Sunday, 3 March 2013

#92 I Know Who Killed Me (Wes)

I Know Who Killed Me

Let me just start this review off with a warning: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS. However the spoilers that it contains are for different movies, the fact is that if you can’t spot the plot twists in this movie, then you’re either colour blind or the one person that watched From Dusk Til Dawn and was surprised when everyone turned out to be vampires. 

I Know Who Killed Me is based around the disappearance of Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan), a goody two shoes type girl, who goes missing on a night out with friends and is subsequently seen being tortured on a table by an unknown serial killer. Some time later a driver discovers a severely injured woman (She’s missing a hand and half a leg) by the side of the road, who later claims to be a stripper called Dakota Moss (Lindsay Lohan) who has no idea who Aubrey is, even though she looks EXACTLY like her. But Dakota has the same DNA as Aubrey, and detectives find a story that Aubrey had written about a stripper called Dakota. Aubrey’s doctors put it down to Post Traumatic Stress, and Dakota moves into Aubrey’s room, whilst her parents and the police wait for her memory to return. Dakota becomes convinced that Aubrey is her identical twin sister and sets out to find the killer before Aubrey is murdered.

The tagline to this movie was “If you think you know the secret… Think twice”. This is possibly the worst tagline ever due to the fact that if you can’t spot the secret then you probably couldn’t work out that the planet Charlton Heston was on was Earth all along (even though for some reason they now put the Statue of Liberty on the DVD cover – but that’s a rant for a different time). 

The director (Chris Sivertson) clearly watched M. Night Shyamalan’s The Sixth Sense and thought what a brilliant idea the use of colour was for hinting at the upcoming twist. However, unlike Shyamalan, Sivertson doesn’t believe in the old adage “less is more” and saturates nearly every scene in it. So when Aubrey is onscreen everything is filmed with blue lighting and is littered with blue props, and when Dakota is onscreen everything is red. I’m actually surprised that Sivertson didn’t make Lohan wear tops with a giant A or D on to indicate which person we were watching (like the twins in the 80s animated show Pigeon Street).

At this point if you can’t actually tell they are two separate people, then you may have to finally accept the fact that you’ll never be able to join Scooby Doo’s gang. However, if you can guess who the killer is, then they may reconsider, as it is pretty much all a Scooby Doo ending (here’s a hint – it wasn’t Mr Wickles, like it was in the Scooby Doo episode What A Night For A Knight).

So now we all know that Lohan plays two people, there is a very worrying point I want to make here. This is the second time she has played twins, the first time being the Disney movie The Parent Trap. That means that, including Lohan herself, there are at least THREE people on this planet who think we need another Lindsay Lohan! Going by her acting standards in this movie, then that really isn’t a good idea (the only other film I’ve ever seen her in is Machete).

Apparently she even took pole dancing lessons to make her performance as Dakota more authentic. To me, that seems like a massive waste of time. Personally I couldn’t tell as I was watching her crappy performance through a red haze of rage (or possibly that was the crappy lighting choices of the director) and I’m sure the target audience for that scene would be watching it through squinted eyes anyway.

I'm pretty sure this film featured Lohan's first sex scene too. Unfortunately for any teenage boys reading this, Lohan does keep her bra on throughout. Which, bearing in mind this is Dakota's scene, seems strangely out of character. A stripper who gets coy whilst having sex whilst her "mother" is downstairs banging pots and pans and trying to ignore the sex noises? Of course this is a stripper who is also seducing her twin sisters boyfriend. But nobody brings this up at any point later, so it's all ok.

Which brings me on nicely to my next point. It's not entirely fair to blame Lohan for this lousy movie, she can only work with the script that’s been given to her, and that is where so many of this films problems lie. This is Jeff Hammond’s only writing credit, so perhaps the name of this movie is actually a self-prophesied reference to his crappy script writing skills. The plot is absolutely absurd, pretty much on a par with the water intolerant aliens in Signs invading a planet that is mostly water covered and where water falls from the sky on a regular basis. 

The fact that twins, who were separated at birth, have some sort of psychic link between them that causes one to suffer the same physical injuries as the other is just beyond silly. Dakota’s fingers fall off as Aubrey is tortured (and right in the middle of a pole dance too, talk about inconvenient), and she tries in vain to sew them back on. That’s right, they are stigmatic twins. I can only assume that neither of them had any accidents in their life ever and were completely unaware of this. Much the same I suppose as Luke Skywalker being completely unaware that Darth Vader is really his father.

One thing you may have noticed in this review is that I haven’t mentioned any of the other actors in this movie. Again this is a problem with the script. Characters seem to appear and disappear as quickly as an X-Factor winners career. Those that do appear for more than five minutes actually make Lohan’s performance look good. Halfway through this car crash of a movie I was hoping that one of the characters that would appear next would be Bobby Ewing taking a shower and this would all be a bad dream.

Seriously if you want to watch a psychological horror movie with a great twist then try Don’t Look Now, or even Saw (if you also want the torture aspect), just avoid this one.

Rosebud… *drops snowglobe*

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