I grew up on a diet of country and western music such as Jim Reeves, Johnny Cash and Hank Williams. Many a Sunday afternoon I've spent cringing as Mum sings along to Patsy Cline in our local social club. Every week I would pray for the jukebox to be switched off and for the meat raffle to begin, (meat raffles are a social club thing in which you buy a raffle ticket for cuts of meat the local butcher has to get rid off due to a forthcoming health inspection).
After the club, whilst dad swore at the oven and used every pot and pan in the house to make dinner, we'd sit down to watch TV. ITV was usually showing a cowboy movie from the 50's and so we'd end up watching it. I must have seen so many Westerns, that I'm sure Mr. Wayne must have appeared in more than one, but a lack of interest on my part means I have no recollection and they've all merged together.
So, like millions of others, I am aware of the actor John Wayne. I am aware also, that he made other types of movies than the cowboy films for which he is most famous for. I was not aware, however, he played Mongol chief, Genghis Khan, in a movie. Strangely, neither did my Western obsessed family! This, for me, was a bad sign and the 3.2 score on IMDb seemed to confirm this. When I then found out it was nearly 2 hours long I cried, removed all sharp objects from the house and put The Samaritans on speed dial. I just had a feeling that this was going to be exceptionally bad.
I was right.
#81 The Conqueror (1956)
Normally when I go to review a movie on our list, I have to remind myself of the plot using Wikipedia or IMDb and then I try to summarise it in a short and concise way. Usually it is a struggle to try to condense the plot down and at nearly 2 hours long, you would expect a lengthy introduction and many long paragraphs to get over the complexity of the movie. You would be wrong.
Let's take the Wikipedia plot description of our last movie, Mac and Me, for instance. At 95 minutes, this is an average length movie and Wikipedia uses 633 words to explain the plot, which to be honest is not exactly complex or difficult to explain. Let's then look at Wikipedia's plot description of The Conqueror. At 111 minutes, it's a bit lengthy to say the least, so how many words do they need to put over the plot? 800? 1,000? The answer is 70. For once I'm going to have to pad out the plot, ironically like the movie.
Wayne takes the lead role as Temujin, (who later becomes Genghis Khan), a mongol chief who falls in love with Bortai, (Susan Hayward). Whilst most men would buy her a small gift or invite her out to dinner, Temujin kidnaps her. Her father, leader of the Tartar tribe, is a bit miffed and so sets about going to war with Temujin. Bortai is then rescued from Temujin during a raid by the Tartar and later they kidnap Temujin. So just as Bortai is nice and safe from the man who held her captive and mistreated her, they then decide put him in the same place as Bortai. Bortai's dad, surprisingly, missed out on the father of the year 1198 award.
Realising that she likes being kidnapped, slapped around and shouted at, Bortai falls in love with Temujin and helps him to escape. Temujin then sets out to get his revenge on the Tartars and the Mongol traitors who helped to kidnap him. Temujin defeats them all, wins the girl and is crowned Genghis Khan.
As you can see the plot is not elaborate, so why does it take 2 hours to tell it? Well there is an awful amount of filler in the movie. For example the prolonged fight scenes that look more like a western than 12th century Mongolia or the floury dialogue that tries to make the movie seem educated and informed but really just add to the naively and ignorance. In one particularly (un)memorable scene, there is a 10 minute belly dance. This just goes on and on and kills the mood of the story which should be building up to a bloody fight between 2 vicious tribes but feels more like an extended special of Britain's Got (No) Talent.
Let's take the Wikipedia plot description of our last movie, Mac and Me, for instance. At 95 minutes, this is an average length movie and Wikipedia uses 633 words to explain the plot, which to be honest is not exactly complex or difficult to explain. Let's then look at Wikipedia's plot description of The Conqueror. At 111 minutes, it's a bit lengthy to say the least, so how many words do they need to put over the plot? 800? 1,000? The answer is 70. For once I'm going to have to pad out the plot, ironically like the movie.
Wayne takes the lead role as Temujin, (who later becomes Genghis Khan), a mongol chief who falls in love with Bortai, (Susan Hayward). Whilst most men would buy her a small gift or invite her out to dinner, Temujin kidnaps her. Her father, leader of the Tartar tribe, is a bit miffed and so sets about going to war with Temujin. Bortai is then rescued from Temujin during a raid by the Tartar and later they kidnap Temujin. So just as Bortai is nice and safe from the man who held her captive and mistreated her, they then decide put him in the same place as Bortai. Bortai's dad, surprisingly, missed out on the father of the year 1198 award.
Realising that she likes being kidnapped, slapped around and shouted at, Bortai falls in love with Temujin and helps him to escape. Temujin then sets out to get his revenge on the Tartars and the Mongol traitors who helped to kidnap him. Temujin defeats them all, wins the girl and is crowned Genghis Khan.
