#69 Alone in the Dark (Wes)

Alone in the Dark

After having to sit through the undoubtedly bad, but still fun cheese-fest video game adaptions of Ballistics: Ecks vs Sever and Streetfighter, I approached Alone in the Dark with trepidation, but also hope that maybe there would be some saving grace to our next game based movie. Then it was pointed out to me that this was directed by Uwe Boll and suddenly I knew the true meaning of terror.

Edward Carnby (Christian Slater), is a paranormal detective who gets an ancient Abkani (an Indian tribe that mysteriously disappeared 10,000 years ago) trinket. Whilst taking it to his Archeologist ex-girlfriend, Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid), he gets attacked by James Pinkerton, who despite possessing Supernatural abilities, fails to steal the trinket. Whilst this is happening an ancient gold coffin is opened realeasing something that leads to the mysterious disapperance of an old friend of Carnby’s. Carnby investigates this believing it has something to do with the Abkani and after he and Cedrac are attacked by a mysterious creature he eventually teams up with Bureau 713, led by Commander Richard Burke (Stephen Dorff). Together they investigate the paranormal creatures and the sinister experiments that were done on Carnby and his friends whilst they were growing up in an orphanage. When they discover the creatures can be killed by light, a whole squadron then joins them to try and kill these monsters and prevent the ending being left open for a sequel. They fail at one of these.

I think the first point I need to make about this movie, if you haven’t already noticed it, is that although it’s called Alone in the Dark, there’s normally more people involved in fighting these monsters than there are in your average Anabelle Chong movie. Unfortunately having bought the rights for a video game tie-in they had to make at least one thing similar to the game, even if it was only the title and the main characters name.

Speaking of the main character, it was thoroughly depressing to see Christian Slater reduced to being in this movie. He is brilliant in my favourite ever movie, True Romance, and I once saw him perform in a stage production of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest in London and he was an incredible actor. His portrayal of Jack McMurphy was just as good as Jack Nicholson’s, perhaps even better if you consider that he didn’t have the luxury of multiple takes. To see him fax in his performance (he was so flat and lifeless you’d be forgiven for thinking you’d accidentally tuned into The X-Factor) made watching this movie even more disappointing than usual for me.

As for the supporting cast, Tara Reid is an actress who is so wooden in everything she does, I sometimes suspect that one day loads of tiny ancient Greek soldiers will burst out of her in a bid to invade Hollywood. Even a tornado full of sharks was more convincing to watch, so I never expected much from her here, and I really wasn’t disappointed. Stephen Dorff however is a different matter. He’s another decent actor, who has played some great roles in his career (Deacon Frost in Blade is my favourite), who just goes through the motions for this movie.

As I said before the fact that Uwe Boll directed this filled me with dread. Now you may not be aware of Uwe’s work, as most (I’m guessing all actually) of it ends up straight to DVD. They’re the sort of movies that you may see in the DVD bargain bins or local pound shops, and then promptly used as DIY disco-balls or bird-scarers (it’s amazing what Google can suggest when you have a recently aquired pile of terrible DVDs for some reason). He’s responsible for such classics as German Fried Movie, Amoklauf and Bluberella…. But when he’s not making other movies you’ll never watch, unless your eyelids are cut off and you’re strapped into a chair by some psychotic killer (even then you could always attempt to swallow your own tongue), he also is infamous for making videogame adaptions.

As well as Alone in the Dark, Uwe has also directed several films based on Bloodrayne. House of the Dead, Postal and Far Cry. He also once told MTV News about being rejected by Blizzard to direct a World of Warcraft movie: "I got in contact with Paul Sams of Blizzard and he said, 'We will not sell the movie rights, not to you...especially not to you".

But Uwe doesn’t do himself any favours as in the same interview he also said "To be honest, the real gamers are the typical download guys, right? They don't pay anything for movies, because they illegally download the movies. So why [should I] please these guys? I need the normal audience." Surely the core audience, those that will not only watch the movie, but buy the merchandise and talk about it most, providing free advertising, are those who are most emotionally invested into it. I think this is where Marvel have gone right in recent years, recognizing that it’s the fans of their comics who are the most likely to watch their movies and have celebrated their origins, making them as faithful to the comics as they can without making something silly. If Uwe tried this approach, then perhaps he’d have more success too. Although I actually doubt that, seeing as though videogames are not normally the best source for a rich story (except perhaps some of the other survival horror style games).

