#70a Howard the Duck (Wes)

Howard The Duck

It happened again. Like Danes Without a Clue we failed to track down a single copy of our next movie, the Tamil action movie Sura. So we’ve had to go back to the back up list again and this time round our first of two movies is Howard the Duck (aka Howard: A New Breed of Hero). Back in 1973 Howard the Duck made his first appearance in the Marvel comic Adventure Into Fear #19 and soon was to star in his own series, which ran for 31 issues. Fast forward to 1986 and someone seemed to think it was a good idea to make a movie about the anthropomorphic duck. That person was George Lucas (although the directing was handed over to Willard Huyck, and Lucas just took on a producing role). Visions of terrible Star Wars prequels flashed before my eyes and my anger rose before even pressing play on this movie.

Howard (voiced by Ed Gale, played by six different actors) is a duck happily living his life on Duckworld when he is accidentally sucked into a portal which transports him to Earth. Landing in Cleveland he soon meets Beverly (Lea Thompson), the singer and guitarist in the band Cherry Bomb, after rescuing her from two local sleazebags. Beverly takes him to her scientist friend, Phil Blumburtt (Tim Robbins) who she hopes can return him home. However Blumburtt is only a lab assistant, and Howard resigns himself to being stuck on Earth and after working in a crappy spa eventually he becomes Cherry Bombs manager. Blumburtt and his colleagues Dr Walter Jenning (Jeffery Jones) and Dr Carter (Miles Chapin) soon turn up and say they may be able to send Howard back by reversing the experiment that brought him to Earth, but during the attempt Jenning gets possessed by an alien called The Dark Overlord of the Universe, who slowly takes over his body. Can Howard and Beverly defeat this evil? Will Howard get home? Are we going to witness an act of inter-species erotica between woman and duck? Is this really appropriate for a family movie?

  

Firstly I have to say how brilliant Howard actually looks. Nowadays he’d be just be added onscreen via the magic of CGI, but the fact that he’s a man in a duck suit makes him look so much better. Thankfully the costume designers made an effort to make Howard seem relatively lifelike, and his face at least looks great (his hands are just white gloves and his feet are basically orange shoes, but they still look ok, and don’t detract from the costume at all). They could have easily have gone down the same route that produced the monstrosities in The Garbage Pail Kids movie, but perhaps this is where a pre-CGI obsessed Lucas being involved really played off.

Unfortunately that’s where the brilliance ends. If you’ve ever read the original comics then you’d know that they were part of Marvels mis-judged “funny books”. Aimed more for the readers of MAD Magazine they featured parodies of movies and strangely the first comic book appearance of the band KISS. Plot wise there was never anything worth mentioning, and after a few years Howard disappeared as a character only for him to resurface every now and then, mainly as a cameo role. Essentially the idea for a character was good, but in a universe populated by some of the greatest superheroes ever created, people just weren’t that interested in him.

The film falls into the same problems. It tries to be funny, and it has some nice little touches (the posters on Howard’s walls of the Duckworld movies, whilst about as funny as a Wayan Brothers movie marathon, were nicely designed. I particularly liked Breeders of the Lost Stork and Splashdance), but ultimately it’s a one joke movie, that being an out of place hero, struggling to get by. Some movies have the power to carry this off, be it through great writing or just good acting (for example Blazing Saddles or The Three Amigos), but this movie has neither. After some tired, predictable attempts at humour, you just want Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones to turn up and arrest Howard for being an illegal alien, but then again even the Men In Black probably wouldn’t want to go to Cleveland…

The plot itself really doesn’t work very well. Losing the parody aspect of the original comic and trying to play it straight really doesn’t help. The plotline featuring The Dark Overlord of the Universe just seems a little desperate, although it does allow Jeffery Jones to put in the best performance of the movie. Actually the acting in general isn't really that bad (at least compared to some of the movies we've watched so far), which is quite an achievement for a script that seems to have been written quickly by somebody who's never heard any real people speaking, or witnessed anybody doing anything ever.

This is a very eighties movie in both it’s feel and look. After meeting Howard, Beverly says that she “must obviously be in some terrible nightmare”. I’m not sure if she’s alluding to the film itself or her crimped hair, which seems to sum up a decade of bad fashion choices better than shoulder pads, scrunchies, neon everything and sweaters tied around your neck ever could. In fact the only way this movie could be more eighties is if Beverley’s band had a saxophone player in it.

