#39 Track of the Moon Beast (1976) (Colin)

Cast: Chase Cordell, Leigh Drake, Gregorio Sala

Director: Richard Ashe

Genre: Horror, Sci-Fi

The next movie on our list, ‘Track of the Moon Beast’ (1976), is another film which has featured on MST3K.  I vaguely remember the episode but only the renaming of a character from ‘Longbow’ to ‘Longbone’ which made me laugh so loud, I missed the next 3 or 4 riffs.  I will confess I am sniggering as I type this, (I think you’ve found the level of my humour!).

Whilst it was a good episode of MST3K, (from memory!), I could not remember what the actual movie was like, so I did a little research and was amazed by what I found……

The co-writer of this movie is Bill Finger, who, with Bob Kane, co-created DC Comics’ Batman, (although not officially credited until recently, but that is a whole other different story of which many blogs have already been written about!)  It appears the vast majority of his career was spent writing stories for comics and it seems, enjoyed a lot of success.

With such calibre of writing, surely there must be some mistake?  Should this really have been riffed by MST3K, (who, don’t forgot, only riff the worst movies) and should this movie really be in our top 100 bad movies list?

Then I found out Finger and co-writer, (Charles Sinclair), wrote this in a weekend and probably as a joke.…....

Mineralogist Paul Carlson (Chase Cordell) is using his little duster to dust away some sand in the arse end of nowhere.  He falls for the worse practical joke since Wes asked me to pull his finger, by a couple of students of Professor ‘Johnny  Longbow’ Salina, (Gregorio Sala), who do not appear again in the movie and so I can not be bothered to research their names.  However, Longbow does introduce Paul to Kathy, (Donna Leigh Drake).

Paul, who is as smooth as a badger’s bum, asks Kathy if she would like observe a meteor shower, far away from where they are, in a secluded spot.  Having only just met Paul you would think she would be a bit cautious, however, she is at the secluded spot faster than you can say ‘hussy’.

Unfortunately whilst Paul hoped to get his rocks off he actually ended up getting some rocks in….his head!  A meteor fragment lodges in his brain, (it took several hours for said fragment to locate the pea sized object) and whilst it’s not obvious at first, the fragment causes a side effect: reptile dysfunction, (I thought there was a blue pill which could help with that?).

From now on, every full moon turns Paul into a giant lizard, (the so-called Moon beast), and goes on a random killing spree.  Paul in human form, has also begun to feel unwell, prone to black outs and nausea, (similar symptoms to watching this movie).  Kathy, obviously concerned, does the only thing a sensible girlfriend can do, gives him a bright light, a nice warm stone and some tasty crickets.

An X-Ray on Paul reveals to all what the dickens is going on and Professor Longbow suddenly remembers that a Native American legend tells of an incident where the exact same thing happened once before.  This is good news to everyone concerned as surely if this has happened before, there must be a way to reverse this?

No, but the good news is Paul will be the star firework in the next July 4^th party.

Will Paul kill again?  Can Longbow and Kathy defy the odds and find a cure?  Will Professor Longbow reveal the special ingredients for his stew?

The answer to the last question is yes, there are lots of things as Longbow explains: Chicken, sweetcorn, peppers and off course, (and keep this under your hats guys), onion!  (it’s hardly the Colonel’s secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices is it?).

Track of the Moon Beast is a lot like Longbow’s stew; bland and there’s not a lot in it.  The pace is so slow at times that I actually thought I had leaned on the pause button.  When it comes to a toss up between watching this movie vs watching paint dry, then the magnolia matt finish wall is going to win every time.

From the off, nothing happens; very slowly!  For example, the first scene is Paul riding his motorbike very slowly to a pile of rocks, he then very slowly dusts some rocks, very slowly lifts a piece of rock out the ground and then very slowly stares at things.  The only thing that doesn’t move very slowly was my foot as it went through the TV as I shouted for something to happen.

When things do get moving you quickly realise that the 3 main characters are so dull that’s it hard to invest any interest into their story or outcomes.   For example, I really couldn’t give a tinkers cuss if Paul gets cured or not.  This is because he is so bland that actually turning into a lizard makes him half interesting.  My advise to Paul is to roll with it because at least it gives him some partial meaning to his worthless life.

