlfriend, Robin, (Missy Crider), turns up at Gigli's flat and slits her wrists as she thinks Ricki has turned, (straight, not zombie), and is having an affair.  They rush Robin to the hospital and whilst they are there, Gigli has a masterful plan.  He goes to the morgue and chops of a thumb from a corpse which he sends in Brian's thumbs place.  Gigli did not have to go to all this trouble as I would have gladly given him my thumb and even a toe if he promised I could stop watching the movie.

Maybe it's the tense nature of the situation, or Ricki's argument with Robin or even Gigli's 'charm', but either way Ricki decides she does likes cock after all and sleeps with Gigli.

Gigli, Ricki and Louis are summoned to a meeting with Starkman.  He is none to pleased that they sent someone else's thumb and swiftly shoots Louis in the head, killing him.  He is just about to kill Gigli and Ricki and I am just about to high five the cat when Ricki, showing she has a bigger set than Gigli, has an outburst.  She tells Starkman the plan was stupid and killing them would be stupid.  Starkman, shrewd mobster that he is, let's them go and I explain to the cat that we'll have to high five another day.  He is not amused.

Gigli and Ricki pick up Brian and drop him off at 'The Baywatch', which turns out to be the beach, but by a happy coincidence, they are filming another show on the beach which looks quite like 'The Baywatch'.  Gigli gives Ricki his car and tells her to go start a new life, which she does until about 5 minutes later when she returns, picks up Gigli and they drive off fleeing from the mob and to start a new life.  Together?  We don't know, that is left up in the air.  Frankly if I was a betting man, then I would have to say, without doubt, that in all probability, I couldn't give a monkeys.

And so ends 121 minutes of absolute boredom.  This has to be not only the single worst gangster movie I have seen in all off my life, but possibly the worst movie to date.  It stank, had no redeeming features and has about as much charm as a rock in a bucket of cold water.  So where did it go so, so wrong?

The easy target would be Affleck and Lopez themselves.  Easy, but true as these 2 have about as much chemistry as a chemistry set in the 99p store, which has been thrown in the skip because all of the pieces are missing.  They were real life boyfriend and girlfriend at the time, so how they have managed to create less spark than a damp match is beyond me.  The flirting between the pair seemed awkward and false.  The sex scene as erotic as toast and if there is anyone who is in any doubt as to why these 2 decided not to go through with their wedding, then dig this DVD out of the bargain bin and play it to them.  They are awful together.

Affleck is the least convincing contract killer I have ever seen in a movie.  Jennifer Lopez is the least convincing contract killer I have ever seen in a movie since Ben Affleck in Gigli.  They seem to be these nicey nice characters and I have no idea how the hell they ended up working for the mob, they are more Hannah Montana than Tony Montana.  Tony Danza than Tony Soprano.  Diet Pepsi than Joe Pesci.

Their underwhelming performance is highlighted with the presence of Christopher Walken, (who plays Detective Stanley Jacobellis) and Al Pacino's Starkman.  Here are 2 actors, 2 really good actors and although they both have relatively small parts, they steal the show in both of their respective cameos.

Det. Jaobellis is only on screen for a few minutes, but Walken manages to give him so much more menace, ruthlessness and malevolence than Affleck and Lopez manage in their characters over 2 hours.  Both Walken and Pacino are given roughly 5 minute monologues and in this time they get over their characters so well that I really wish we had a movie based around these 2, rather than the lovey dovey drivel we ended up with.

Affleck and Lopez are also given monologues as well, but unlike Pacino and Walken, they are read straight from a script and with no emotion or feeling.  The monologues and dialogues between Gigli and Ricki are supposed to be insightful and clever and you suspect that the director has watched Pulp Fiction and thought, ah yes, that's the sort of thing I want to put in my movie.  Unfortunately the end result was more Quentin Wilson than Quentin Tarantino.

Justin Bartha as the mentally challenged Brian, does stand out as one of the main cast who actually pulls off a decent performance.  Brian does come across as a likable character and you want him to come out of this ordeal unharmed.  But by no means is he Rain Man, he is more Dusty Bin than Dustin Hoffman.

The music in this film is particularly annoying and consists of one piece of music on an endless loop.  This one piece of music is a chirpy happy harpsichord sound.  This hardly adds mood to the 'darker' bits of the movie and the whole film would probably seem better if you turned the sound off.  And the vision.

At the end of the day this is a very long movie in which very little actually happens.  Scenes are pointless like the seemingly long scene in which Ricki meets Gigli's mother.  The conversation is dull, the humour they are trying to inject falls flat and you really wonder why scenes such as this did not end up on the cutting room floor.  Along with maybe another 119 minutes of material.

The ending also just goes on and on.  Starkman tells them they have 24 hours grace to leave town and are free to go, which is pretty much the last meaningful thing to happen in the movie, but there is still another 20 minutes left of the movie!  They drop Brian off at the beach and really there is nothing left to say, but somehow and for some reason they keep going.  Back to Brian at the beach, shot of Gigli, back to Brian, shot of Gigli, back to Brian, shot of Gigli, Ricki comes back, back to Brian, Gigli and Ricki drive off, back to Brian, foot through telly.

At the end of the day this movie was as disappointing as hearing that you are going to watch a vampire movie marathon and finding out that the movies are the Twilight Saga.  Gigli feels like The Sopranos if it had been made for Sky Living or Tru Movies.  It does not deliver and is the most over sentimental, drawn out, blandest piece of crap I have seen for a long while.

So please, I implore you, do not watch this movie, you will regret it.  Marlon Brando?  Marlon Wayans more like.