The problem with this movie as a horror movie is that it isn’t remotely scary or tense in any sense, nor does it have the gore that would otherwise keep an audience watching. It’s reminiscent of The Relic, or Pitch Black in places, but it completely fails to pull off any of the charm that those movies had. It also reminds me slightly of Constantine. Not just due to the supernatural element, but mostly due to the fact that both movies really failed to deliver on their source material.

Under a better director I suspect that this could have been an average watchable movie, but with Boll in charge this movie really is terrible. A weak story, poor acting, CGI monsters that even George Lucas wouldn’t use, less scares than an episode of Barney the Dinosaur and Tara Reid, add up to possibly the worst horror movie I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen Death Bed). I think it's about time Uwe tried to sound more American if he wants to change his image. Can I suggest he changes his name to Terry Boll? (sorry, couldn't resist that).

#69 Alone in the Dark (2005) (Colin)

For our next movie, we return to the video game / movie tie-in and so far, surprisingly, the movies based loosely on video games have been naff, but enjoyable.

The first movie we encountered was Ecks vs Sever, a crash bang wallop explosion fest that only forgot a couple of things: plot and script.

The next movie was Street Fighter, a boring, one-dimensional affair that never really gets going and which will forever disappoint me.  Still enough about the game, the movie was actually quite enjoyable, (and has a fantastic performance by Raul Julia in his last big screen role).

So I approached this movie with an open mind and not really knowing what to expect.  I briefly played the original Alone in the Dark but when Resident Evil came out, I didn't look back.

My most recent experience with the franchise was the 2008 Xbox 360 version.  The game was OK, but the story was linear, the suspense was gone and it was as scary as a bucket of kittens.  The game studio took a good idea, but just produced another paint by numbers survival horror.

I just hoped the movie version had not gone down the same (linear) path........

#69 Alone in the Dark.

Like the original, (and from what I can tell, probably the only thing from the game which has made it into this movie), the lead character is Paranormal Investigator Edward Carnby, (Christian Slater).  Carnby, along with his spiritual guide, Sam, pretends to be able to speak with the dead and consistently gets possessed by people with scouse accents, (actually I may be thinking of someone else).

The movie begins with a long and boring narrative background story.  It’s intention is to set up suspense, but in reality it sets me up for a nice nap.  However, apparently, an ancient race of people known as The Abskani died out in mysterious circumstances 10,000 years ago and to this day we do not know why.  Oooooooo!  Zzzzzzzz!

We start with a young Carnby, (Dustyn Arthurs), who is in an orphanage and whose chums are being rounded up by Professor Hudgens, (Matt Walker).  Hudgens wants to perform some experiments on them, but Carnby is having none of this and goes hiding in a high voltage shed, (sitting next to 10,000 volts in your rain soaked clothes a far safer option, off course).

We then fast forward to today and Carnby, who has just returned from the Amazon with a Abskani relic is being chased by a chap who looks a bit mean and moody.  Cue a car chase, some Matrix style fighting and echos of Terminator 2 as the baddie shakes off any bullets received into his chest.

Carnby eventually manages to impale the baddie with his wood.  Rotting splintered wood is obviously a far superior weapon than sharpened metal flying out of a gun at supersonic speed.

Carnby takes the artifact back to the museum where girlfriend and Anthropologist, Aline Cedrac, (Tara Reid) is waiting for him.  Years of training and research does not go to waste as Cedrac claims, with almost near certainty that the artifact, ‘May be Abskani’!

Suddenly the lights cut out and big snarling angry looking creatures storm the museum.  Carnby and Cedrac flee and all looks lost until big gun wielding special ops style guys storm the building and frighten the creatures away, (probably with their poor acting).

The Special Ops guys are known as Bureau 713 and are led by Cmdr Richard, (Stephen Dorff).  We learn a couple of things from the meeting of Cmdr Richard and Carnby:

-          Firstly, that Carnby used to work with Bureau 713 and that his leaving was acrimonious.

-          Lastly, that Richard and Carnby fancied each other, but never got it on, (this is not confirmed, but judging by the testosterone flying around between the 2, I think this is a safe bet).

Carnby steals Richard’s pass and enters the Bureau 713 lab where he meets old friend, Doctor Fischer, (Frank C. Turner).  Doctor Fischer is performing an autopsy on the man who chased Carnby and ended up as a kebab.