Kathy is plain annoying and her relationship with Paul is so far fetched it’s unreal.  They went on one date, that’s it and during that date he fainted like a big wuss because a pebble bumped his noggin’.  Yet we are supposed to believe that they are soulmates, madly in love.  If half a date is enough to stir Kathy’s emotions to this extent, she must have a very intimate relationship with her dentist.

I thought the special effects were not bad for a 50’s movie, which is a shame as this film was released in 1976, (it’s fair to say Hannibal had a more convincing lizard costume in the opening credits to ‘The A Team’ than Track of the Moon Beast).  The opening credits are a good example of how poor the effects are.

The scene is of a flaming meteorite speeding towards earth, however, it is quite clearly a lump of cotton wool covered in lighter fluid which has been set on fire!  With quality effects like these, George Lucas must have been quaking in his boots when Star Wars was released the following year…..

So what about the script?  As mentioned earlier it was co-written by Bob Finger, Batman’s co-creator.  So with such calibre of writing, Should this really have been riffed by MST3K and should this movie really be in our top 100 bad movies list?

Yes, it most definitely should have been riffed by MST3K, because without the riffing this is really a vanilla movie in which nothing happens…..at a snail’s pace.  When I came to writing this I realised that I had to re-watch the movie and I could not bring myself to re-watch the original.  It was like waiting in line for an injection, I knew pain would follow and so I plumped for the MST3K version on my re-watch.

I am so pleased I did this as it made the movie bearable!

Without a doubt this movie belongs in our top 100 bad movies list.  It is claimed this was written in a weekend and I dispute this.  I say it was written on the Saturday morning and that the conversation between Finger and Sinclair went along the lines off…..

Sinclair: I think this story should be based around werewolves, the only thing is that I think there are probably too many movies about werewolves.  Any ideas?

Finger: A Were-Lizard?

Sinclair: That’ll do. Is the pub open?

So if you get a chance to watch this movie, make like Finger and Sinclair and go to the pub.  Quite frankly I’d rather be struck in the head with a chunk of moon rock and turned into a homicidal lizard than having to endure this film again……

#40 The Hottie and the Nottie (Wes)

 

The Hottie and the Nottie

When I first looked at this list this was one of the movies I noticed that we had to watch and I’ve been dreading it ever since. I’ve been dreading watching it for the same reason that I’ve never watched the remake of The House of Wax. Paris Hilton. Was I wrong to assume that she has no acting ability just because her fame stems from being a wealthy socialite, with a sex tape and who’s failed career attempts rivals that of Richard Blackwood? Or is the fact that this movie is this far down the list total justification of that assumption?

Nate Cooper (Joel David Moore) is still obsessed with with his first crush Cristabel Abbott (Paris Hilton) who he hasn’t seen for years. He goes to California to track her down, where he meets with his old friend Arno (The Greg Wilson) who provides him with all the information on her he needs, including the fact that she’s still single. She has countless men after her, but she remains single in solidarity with her best friend June Phigg (Christine Lakin) who is so ugly she’s never had a boyfriend. Even though Nate and Christabel immediately hit it off, Cristabel says she can’t go on a date unless Nate finds June a date too. After several failed attempts, June meets Johann Wulrich (Johann Urb), a dentist and part time model, who sees Junes inner beauty and offers to help her with her external appearance. As Nate gets to know June he also starts to see the person that she is. Will Nate choose the Hottie or the Nottie? Is Johann the honourable man he seems? Will I ever recover from the trauma of having to watch Paris Hilton attempt to act?

Like so many movies and TV shows before, this movie is basically the story of The Ugly Duckling. From the Breakfast Club and The Faculty showing us there is beauty under that goth make up (why do they always assume goths are hiding their true beauty?), to the “amazing” transformations in Neighbours (“Plain Jane Super-brain” takes off her glasses, she’s beautiful, who’d have thunk it?), She’s All That (Rachel Leigh Cook takes off her glasses, she’s beautiful, who’d have thunk it?), Bette Davis going from spinster to chic in the classic Now, Voyager or the ultimate in make-over movies My Fair Lady (even Eggsy (Taron Egerton) knew this movie in Kingmen: The Secret Service, so don’t feel ashamed).