That make me sound like I hate the eighties (and its movies), and that’s wrong. I grew up in the eighties and loved it. But I can look back on it with both nostalgia and incomprehension. Sure it was an amazing time to be a kid, but we really got the short end of the stick when it came to fashion. As for movies, many of my favourite films are from the era (Back to the Future, The Goonies, Monster Squad, The Breakfast Club etc.), but unfortunately the advent of home video also seemed to encourage studios to make so many more awful movies knowing that they could always send them straight to video if it was necessary.

Originally this was supposed to be an animated movie, which I feel would have worked so much better. Whilst it’s not the worst movie I’ve seen on this list, this is a very confused movie. It’s neither an adult comedy, nor is it very family friendly (there’s duck boobs and suggested inter-species sex for a start). It just floats aimlessly between the two and fails on both levels. I wouldn’t say to avoid it totally, but it’s not worth seeking out either. I just hope that Marvel decide to include Howard in on of their future movies so this isn’t his only cinematic legacy. He deserves better than this.

#70a Howard The Duck (1986) (Colin)

Regular readers will recall that back at #73 we ran into a small problem. The movie we were supposed to watch, Danes Without A Clue, became a real pain in the ass to find. Little did we know that it was never released in the UK, was barely released in Denmark and the original people behind the movie have done everything they can to make sure it never gets seen. Whilst we thank them for that it did mean that as punishment, we had to watch 2 bad movies in it place. 'That was that', we thought, 'Surely this won't happen again anytime soon?'. We were wrong.

Our next movie was supposed to be a Bollywood-esque movie called Sura, (2010). However, there does not seem to be an English version, or a version released in the UK, or any trace of this movie in the big wide Internet world web thing! Getting this movie was proving incredibly difficult. It was fair to say we were up a bad smelling certain creek without any wooden implements to push us along!

And so we hit the reserve list again and for the 2nd time in 3 films, we were punished with not 1, but 2 bad movies to watch in it's place! However, the punishment did not seem that bad at first.....

When I saw the next movie on our list, I became very excited. I was a massive fan of this character back in the 80's and I knew that a movie based on him was actually going to be informative, entertaining and really good. I really could not understand why this film had appeared on our list.

Those of us who grew up in the 80's, will fondly remember the broom cupboard on BBC1. This was an incredibly small studio in which the presenter of children's TV would sit and introduce the next show. Probably the most famous presenter is Philip Schofield who along with his sidekick, a squeaky puppet called Gordon The Gopher, set the standard for future presenters.

In 1988, Andy Crane took over presenting duties from Philip Schofield and with him brought a new character, a butler called Wilson. The only part of Wilson visible to viewers were his white gloved hands. He lacked personality, (and a body) and therefore was not as popular as Gordon The Gopher and so the BBC decided that another annoying puppet had to be drafted in to fill Gordon's rather small shoes.

And so a mallard legend was born and Edd The Duck with his cheeky green mohawk and no nonsense attitude secured his place in history as the nation's favourite hand shoved up his bottom puppet. Well, after Gordon The Gopher off course. And Sooty. And Fingermouse, (technically only a finger, but counts as part of the hand).

Andi Peters took over from Andy Crane in 1990 and realising that he is a very annoying person, decided to keep Edd The Duck to deflect attention away from his tedious personality.

Edd The Duck was huge, an icon and I was very surprised that a movie had been made based on his life.......hang on......oh no.......I've made a terrible error.......our next movie is Howard The Duck.

FFS.

#70a Howard The Duck (1986)

If anyone has seen Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, then you will know that the name George Lucas is no longer a guarantee of a decent film. Some would argue that this was obvious after Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here as I rather liked the Speeder Bike scenes and I was at the age when the Ewoks were not really, really annoying, (at least nowhere near Jar Jar poxy Binks annoying).

To see his name appear on our top 100 bad movies list was therefore not entirely unexpected, especially as I was aware of a lame duck, (pun partially intended), called Howard The Duck, which frequently appears on bad movies lists. I hoped the critics were wrong and that some of the Lucas magic from the original Star Wars trilogy had found it's way into the movie, rather than the Lucas dross of the fairly recent prequels.

And so with a faint sense of hope, I started to watch the movie.....

Howard The Duck is based on a Marvel character of the same name, (me neither) and comes from the planet Duckworld. Duckworld is like Earth in almost every way and mirrors its structures, culture and look, however, the big difference is the planet is populated by ducks rather than humans.

Minding his own business, the 'hero' of this story, Howard, (voiced by Chip Zien), is in his apartment about to punish Percy in his wing to a copy of Playduck magazine. Suddenly his armchair is sucked out of his apartment, into space and dumped unceremoniously in Cleveland, USA, Earth.