As you can see the plot is not elaborate, so why does it take 2 hours to tell it? Well there is an awful amount of filler in the movie. For example the prolonged fight scenes that look more like a western than 12th century Mongolia or the floury dialogue that tries to make the movie seem educated and informed but really just add to the naively and ignorance. In one particularly (un)memorable scene, there is a 10 minute belly dance. This just goes on and on and kills the mood of the story which should be building up to a bloody fight between 2 vicious tribes but feels more like an extended special of Britain's Got (No) Talent.
I briefly mentioned that the fight scenes resembled a western and that really is the crux of the problem with this movie. It IS a western, albeit a western which has stumbled upon a bunch of cowboys going to a 12th century Genghis Khan fancy dress party. There is a disclaimer that this is based on fact but a work of fiction. The 'fact' seems to be that there once was someone called Genghis Khan and that's about as far as the facts go. When it comes to realism and historical accuracy The Batley Townswomen Guild's reenactment of Pearl Harbour from Monty Python is far more authentic.
Wayne himself seemed to turn up a little unsure as to what was going on. He sticks on a moustache and starts doing an impression of Benny Hill doing an oriental chappy. His portrayal of the younger Khan is flat and one dimensional. Having played the rough all American hero throughout his career, going 8 centuries back and playing someone from Asia really stretches him. Hayward as his support is also bemused as to her character and just turns up for lots of soft focus shots and presumably the pay check. This is what confuses me though, both were hugely successful and didn't need the pay checks. Why they agreed to this pile of unauthentic 12th century horse shit, I don't know.
Fortunately for me, as I have such a small mind, one thing kept me going throughout the whole movie, innuendo! (Tee-hee, in your end doe). Yes some of the names of the characters and tribes sound a bit rude and in a movie which has nothing else happening, this really stands out. Wang, (Thomas Gomez) is a good one and offers twice the innuendo for you money as his surname is Khan, (Wang Khan geddit? Wanker). Gomez's acting is ok and as a baddy he does pull it off.
Personal favourite is Kumlek, (Ted de Corsia), which sounds like 'Cum lick'. You may think this is crude and leaves a bad taste in your mouth, but I found it funny. I did do a little wee as Wayne constantly spoke of Cum Lick Wangs and so on, but after 2 hours it does lose its edge. The longer it is, the more it disappoints, (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).
So who is to blame for this disaster of a movie? Fortunately that takes a lot less time to work out than the actual film itself. The fault goes to the man whose brainchild this piece of crap was, the man who bankrolled it, the man who owned the studio, the producer, Mr Howard Hughes. Not only was he largely to blame for this stink fest, but it has been argued that he was to blame for John Wayne's death.
So who is to blame for this disaster of a movie? Fortunately that takes a lot less time to work out than the actual film itself. The fault goes to the man whose brainchild this piece of crap was, the man who bankrolled it, the man who owned the studio, the producer, Mr Howard Hughes. Not only was he largely to blame for this stink fest, but it has been argued that he was to blame for John Wayne's death.
Those with a keen sense of geography, indeed anyone who has ever read the Junior Atlas, would probably have spotted that Mongolia looks an awful lot like the Nevada dessert in this picture. You would be right, although for accuracy, (something that never bothered Hughes), it was about 130 miles away in St George, Utah. More importantly, it was also around 130 miles away from some hardcore nuclear testing that had taken place a few years earlier. Yep, Hughes decided to shoot the movie in an area contaminated with some fresh high level radiation!
I personally do not think it can be proven that this caused Wayne's cancer or subsequent death and so to blame Hughes for this is a bit of a leap of faith. But what I must question is the sanity of a man willing to put people's lives at risk for something that is really not very good. Reading up on Howard Hughes you will find that he was a massively successful film maker, (until this movie), aviator, inventor and businessman. The reasons as to why he then took this risk and ploughed on becomes clear: ego and money.
I personally do not think it can be proven that this caused Wayne's cancer or subsequent death and so to blame Hughes for this is a bit of a leap of faith. But what I must question is the sanity of a man willing to put people's lives at risk for something that is really not very good. Reading up on Howard Hughes you will find that he was a massively successful film maker, (until this movie), aviator, inventor and businessman. The reasons as to why he then took this risk and ploughed on becomes clear: ego and money.
So whether or not he really is responsible for the death of John Wayne, I do not know, but I do know that he is responsible for 2 hours of pure boredom and time I will never get back. Hughes turned into a recluse and reportedly, having bought the rights to The Conqueror, did not allow it to be broadcast and watched it on loop, naked and alone. He vowed it should never be shown again but unfortunately in our On Demand age, this did not happen. In his honour I hereby pledge I will never watch or show to anyone this movie ever again. After all it is the least I can do as it is a sad end to a life having to watch bad movies non stop. Only an idiot would embark on a project like that. And so maybe he can be forgiven, for anyone who watches this movie more than once clearly is not a well person and deserves our sympathy.
*Sniggers* Wang Khan Kumlek.......
*Sniggers* Wang Khan Kumlek.......
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