My name is Colin and I love Speed. Not the drug, amphetamine, I don't trust a drug that gets
you in the mood for making sweet lurve only to find your John Thomas has shrunk
to the size of a pea. I off course mean the 1994 film starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.
Professor
Homer J Simpson from the Institute
of Cinematic Excellence, sums up the plot of the film far better than I can....
'.......a
movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city keeping its SPEED
over 50, and if its SPEED changed, it would explode! I think it was
called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'
And
the film really is an edge of the seat action packed thriller as you wonder can
Bullock keep the same anxious look
on her face for the full 90 minutes. Actually I'm being harsh, Bullock was very good in the film and
had a great on screen chemistry with Reeves.
But it really was Reeves who shined
and successfully managed to shake of his Californian surfer stoner dude
stereotype. Excellent!
The
film was a great commercial success, enjoying rave reviews and making a nice
healthy profit. This led to a problem; the studio wanted to do a sequel......
#88 Speed 2: The Boat
That Couldn't Slow Down
Plot: Bloke hacks into
ships navigation system and sets it on a collision course with an oil tanker.
That really is it! There is a reason why the baddie of the movie, John Geiger,
(played fairly well by Willem Dafoe,
but wasting his time trying to make the dogs dinner of a script come to life),
does this and it involves poisoned, revenge, blah blah. I'll be honest, I
totally missed it as I was so bored I decided to try to find out how to disable
my tracker pad on my laptop as it has an annoying habit of moving the cursor to
random places. If you're interested, then for a Sony Vaio it's fucking
difficult.
After
the roller coaster, fast paced action of the first movie, surely someone at the
storyboard meeting should have twigged that the plot for the sequel really
wasn't up to scratch. A recently leaked document from the plot outline meeting,
would suggest at least one person did.
Dave
Madeupname: So, Mr de Bont, (The Director of Speed 2), Speed was a
real success and I must say that I'm and indeed all of the shareholders are
very excited to be working on this project with you.
Director:
Thanks Dave, I'm really psyched and itching to get going. We've got an idea and
it's exciting, dare I say it'll smash Speed
'out of the water' *giggles to self*
Dave
Madeupname: Excellent, so first off then, where will it be set? A train? A
plane? A space rocket? *chuckles around room*
Director:
A ship!
*Silence*
Dave
Madeupname: *laughs* very good. (Director looks blank). You're serious?
Ok...... Yep, we're screwed!
Verdict: They sure were! I
mean, who in their right mind would base a movie with the word 'Speed' in it's
title, on a ship which barely goes beyond 5 knots?
The
problem begins with Keanu Reeves or
rather the lack off. Reeves was on
board, (for once, no pun intended), for the sequel right up until the last
minute. He changed his mind, probably 5 minutes after leaving the fictitious plot
meeting above. Actually this is not too far from the truth, once Reeves had read the script he all of a
sudden remembered he was taking his band on tour, oh and he's actually involved
in another movie. And his goldfish has just been taken ill.
Whatever
the real reasons, Reeves dropped out
and was replaced with Jason Patric.
Here is the second problem, Patric
sucks in the lead role, (playing Officer Alex Shaw). Wes nailed it when in his
blog he said, 'Jason Patric gets out-acted by a boat’, (spot on and best put down so far sir!). Patric oozes about
as much sex appeal as Ann Widdecombe
in a mankini, (unless you're called Boris, in which case ding dong), he's as
butch as Christmas and as diverse an actor as a lump of 2 by 4! And that's his
good points. The film sorely missed Reeves
and Patric just does not cut it as
the replacement.
Sandra Bullock is also very poor.
Annie was a fun likeable character in Speed,
now she seems to have turned into a neurotic airhead. Bullock just seems to have turned up for the ride, (seriously,
these puns are not intended. There are enough 'dad gags' already). There is no
effort, the 'comedy' moments are cringy and embarrassing to watch and this time
her character is about as likeable as George
Osbourne at an Olympic ceremony.
However,
when you get Patric and Bullock together you have the next
problem. They act like 2 complete strangers, not like 2 young people in the
first few months of a relationship. When Alex decides to propose, it really was
a shock because he looks at her about as lovingly he would a pile of ironing. I
can only assume Alex needs a green card or something. Overall, Patric and Bullock share about as much chemical reaction and spark as
distilled water.
The
actual film itself is slow paced, far too long at nearly 2 hours, badly
scripted, poorly acted and one of the worst sequels I've ever seen. I was so
bored watching this tripe, that I started making crap jokes, (as normal), to
get me through it! For example, on board they meet a deaf girl and we discover
Alex, can read sign language, (there's no beginning to this man’s talent!). In
my head he can't, so when he tells Annie that she says 'you're beautiful', in
my head she responds and signs, 'fuck off, I asked where's Neo gone and whose
that talentless prick you're with?' Small minds eh?!
When
UB40 start playing, (yes really UB40, performing ‘live’ on the boat), I
start to wish the boat would just blow up already. But I persevered and I can
report that nothing happens very slowly and the big budget ending is spoilt by
an extra. Near the end of the very long boring movie, the cruise ship smashes
into the island and, as it ploughs down a street, crowds of people run away ‘terrified’.
Apart, that is, from one extra who is in a phone booth and does the most half
hearted dropping of the phone and looking scared you've seen. It looked more ‘ho-hum’
rather than, ‘Shhhiiiiitttt, there's a big bastard boat heading towards me!’
I
think it says a lot about the film when even the extras just can't be arsed!
Summary: It's hard to put
into words how bad this film is, but I have tried! I think Simon Pegg sums up
sequels best in a recent tweet:
'@simonpegg: I get sequels when the
story is continuous. They become instalments in a grander arc but when a story
finishes, it should be left alone.'
I
couldn't agree more.
Scores:
Speed: 10/10
Speed in Speed 2: 1/10
Overall: 2/10
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