#53 Popstar (Wes)

Popstar

So it had to happen at some point I guess. Colin and I had to watch our first comedy based purely at the early teen girl market, Popstar. At this point we had a choice. We could have a sleepover, with pizza and Coca Cola and braid each others hair whilst we talked about boys, or we could just damn well sit down and get this movie watched and out of the way. I knew I should have had pizza.

JD McQueen (Aaron Carter), or Justin Bieber of House Baratheon as I like to call him, is a world famous teen popstar, who apparently grosses $10,000,000 a year. His mother isn’t too happy that he’s not passing his grades whilst being home-schooled though, so she decides to send him to a public high school. Here he meets Jane Brighton (Alana Austin), a perfect student, who wears braces, both of those things apparently makes her a geek. JD needs to pass what is apparently the only class in the school, which is maths, which Jane is really good at, so he strikes up a friendship with her. As he gets to know her, he starts to fall in love with her, but when he copies her answers in a maths test she gets mad at him and says she doesn’t want to see him. But it turns out that he has testophobia and that’s a real thing apparently, so he retakes his maths test and it turns out that he’ll be REALLY good at counting his money when he dives into his private vault like Scrooge McDuck used to do, so they can live happily ever after now as everyone has learnt some important life lessons or something.

The first thing I learnt when researching this movie is that Aaron Carter actually was/is a popstar. The fact that I’ve never heard of him before is probably no surprise as he was clearly aimed at the tween audience of The Disney Channel (his acting debut was in an episode of Lizzie McGuire) and Nickelodeon. Apparently this film was based on his life as a performer, but reading his wiki page I’m not entirely sure how accurate that is. It says nothing of him dating a regular girl, falling in love with her smile and intelligence, it does however say he dated Lindsay Lohan, who I’m guessing may have given him acting lessons, as his performance really is as poor as her dreadful turn in I Know Who killed Me (see here for more on that).

So that was the research, what I learned when watching this movie is that girls on sleepovers don’t actually giggle and have pillow fights like I always thought they did, but apparently their favourite thing is watching movies that feature maths tests. This has to be correct, as I can’t imagine there would be any other reason why there would be 3 maths test scenes, plus a maths lesson in this movie. It just wouldn’t add up! (sorry). I can only assume that this movie was made as a response to the amount to teenage girls swooning over Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, and sitting up way past their bedtimes discussing Darren Aronofsky’s striking debut movie Pi.

After my lesson in maths, I also learned that whereas many people in the 70s and 80s may have enjoyed watching films that featured montages ranging from physical training (Rocky), shopping (National Lampoon’s European Vaction), dancing all night long (Footloose), and even skipping school and visiting an art museum (Ferris Bueller’s Day off), what all of these movies lacked and what teenage girls have been crying out for was a haircut montage. How did so many movie makers get it so wrong for so long?

Could this movie get any more exciting? Well after all that excitement of maths and haircuts we also get to see the drama of Jane getting a zit right before her date! This is obviously a nightmare that every teenager faces at some point, but it was done with such skill and passion that for a moment you forget you’re watching a movie and find yourself running to the bathroom cabinet in search of some Clearicil to help her out. Well not really. What you actually find is that you have made pact not to fight with pillows anymore, but to use them to suffocate each other in a suicide pact to get out of watching this stinking movie.

Now I’m no expert on movies aimed at the young girls market. I have no wish to watch High School Musical, The Princess Diaries or Twilight, but I know they have their audiences who love them and so do the job they are meant to. I can’t see anyone but the most rabid fan of Aaron Carter (or maths tests) loving this though. It patronises its audience by giving them every lazy cliché it can, and to make matters worse it doesn’t even do that very well. I think people underestimate kids a lot, and this movie is hugely guilty of that.

As you’d expect for a movie for a young audience, there is no sex, violence or swearing. So if you want to give your child something to watch that will protect them from the horrors of the world, then sit them in front of Popstar. Of course those horrors include other things such as plot, good acting, decent dialogue, humour, and any lesson that isn’t maths. Of course if you’re older than twelve you really have no business watching this movie anyway, unless for some reason you drunkenly agreed to watch a list of the worst movies ever made, and what kind of idiot does that?

# 53 Popstar (2005) (Colin)

I have to admit, I thought the next movie, when I heard the title, was going to be some pop-fuelled X-Factor style nonsense, based on someone using a crappy reality TV show to launch a pop  career and succeeding despite the odds.