The difference being in those movies, the women were merely made out to be average and unnoticeable (or common in the case of My Fair Lady). With the right clothes, make up or just taking off those damn glasses these women too can attain the standard of beauty that Hollywood finds acceptable! The Hottie and the Nottie takes it to the extreme and makes June as ugly as they can, with bad skin, a mono-brow, bad teeth, halitosis, bad hair, bad nails and so on. Basically if they didn’t have to make her physically attractive by the end of the movie, they could have just auditioned the people who guest on The Jeremy Kyle Show and saved in make-up costs.

Of course to counter June as the Nottie, you have to have the Hottie. Again this relies solely on the fact that you think Paris Hilton is stunningly beautiful, which just isn’t the case for me, so the movie fails on this level. Unfortunately she clearly believes her own hype that she is something incredible and her vanity just oozes through in her performance. Hilton plays a similar role to the one Cameron Diaz played in There’s Something About Mary. But where Diaz gave a great performance that gave her character personality and heart (it also helps that the part was well written), Hilton’s acting range seems to extend to sitting, standing, talking (without emotion), walking, jogging and looking mildly flirtatious (Unfortunately if she’s required to perform more than one of these things at a time she has quite a lot of trouble).

As for the other actors in this movie, their performances weren’t dreadful. I liked Joel David Moore in Hatchet, and although he seems to be channelling Tom Green in this, his portrayal of Nate keeps this film above the level where you start biting on every tooth to see if you’re a mind-wiped, deep cover spy and one of them contains a hidden cyanide capsule. Christine Larkin gives an ok performance as June, but both struggle to make anything substantial from a script that was clearly an early draft from the infinite monkeys/infinite typewriters experiment.  

Ultimately this movie falls down on its own premise by the sheer fact that Nate had no interest in actually dating June until she’d had her hair and teeth and clothes etc sorted. Surely the point is that he should fall for someone despite her physical faults over the supposed hottie if this movie is to have any moral story. It also betrays the character of June. Sure Nate gave her a Valentines card out of pity when they were kids, but he showed no real interest in her until she had undergone her transformation, so why should she settle for someone so vacuous when throughout the movie she’s been so independent?

If this movie didn’t star Paris Hilton it would have probably have been a watchable movie on a rainy afternoon if there was nothing else to watch. Not really funny, not really likeable, but nothing wildly bad. However Paris really does take a very average movie and manage to make it unwatchable, as it was clearly a movie written with her in mind, and is ultimately just a big ego wank for her. If you want to see how bad this is for yourself, then be my guest, but my best advice is to avoid this movie as its definitely way more beast than beauty. 

#40 The Hottie and The Nottie (2008) (Colin)

Cast: Paris Hilton, Joel David Moore, Christine Lakin, Johann Urb, Adam Kulbersh.

Director: Tom Putman

Genre: Comedy, Romance

*spoiler alert*

Our next movie stars Paris Hilton, a person who I have absolutely no time for. If there was an option to shove a rusty ice pick through my testicles rather than spend any of my time on this vacuous waste of space, then I would have picked the nut painful alternative everytime.

My main problem with her is I have absolutely no idea why she is famous. On her Wikipedia page, her 'occupation' is down as 'Socialite' which confuses me as I had no idea turning up to parties for free champagne was actually an occupation.

Her other listed occupations include; TV Personality, (but surely you need a personality first)? Singer (and who can forget her 2006 smash hit, 'Nothing in This World' which stormed to no. 55 in the UK charts?). And finally author? I've not read the book yet, but I'm sure it'll be short-listed in the Nobel Prize for Literature in the near future.

I'm not being snobby, but Hilton just seems to be trying so damn hard to be famous. In a way she is succeeding as she is famous for trying every single job possible and being pretty shit at all of them.

Except for business woman, I can't deny she has made millions out of being famous for doing not very well at lots of things.

An occupation that I did not mention was 'actor' and this brings us on nicely back to our next movie, The Hottie and The Nottie. I had not seen this movie before and so I had no idea of how good or bad Hilton's acting actually was.  Did Hilton actually find a job she is quite good at or, like her 2004 sex tape, ‘1 Night in Paris’, did she suck throughout?

Nate Cooper, (Joel David Moore), struggles to hold down relationships. His current squeeze, Jane, (Kathryn Fiore), isn’t working out either and it's not long before she's spraying the word 'Loser' on his car and dumping him.  