Howard is called in action almost immediately when he spots 80's frizzed hair ball, Beverley Switzler, (Lea Thompson), being hassled by some equally 80's stereotypical bullies. Howard sees them off after threatening to unleash 'Quack-Fu' on them, (a very unfunny and unsuccessful pun on Kung-Fu). Howard succeeds but probably more to do with the thugs seeing a large talking duck in a darkened alley, than the threat of the use of a stupidly named martial art.

Beverley is grateful that Howard saved her and wants to return the favour by helping Howard return to his home planet. She takes Howard to see Phil Blumburtt, (Tim Robbins), who Beverley mistakenly thinks is a scientist. When they get there it turns out Phil has to answer to the lab rats and the smoking beagles and is so low down the pecking order that technically the woodworm outrank him. Phil is not the brilliant mind they thought he was and a dejected Howard gives up and resigns himself to the fact he is stuck on Earth.

Howard makes the mistake of going to watch Beverley's band, Cherry Bomb, who are performing at the local rough and ready shit hole. Blander than a beige accountant, Cherry Bomb are managed by a nasty chap called Ginger Moss, (Tommy Swerdlow), who keeps all of their money, (they made money?) and makes less than flattering remarks about Beverely to anyone who will listen. Howard, who seems to be a full time knight in shining armour at this point, overhears this, takes offence and threatens to pierce Ginger's ear, (seriously). Ginger, lame baddie that he is, backs down, gives him their money and passes management of Cherry Bomb onto Howard.

Beverely is overwhelmed that someduck would do all of this for her and takes Howard back to hers for some girl on duck action, (OK, this is just getting plain weird now). Fortunately for us, they are disturbed by Blumburtt and 2 real life scientists who did not obtain their degrees from a Christmas cracker. These brainboxes are Carter, (Miles Chapin) and Dr. Walter Jenning, (Jeffrey Jones who played long suffering Principal Ed Rooney in the brilliant Ferris Bueller's Day Off) and they begin to explain how this is all their fault, (nice of you to cover, but we all know Lucas is to blame).

It turns out these scientists are responsible for bringing Howard to Earth, (you sods, because of you I have had to endure this rubbish). They were working on some dimensional jumping thingamajig in an attempt to escape the movie, but it appears it went a little ga ga and well, here we all are. They deduce that if they simply reverse this, they can send Howard back to where he came from. What could possibly go wrong?

The scientists plan was a huge success, or to put it more accurately, they completely ballsed it up. Not only did Howard not get sent back home, but Dr. Jenning gets possessed by some nasty alien type from 'the Nexus of Sominus', (which I think is just off junction 5 on the M42).

All the hullabullo has alerted the rozzers and Howard, Beverley and the slowly transforming Dr. Jenning take flight and hide out in a restaurant. Dr. Jenning reveals that he no longer wants to be known as Dr. Jenning or Rita any longer, but as 'the Dark Overlord of the Universe'. Howard would off course question why, but is too busy getting lynched by the diners and being prepared by a chef who has just hit upon an idea for a delicious new duck recipe.

The Dark Overlord of the Universe saves Howard from certain tasty death, (as Howard has some key thingy on his person, but I must admit I had zoned out by then and have no real idea what it was or how he got it, only that Overlordy wants it). He then kidnaps Beverley and hot foots it back to the lab, where he will put in place his plans to take over the universe, (which seems to involve producing bad special lightening effect bolts and sweating a lot).

Meanwhile, Howard finds Blumburtt who is in the process of being arrested for crimes against acting and the pair flee. They manage to outrun the cops by hijacking a flimsy light air craft, (not as flimsy as the script, but pretty close).

Howard and Blumburtt arrive at the lab in time to find Overlordy strapping Beverley to a table and about to fire a laser at her that would also put a Dark Overlord into her, (Fnarr Fnarr). Howard leaps into action and finds a bigger laser to point at Overlordy. The subsequent laser beam frees Dr. Jenning from Overlordy and turns the Dark Overlord back to his original form, that of a bad stop motion special effect monster.

Howard blasts the Dark Overlord into several bad stop motion special effect pieces but it may already be too late as more Dark Overlords are descending onto earth via another laser beam. Howard has a choice, let the Earth be invaded and go home via the laser beam or to destroy the laser and remained stranded. The idiot chooses to save Earth.