It’s fair to say I am not a fan of Simon Cowell’s manufactured money over talent karaoke contest and was a firm supporter of getting Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Killing In The Name Of’ to Christmas No. 1, (fuck you I won’t do what you tell me! Oh hang on, I downloaded the song like they told me to…..), so I was dreading this movie.

However, it turns out that this movie is not an X-Factor tribute as the main character of the show already has a successful pop career but must pass a Maths exam in order for it to continue, (who’d have thought knowing how many apples you are left with if you take 2 away, was needed to successfully churn out bland manufactured crap?). 

When it turned out that the main ‘actor’ was Aaron Carter, (the brother of Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys and before you say anything, my wife told me this, I still have no idea who or what any of these people are!), my heart knew we’d be in for 90 mins of ‘pop’, music which I hate with a passion.

I’m quite open minded and will listen to pretty much any sort of music, but for me music stopped being produced at the end of the 90’s and nothing of any note has happened since then, (with the exception of Foo Fighters, Gorillas and some The Offspring).

But hey, maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I should give this type of music a chance and maybe, just maybe a decent pop music movie could be made without my ear drums bleeding as a result?

I saddled up my pig, prepared for take off and watched the movie……..

JD McQueen is a world-wide Popstar who doesn’t know his 12 times table.  His mum, Faith, (Deena Dill), is concerned by this and so sends him back to High School in order to pass a Maths exam which will show the world he know what BODMAS means.  Faith knows that being a Popstar will not last forever and that a sound education may help him find a proper job and avoid going to the Australian jungle to eat a Kangaroo’s foo-foo live on TV.

The female student’s pulses race when JD turns up for his first day at school and none more so than super fan, braces wearing, budding writer and nerdy Maths whizz, Jane, (Alana Austin).

Jane is paired with JD in order to help him pass the Maths exam and they become friends.  JD gives Jane a mobile phone so that they are always in touch and can arrange to meet up in an area which becomes known as their ‘special place’.  Where is this special place?  Next to a beautiful waterfall?  A 16^th century cathedral?  At the base of a beautiful mountain?  Nope, a grotty picnic bench balanced precariously on a mound of sand!

Coming to their senses they decide to have more fun and go for a spin in his Porsche, (admittedly, painting a beige wall beige would have been more fun) and Jane likes it so much that JD buys her one.  Jane then starts to date JD, which I am sure had nothing to do with the pricey gift.  Jane also becomes very popular at school which I am also sure has nothing to do with owning a pricey car or dating a millionaire.  It’s all just a wonderful coincidence and the movie is not full of one-dimensional shallow idiots.  Ahem!

JD no shows for the first maths test and when confronted by Jane he vomits.  When JD then declares his love for a girl named London, (Nicki Foxx), on national TV, Jane decides she’s had enough and dumps JD.  She promptly returns the mobile phone he gave her, (but not the Porsche for some reason).

She immediately has second thoughts and when she is invited to a music awards show in which JD is miming performing, she agrees to go along.  JD’s manager, Grant, (David Cassidy), takes Jane to buy a nice new dress, Jane also has her braces removed and now looks less of a minger.  But, horror of horrors, on the day of the awards show, she gets a zit!  Dum dum dummmmmmm!

As JD’s eyes never venture north of Jane’s neckline, the zit is not an issue and after the awards show, they share their first kiss, (Ahhhh! *pukes into bucket*).

JD takes the 2^nd Maths exam only this time he copies Jane, (he wouldn’t have been found out but he put his name as Jane and wrote I *heart* JD on his exam paper).  Jane is furious and thinks this has been JD’s plan all along.  JD tries to explain that he only cheated because he has a fear of tests, (testophobia).

Jane does not buy his testies phobia excuse at first.  But then she remembers JD spewing when the last Maths test was mentioned and after a quick Google, (followed by looking up Testophobia in a search engine), she realises JD is telling the truth.  She manages to convince the Maths teacher and he agrees for JD to re-sit the exam.

A nervous JD manages to focus on a situation in which he is confident and thrives, that of being on stage lip-syncing singing his new single.  It works and he passes!

We end the movie with JD singing as Jane lovingly looks on.  They share a kiss and Jane goes on to write her first book which is based on the story told in this movie, (a dead cert for the Pulitzer Prize, I’m sure you’ll agree).

I don’t know about you, but I find a movie about Maths exams incredibly exciting and I really hope they make a sequel, only this time, can it be about an English exam in which JD only has 1,500 words in which to compare and contrast 2 Shakespeare sonnets?