The problem, it seems, is that Nate is obsessed with a girl he met in first grade called Cristabel Abbott, (Paris Hilton), who he firmly believes was the perfect girl and which he now uses as a measure for future girlfriends.

Nate decides the only way to get the perfect girlfriend is to date the perfect girl and so he decides to track down Cristabel and to ask her out. He calls upon his friend at school and chief creepy stalking guy, Arno, (The Greg Wilson), to help track her down. 

At school Arno referred to Cristabel as the ‘Hottie’ and her ugly best friend, June Phigg, (Christine Lakin), the ‘Nottie’ and has kept an unhealthily large file on Cristabel. Sure enough, Arno knows her exact daily movements and where to find her.

Cristabel jogs along the same stretch of beach every day and Nate literally bumps into her. He finds out that Cristabel is single and still hanging around with best friend June, however, she has decided not to find another man until June has a boyfriend. Seeing an opportunity, Nate decides to try to find June a boyfriend.

Nate tries but ultimately fails to get June a fella but, by chance, a handsome dentist, Johann Wulrich, (Johann Urb), walks into their lives and falls for June. At least this is what June thinks; in actual fact Johann views June as a 'project' and fixes her teeth, gives her a spa beauty treatment and a decent hair cut in the hope of getting his ‘reward’ afterwards.

Now less 'Nottie' and completely unrelated, I’m sure, Nate realises that in actual fact it is June who he actually liked all along……

Will June realise Johann’s plot? Will Nate win June’s heart? And was Paris Hilton heiress or heirhead?

The answer to the last question, without doubt, is heirhead……

It was as feared, Paris Hilton took to acting like a stone to water. Hilton delivers the script as if she is reading the classified ads out loud whilst on the toilet. She is emotionless, cold and aloof and the director could have used a life sized Barbie doll with a lawnmower engine up it’s behind.

Most scenes call for Hilton to do nothing more than smile and pout and for reasons unbeknownst to me, she can not even manage that. Having also listed model on her Wikipedia page, I would have assumed this was caviar and champagne to young Hilton but she makes a dogs dinner of it, (a very posh dogs dinner, I grant you).

What damages Hilton is that, unfortunately for her, she is surrounded by actors who can act. None more so that Moore whose Nate I actually enjoyed. He pulled off some good comedic timing and deliveries and if you’d put his character into another rom com, then I am pretty certain it would’ve worked. I enjoyed him as Colin Fisher in Bones and fortunately this movie did not hurt his career too much as the following year he went on to play Norm Spellman in James Cameroon’s epic Smurfs blockbuster movie, Avatar (2009).

On the surface the movie itself is OK. The soundtrack is decent pop punk in places, the photography is good and has none of the weird editing or bad cuts we’ve experienced with recent movies and the acting, (sans Hilton), is generally at an acceptable level.

The problem with this movie is 2 assumptions. 1) That men will only look on the surface at women and will have no interest whatsoever if they look different, are a bit quirky and slightly odd. 2) Paris Hilton is hot.

Both of these assumptions are way off the mark.

This movie is a High School cheerleader bully who makes fun out of the nerds, geeks and outcasts and thinks it is beautiful, special and all that and a bag of potato chips. It invites us to laugh, mock and poke fun at someone who has confidence issues, a medical problem and possibly depression.

It’s a nasty movie and even though the ending is trying to prove that actually this is a movie that teaches you not to judge a book by its cover, it’s still happy to raise cheap laughs at someone else's expense throughout.

Rant over and back to the question; did Hilton actually find a job she is quite good at or, like her 2004 sex tape 1 Night in Paris, did she suck throughout? Well, to paraphrase Wayne’s World, she managed to blow and suck!

The movie was clearly written for Hilton and massages her already over inflated ego throughout. It supports her own beliefs that she some sort of higher being which we should all worship and that all women should be just like her. It kisses up to the point of cringe and is difficult to watch in places without projectile vomiting.

Avoid this Hilton publicity project at all costs. It was supposed to showcase her talents but it highlighted her shortcomings and added a new career path which she has tried and successfully been bad at.

The problem is as clear as June’s newly found complexion, Hilton is like her namesake hotel chain, over-priced, over-rated and ultimately disappointing.