And so with the Earth saved and Howard a hero, the film closes with Cherry Bomb playing to a packed out arena, (really?) with Howard joining them on stage playing guitar. I am now ready to test my own dimensional jumping thingamajig to get me out of watching the rest of the movie, but it fails. Fortunately for me the end credits are now rolling and this very painful experience is now over.

I won't beat around the bush, this is a bad movie, terrible in fact. This probably comes as no surprise since this is a bad movie blog, but when George Lucas' name is involved, I expected better. It really was a repeat of that sinking feeling in 1999 halfway through watching The Phantom Menace that maybe Lucas is not the story telling, imaginative genius that we all thought. It adds fuel to the speculation that actually Lucas got lucky with the original Star Wars trilogy.

Let's start with the special effects, surely a strong point for Lucas and yes Howard himself does look good or at least that is what I thought at first glance. The head is good and the animatronics for the facial expressions are very good. Certainly when Howard is compared to the rubber shark in Jaws 4, (as I mentioned in my Jaws 4 blog, Billy The Singing Bass was more realistic) or the barely moving creepy Garbage Pail Kids costumes, there is a definite gulf in class. Occasionally you have to remind yourself this is not CGI and that Howard is made up of good old fashioned motors and physical materials.

However, on the 2nd watching, (why do I do it to myself?), you'll notice the rest of the duck suit is quite clearly, well, a duck suit! The hands / wings, for example are obviously gloves, bad fitting ones at that, with the join above the wrist clearly visible in a couple of scenes.

Howard is not the worst effect of the movie though, that would have to go to the very poor stop motion Dark Overlord towards the end of the film. It is seriously bad and using stock footage from Morph would have been more scary and more realism. The bluish haze around the creature, clearly shows a lazy blue screen special effect, which is also visible when Howard and his armchair are launched into space, (I really wished there was a fully operational Death Star in the vicinity at the time, could have saved me 111 minutes of hell). The lightening and electrical bolts the Dark Overlord fires from Dr. Jenning's hands look drawn on by a kid doodling with a crayon whilst on a very bumpy car journey.

Then there is the script, or rather the lack of it. The story itself is quite lame and pedestrian with no real surprises or suspense. The dialogue is crammed full of very bad duck puns, I've already briefly mentioned 'Quack-Fu' and 'Playduck' instead of 'Playboy', but there is also 'Rolling Egg' magazine, instead of 'Rolling Stones' and 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' becomes 'Breeders of the Lost Stork', (truly, truly terrible). They are all unfunny and do no work on so many levels. It also shows a lack of imagination and laziness which is present throughout the movie. They have failed to learn the basic rule that you should not rely heavily on puns to bulk up a poor script. You'd be quackers to do so.

Another basic rule Lucas seems to have failed to observe is the basic rule Wes and I have found with a lot of the bad movies on our list, that you should not reference far superior movies in your bad movie. So we've had 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', but we can also add 'Jaws', (hilariously called 'Beak') and 'Star Wars', ('Fowl Wars', yeah I know, I told you they were really bad puns). In fact at the very beginning of the movie, there are 2 moons overlooking Howards apartment which is very reminiscent of the 2 suns of Tatooine in Star Wars.

We've mentioned this a lot, but directors do not seem to listen, so we'll try shouting this time: STOP MENTIONING FAR BETTER MOVIES IN YOUR STINKING AWFUL MOVIE AS IT JUST MAKES US WANT TO LEAVE THE THEATRE AND GO AND WATCH SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT SUCK BIG TIME FOR 90 MINUTES. Hopefully they'll get the message this time.

In the end, the film delivers more questions than answers. Why if ducks like water is Howard so shit scared of the rain and desperately seeks shelter from it? Why is Howard so disgusted and petrified of fried eggs when he seems completely non-plussed by the sight of roast chicken carcasses hanging up in the same restaurant? Why did Lucas feel the need to show us some puppet duck boobs? And what on earth does the expression, 'hostility is like a psychic boomerang', actually mean?

I read another review which says that the problem with Howard The Duck is that it does not really know what sort of movie it wants to be and I agree with that. It should have either been an out and out adult comedy, South Park meets Tank Girl, (comic not movie), and been totally outrageous and a bit rude or it should have been an out and out family movie with a few risque jokes for the parents. The end result was a movie which was firmly stuck in the middle of both and sitting so hard on the fence that Howard had to have splinters surgically removed from his feather covered backside.

At the end of the day, I confess that maybe I'm being a bit harsh. After all I have to admit that I would like to see Howard The Duck again. My only suggestion and maybe I'm nit picking, but the next time I see Howard The Duck it should be with pancakes, spring onions and a tasty plum sauce.