OK, I’m being sarcastic, (well d’uh!), this movie is not for me and in fairness I don’t think the target audience for this movie is a fat, grey haired, late 30’s idiot who has decided to spend his precious free time watching bad movies.  I get that it’s aimed at teenage girls, but that being said, I think even they would agree this is a terrible, terrible movie.

Firstly there’s Aaron Carter, who, from what I’ve learnt, did not enjoy a very successful pop career.  I have to say I am not surprised.  It difficult to judge his voice as he does not sing ‘live’, (which for a movie is not unusual).  However, it is also difficult to judge his voice on the pre-recorded soundtrack as there is so much auto-pitch and auto-correction going on, none of his actual voice can be heard.  From what I can tell, Aaron Carter sings like a pissed Dalek in a Karaoke contest.

Then there’s Alana Austin, who has braces on throughout the majority of the movie and seems to have lost the ability to speak.  She sounds like David Bellamy gargling a medicine ball.  But the main thing that bothers me about Alana is her character Jane and it’s something which is not her fault, but the lazy writers of this movie.

The movie is crammed choc full of clichés as the writers could not be arsed to create original characters.  The Prom Queen cheerleaders, the thick rimmed glasses nerds, the Jocks, and of course Jane, queen nerd with braces.

What riles me so much is that Jane, (or indeed Alana), is clearly attractive, but because she is wearing braces we all have to sign on to the fact that she’s ugly, not popular and that she’s going to be an egg head and outcast.  Why?  Why does the wearing of braces all of a sudden mean that society must treat her like this?  Because that’s how it is in High School?  Really?  If that is true, surely we should produce movies which says this is not cool and not churn out crap like this film which reinforce stereotypical ideas which leads to more bullying and misery for those unfortunate enough not to have perfectly straight teeth.

The second part which annoys me about Jane’s character is her sudden transformation into a beautiful popular person.  How was this achieved?  Did the students become less shallow, tolerant, easy going characters?  Did they see what they were doing was morally wrong?  Did a pang of guilt force them to change their attitude?  Nope.  She took off her braces, bought a dress and bagged herself a millionaire Popstar!

Not only is this view of High School life one-dimensional, but it’s also been done a million times before and usually much better.  Even the love story is just the typical formula of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl back, boy loses girls again, boy wins back girl, Colin puts foot through TV and Colin sends the director the bill.

The whole movie just reinforces the belief that you are nothing until you own material goods, have lots of wealth and have bagged yourself a millionaire.  It may suit the so-called ‘Selfie Stick’ Generation which is all about me, me, me, but I’m not naïve enough to believe everyone is like that and I hope that the majority of those who watched it, realised this is just a bunch of outdated hooey.

I hope they realised this is not how you have to live your life, this is not how we have to treat others and this is not what you have to aspire to.  I hope they thought, ‘thank you Popstar for the life suggestions, but Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me’.

#54 Miss Cast Away (Wes)

Miss Cast Away and the Island Girls

Like Uwe Boll, if I see the name Eric Roberts attached to a movie I know it’s probably going to be a bit rubbish (there are obvious exceptions to this such as The Dark Knight, but when IMDB lists you acting in 378 movies then you’re bound to accidentally be in something good occasionally). However unlike Boll, his movies are often rubbish in a way that still entertains (like Sharktopus or The Expendables), so you really don’t care. However finding out that we had to watch a movie that not only had him as one of the leads but was also the last movie for Michael Jackson didn’t fill me with confidence as to this being one of his so bad it’s good movies. So was this a thriller or was it just going to be bad? (sorry)

Captain Maximus Powers (Eric Roberts) and his co-pilot Mike Saunders (Charlie Schlatter) are flying a plane load of beauty contestants on their way to the Miss Galaxy beauty contest. It gets into trouble and crashes, marooning its passengers on a desert island. Being pampered beauty queens, most have never had to fend for themselves and have to learn how to survive in the wild. Unfortunately things get worse when they discover that the island is home to a giant prehistoric pig (Jurassic Pork) and also Noah’s Ark, which some highly evolved talking apes are trying to relaunch and use to enslave the human race. Oh and then Michael Jackson turns up as Agent MJ in a hologram projected from a robot sent by the Vatican. Perhaps if they didn’t scrape the bottom out of the barrel when trying to come up with ideas for this movie they could have used said barrel to escape from this island hell…

Not only am I getting sick and tired of watching what is essentially the same spoof movie over and over again, but now I have the discomfort of watching a man who was twice accused of child sexual abuse (even though I know he was found not guilty (first case settled out of court for $25 million and second acquitted by a jury), this is still the one of the first things I think about whenever Jackson’s name is mentioned), playing an agent for the head of the Catholic church, which lets face it have had so many child sex scandals that they make it look like Salo (or 120 Days of Sodom) and Lolita are used as a training tools for priests.