He has discovered that a worm like creature had attached itself to the man’s spine and this is what caused his super human strength.  Coincidentally, this man appears to have come from the same orphanage as Carnby and we learn that the other orphan's dormant worm has awoken, (ooer!).  Fortunately  for Carnby, his dormant worm was killed due to the high voltage surroundings in the shed when he ran away........Apparently.  Ahem!

Carnby and Cadrac are discussing this back at his flat, when the nasty creatures make another appearance, (they had just moved in across the hall and wanted to borrow some sugar).  Bureau 713 turn up and take care of the creatures, (they had some spare sugar), and Cmdr Richard reveals they have found where these creatures are coming from.....under the Orphanage! (Da da dummmmmm)!

Bureau 713, Cmdr Richard, Carnby and Cadrac race over to the Orphanage and leave Bureau 713 outside to keep guard as part of Operation ‘complete suicide’.

Deep under the orphanage we discover that Professor Hudgens is the guy who had put the worms into the orphans, (well, d’uh!) and that there is a door to an underworld under the orphanage.  Professor Hudgens then turns up, kills anyone that is not a main character and takes the relic off Carnby.  The relic actually opens this door to the underworld and once opened, we see miles of caverns and an awful lot of these mysterious creatures.

Carnby decides he has had enough and kills Hudgens and sets some explosives to destroy the gateway.

At a safe distance Carnby detonates the bombs, but they fail and Cmdr Richard decides to go back and rearm them.  Carnby and Cadrac race to the surface and manage to escape just as a huge explosion rips through the underground.  Cmdr Richard is dead, but so too are those nasty creatures and the door to their world. The End, or is it?

Carnby and Cadrac walk through the city, which is now deserted. It seems like some of the creatures have escaped into our world.  We hear a creature, the camera zooms onto Carnby and Cadrac, there is a loud roar and the screen goes blank.......Hello sequel!

Overall this movie is one confused mess which has more holes in the plot than a colander full of Swiss cheese.  I still don’t really get what the worms, the possessed orphans and the creatures have to do with each other.  Or how did the creatures get the worms out into our world?  Or would a bog standard 7’ x 3’ internal door really manage to keep out millions of these creatures?  Or why the hell would you cast Tara Reid as an Anthropologist?

When they were casting Aline Cadrac’s character, what on earth were they thinking? 

‘OK guys, so Cadrac is a highly intelligent, well respected, smart and slightly edgy Anthropologist.  Emily Deschanel or even Zooey would be an ideal fit, but we’ve spent most of our money on unrealistic CGI creatures. That leaves us about $5 in the kitty. Any ideas?'  
'The talentless unfunny blonde one from American Pie?'
'That'll do, right, let’s go to the pub’.

Christian Slater also seems badly cast, (he's about as convincing a Paranormal Investigator as Yvette Fielding) and with Reid, lacks any on-screen chemistry.  Bogart and Bergmann they are not, heck, they are not even Bert and Ernie. 

They show about as much love to each other as they would their socks.  This is clearly shown in the ‘sex’ scene between Slater and Reid which has all the passion of bowl of muesli and is about as steamy as a DVD manual.  It does absolutely nothing for character development, does not move the story along and I have no idea why Boll decided to put it in, (ooer, sounds a bit rude!).

Indeed, the biggest problem with the movie does seem to be with Boll himself as a chap called Blair Erickson points out on Somethingawful.com.

Erickson apparently was involved in the early drafts and the direction the script started off in was that off suspense, darkness and mystery, (a lot like the earlier video games were).  Erickson points out that Boll thought he knew better and decided to lever in portals, blonde bimbos and car chases.  (The full article is hilarious and Erickson describes Uwe Boll’s directorial ‘skills’ better than I ever could, so here’s the link if you want to read more: Somethingawful.com - Erickson on Uwe Boll).

And that does seem to be the major problem with the movie in that it is not in any way a suspense survival horror style movie, but a bog standard, average, poor excuse of an action horror movie.

Tips for Boll: If you want any suspense in your movie, it's probably best not to show the audience the creatures within 20 minutes of the start of the movie.  If you want darkness, stop putting stupid sex scenes into your movie, (which are scary, I'll give you, but mostly funny).  Lastly, if the movie is called 'Alone in the Dark', try to have someone, alone, in the dark at some point in the movie.

However, when all is said and done, I have to admit, Boll did succeed in replicating the Alone in the Dark video game.  Unfortunately with it's linear story, lack of suspense and with as much fear factor as a field of bunny rabbits, Boll managed to recreate the 2008 disappointing version.  He took a good idea, but just produced another paint by number horror movie.