This movie was due to be released in 2004, which was right in the middle of the investigations of the second allegations. Due to the negative publicity for the movie, it eventually led to the movie not getting a general release until after his acquittal. This was obviously an issue at the time, but the problem with somebody so high profile getting accused of anything scandalous, no matter whether they are found innocent in a court of law, is that those allegations will always be something that people remember. Like the time that Steve McFadden (Phil Mitchell in Eastenders) was caught dogging or when Hugh Grant was caught with prostitute Divine Brown. These are the things I immediately think of when I hear their names, no matter how long ago it happened. So I personally found this to be a bizarre choice in casting.

As for the rest of the movie what is there really to say that I haven’t said in every other review that I’ve done of a spoof movie? Well I think one thing this movie did differently to many of the other spoofs out there is it decided to directly take on one of the greats, Airplane, which is a ballsy move that even Airplane 2 struggled with. Thankfully the plane crashes into the see within 20 minutes and from this point the movie then decides that they’re better off trying to be as funny as that other famous airplane movie, Alive. They don’t even succeed doing that.

Honestly I think this movie is better than a few we’ve seen on this list, if only because it did have a couple of ok jokes. The Green Mile parody of a man called Cappuccino (like the drink, only spelled differently) made me smile as did the girl who misheard “six cents” as “sixth sense” which led to the obvious gag (and a chance to shoehorn Charlie Chaplin, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Groucho Marx look-a-likes into the movie, which make me think that maybe writer and director Bryan Michael Stoller may own a look-a-like agency, as I see no other reason for their inclusion). They also manage to get a look-a-like for Austin Powers (see!) that looks and sounds like the character, something that Meet The Spartans never managed (see here). However a few laughs in a movie that supposed to be quick-fire laughs is like occasionally finding a nice piece of sweetcorn in a wedding banquet of shit (if you’ve not seen Salo, then these references really must be going right over your head today).

Most of the other jokes fall so flat that even Galileo would just shake his head and give up. As for the acting this movie makes me wish we were back watching Madonna trying to show that Wilson from Cast Away wasn’t the most lifeless character to ever get marooned in a movie (see here). I don’t really expect much in the way of acting from these kinds of movies, but the people in this movie are as poor as when contestants in The Apprentice have to make and star their own video. The fact that the jokes are on that level too really doesn’t help matters. Saying that, Eric Roberts does show his acting experience and doesn’t come off too bad (playing the lothario captain actually seems to suit him).

I’m honestly getting totally sick of watching so many pointless unfunny spoof movies for this list. When will those people commissioning these movies realise that the reason that Airplane, Naked Gun, Spaceballs etc were successful and are hugely watchable decades after being released is that they were written by people who could write a good joke and acted by people who could deliver the lines properly. If a spoof movie can’t make you laugh like a hyena in a nitrous oxide factory then it’s really failed at its only reason for existing in the first place. Whilst it’s clear that this movie was never in contention for winning an Oscar, I do feel it could have won the Miss Galaxy contest itself if it only put on a sash that read Miss The Point, as sadly that’s all that it does.

#54 Miss Cast Away (2004) (Colin)

It's fair to say that comedy movies on our list, so far, are about as funny as watching Miranda. I'd rather smash my testicles with a claw hammer and insert 6 inch rusty nails, than to watch 1 second of that pathetic sitcom. So when I saw that our next movie was another comedy, my heart sank.

It does, however, star 2 Hollywood giants: Eric Roberts and Charlie Schlatter.

Eric Roberts is the brother of Julia Roberts and, according to IMDb, currently has 374 acting credits to his name. He has starred in cinematic greats such as The Dark Knight, Expendables and off course, Sharktopus. He has played The Master in The Doctor Who 'Movie', (actually it was a pilot for a new series rather than a movie and it was only crap because they decided to focus on car chases, explosions and a love story, rather than plot, wobbly sets and baddies made from sink plungers.). More impressively, Roberts is also an Oscar nominee.

Charlie Schlatter, was in Diagnosis: Murder.

The movie also has a cameo from Michael Jackson who is a terrific actor and I particularly enjoyed him in ‘The Oprah Winfrey Interview’ and the sequel,‘The Martin Bashir Interview’ in which he gives a masterclass in acting. It’s a shame he didn’t use any of these skills in ‘Moonwalker’, but it was a great MegaDrive, (Genesis, for our US readers), game, so I’ll forgive him for that.

Anyway, with a sense of dread and a feeling of déjà vu, we watched yet another ‘comedy’movie from our list.

Apes, who look suspiciously like the Apes from The Planet of the Apes, have managed to persuade Noah to rebuild his ark, (those damn dirty apes!). If successful, once the Ark is launched then the world will once again flood, wiping out humanity and allowing the Apes to take over the planet and all the spare tyres with little fuss.

I would say that it’s hard to imagine a planet ruled by animals who fling their own poo at strangers, but I'm from Essex so………..

Meanwhile, Pilot Maximus Powers, (Eric Roberts) and Co-Pilot Mike Saunders, (Charlie Schlatter), are flying a bunch of beauty queens to the annual Miss Galaxy Pageant in Japan. All is going well until the ground throws itself at the plane and they crash land on a deserted island. By a miracle a) they all survive b) they happen to land on the island in which the top secret ark is being built and c) I’ve not managed to fall asleep yet.

Whilst chasing a pig, (you can do your own jokes about which beauty queen that is, but as a feminist, I'm not going there!), Max stumbles onto a much bigger prehistoric pig called Jurassic Pork, (and with puns this good, you know you are watching a quality movie), and also the ark.

Mike, meanwhile, has been filled in by Michael Jackson. Or rather, I should say, Mike has also become aware of the ark after receiving a holographic message from a robot in a scene pinched similar to Star Wars. Instead of Princess Leah, however, we have the projected image of Michael Jackson, aka agent MJ, (a poor parody of his agent M in Men in Black II, in which the film itself was a poor parody of Men in Black).

Agent MJ warns Mike about the Ape's plans, but it is only when love interest Julie, (Joyce Giraud), is kidnapped that Mike decides to leap into action, (I say leap, to be honest there is more life in a geranium).

Whilst all this is going on, Austin Powers, (not Mike Myers, but an impressionist, (not Monet or Renoir)) alerts George Bush, (not George Bush, but an impressionist, (not Davro or Bremner)), who decides to launch a nuke on the island.

Will Mike rescue Julie? Can the nuke be stopped? Will the writers ever create a joke which is half funny? Who knows and frankly, who cares?

I don't, that's for sure, but I did watch the end and let's just say it's tinged with sadness for me as the apes didn't manage to drown this sorry excuse for a comedy movie.

It is becoming more and more difficult to originally describe why a comedy movie is not funny from our list. I could probably just cut and paste my review for 'Meet The Spartans' (Click here if you'd like to read it) and it would be pretty near the mark!

Like 'Meet The Spartans', the writers desperately want you to know that they are aware of pop culture and that they have seen movies such as Fly With Me, Miss Congeniality, Green Mile, Sixth Sense, The Matrix, Planet of the Apes and so on. Reference after reference is thrown at us which leads to a disjointed feel and far more gags which fall flat rather than hit the mark.

Also like‘Meet The Spartans’, it tries hard to follow in the footsteps of Airplane!, but again, it fails spectacularly. This is because Airplane was innovative, original and above all, clever and Miss Cast Away is none of these. It is very lazy and thinks the mere mention of another movie they are parodying is enough to get us laughing. It isn’t.

I can not actually think of one single incident which did make me laugh, (although the end credits made me smile as I knew the pain was about to end); So why is this? Simple really, lack of comedy actors, comedy script and comedy full stop.

Schlatter is not a comedy actor or at least on the basis of this movie, he isn’t. He does not have the comic timing, range or skills to pass off these lame gags. In all, Roberts, the appallingly bad actresses who play the beauty queens, the shockingly bad CGI for Jurassic Pork, the bad impressions of famous people, the nails used in the ark, the sand, the font used in the credits; these are all funnier than Schlatter.

This is obviously a problem as he is also the lead actor and has the most screen time. The fact is he was working with a threadbare script written in crayon by an imbecile is not an excuse, but probably didn’t help.

And so yet again I must report that a comedy movie on our list contains no comedy whatsoever. This should not be a surprise by now as it happens so often and also because this is a top 100 bad movies list; If it were funny, it wouldn’t be here, (in theory).

Actually though, maybe I am being a bit harsh as there is one funny thing about the movie; until now I thought that being trapped on a sun drenched deserted island with no-one for company but a ton of scantily clad beauty queens would be make me smile, as it turns out, I was wrong……