#83 Catwoman (2004)
Dripping
Catwoman is loosely based on the DC comics character from the Batman series. This time Catwoman is Patience Phillips, (played by Halle Berry), a graphic designer who works for a beauty cosmetics company called Hedare Beauty. Head of Hedare Beauty, George Hedare, (Lambert Wilson) and his wife Laurel Hedare, (Sharon Stone) are about to launch a new beauty cream called Beau Line. Beau Line has some nasty side effects such as extreme aging and disfigurement, which Patience discovers after overhearing Laurel and Dr. Ivan Slavicky, (Peter Wingfield) discussing it. Patience is found by Laurel's guards and after a short chase is literally flushed out of a water pipe and falls to her death into the sea below.
Patience is brought back to life by a Mau cat called Midnight, whom Patience had earlier rescued from her building. This gives her cat like powers such as speed, agility and coughing up fur balls. The movie is then a story of Patience as Catwoman, who embarks on a revenge mission over Hedare Beauty. She kicks the guard's ass who had flushed her out of the water pipe, (yeah!), she kicks the ass of a neighbour who had kept Patience awake all night with their late parties, (erm, yeah!) and she successfully kicks Laurel's ass and stops the launch of Beau Line, (zzzzz, wassat, oh, yeah!).
It concludes with a monologue from Patience about how this is only the start for Catwoman and there is more to follow. This, I guess, was to leave the film open for a sequel. Thankfully, as far as I'm aware, this is it and no follow up will ever be made! You see, one installment of this dire movie was more than enough....
The cast, whilst not dripping with A Listers, does consist of Halle Berry and Sharon Stone. These two alone should command a decent movie, but both actors appear wooden and stagnant. Stone especially seems to have caught a touch of the Madonna, not only in looks for the movie, but in delivering half hearted unemotional lines which appear to be read, (badly), from an autocue. She is not helped by on screen husband, Lambert Wilson who as head of this nasty corporation should come across as a heartless bastard, but actually comes across as an Englishman who tsks quietly in a queue when someone pushes in front off him.
I do not really get Wilson and Stone's characters. Firstly, George is supposed to be the 'baddie curve ball' in that we are supposed to think throughout the whole movie that he is the evil person pedaling this dangerous chemical, where in actual fact it is Laurel. I only come to this conclusion because Catwoman seems genuinely surprised when the 'reveal' occurs towards the end. I for one had gone throughout the entire movie thinking it was Laurel and not really giving George's character much thought. I am not clever, nor did I guess this brilliantly, it was just done lazily by the director, as if he half wanted to do it, but wasn't sure.
Then there is the chemistry between George and Laurel. It should be one of sparks, greed and anger as George's constant affairs with younger women should rile Laurel and Laurel's secret plan to oust her husband and to take control should make for one explosive on screen presence. But it's not, it's really tame. Stone just acts like a huffy spoilt girl whilst Wilson just plays the stereotypical English bad guy from Hollywood movies, (By jingo, I'm jolly cross and will use my superior use of the English language to bamboozle you).
Wet
Patience's love interest cop, Tom Lone, (Benjamin Bratt), is also rather unremarkable as a supporting actor. On discovering Patience was Catwoman, it really should have torn his world apart as the woman he 'loved' was the same woman who had allegedly killed George Hadare, (yep we all get put out of our misery). But it's an irrelevance to him, a slight bump in the road. Bratt was actually considered to play alongside Sharon Stone in the 'how on earth did this not make our list' Basic Instinct 2. Stone, however, thought he was not a good enough actor for the movie and blocked this from happening. In a movie which considered ex-footballer Stan Collymore as an actor, this is a pretty bad insult and speaks volumes.
But what about the 'cat in the room', Halle Berry? In a movie full of non performances, Berry is there with them. However, unlike her co-stars, I do not think this is her doing. I am going to give the benefit of the doubt to her as I firmly believe she never stood a chance.
In the recent Dark Knight franchise, the Batman movies directed by Tim Burton, seem to have been forgotten. This I think is a mistake as they were brilliant and in many ways I prefer these to the new movies, which, I feel, drag along at times. The best of the Burton films, for me, was Batman Returns, (1992).
Danny Devito's Penguin in Batman Returns was, I think, the best baddie of all the franchises. The right mixture of pathos, comedy and tragedy, Devito gave an outstanding performance of a confused character with whom the audience, strangely, could connect with. Then off course there was Michelle Pfeiffer and her portrayal of Catwoman.
Pfeiffer totally nailed the part. Yes she was sexy in black, but more than that, she had that right mixture of good and evil which Catwoman should have. As Selina Kyle, she was the meek, downtrodden secretary, as Catwoman, she was the strong, powerful woman intent on getting her own way. Then there was relationship with Batman both as Selina and Bruce Wayne and as Batman and Catwoman. Two very different relationships, two very different dynamics and two very good performances from Micheal Keaton and Pfeiffer.
I briefly mentioned when Lone discovers that Patience is in actual fact Catwoman, that it is a non event and really it is. In fact it's quite cold and emotionless as he discovers her true identity by taking a DNA sample from Patience and comparing it to a DNA sample from Catwoman. In Batman Returns, the reveal was superb and the lines 'Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it' is a standout line from this movie. I don't think, 'it's a match', quite has the same feel or effect.
To compare Batman Returns with Catwoman is unfair and a bit like comparing Citizen Kane to Jersey Shore Shark Attack, but it is relevant due to the use of the Catwoman character. What made Batman Returns so good was Batman's relationship with Catwoman. He admires her 'will do what she likes' attitude, understands how she feels after being betrayed but at the same time can not stand by and watch her do all this because he still firmly has his beliefs of what is right and wrong. It works because there was a lot going on between them. When you then take one character out of this and make a movie based solely on her, it was always going to be a more shallow, two-dimensional and unfulfilling experience.
Catwoman is just not a strong enough character to hold her own movie. And her alter-ego Patience, is not a strong enough character for the audience to care for. In fact, before Patience becomes Catwoman, we don't really get to learn a lot about her character apart from the fact she is a graphic designer, unlucky in love and does not like her job. Well whoopty fucking doo, so what? Who cares? She is not particularly engaging and her death at only 20 minutes into the movie is one of mild consequence. In fact her death comes far too early in the movie and we have not had time to 'like' the character. It feels like you've just been told that the bloke who lives at no. 29, who you've only seen at a distance once in your life, has an ingrown toenail.
This non-empathy carries on when she takes on her boss, roughs up the neighbours who hold the late night parties and gets revenge on her killer. You just don't care. Nor do we care too much about where she lives as for some strange reason, the movie makers decided to take her out of Gotham City and place her in Salt Lake City. This probably explains why there is no atmosphere throughout the whole movie as gone is the dark, Gothic, comic book scenes and it's all been replaced with, well normal. Warner Bros should have given the movie the tagline: 'A normal woman in a normal city has a rather unremarkable adventure'. Hmm, that would have got my juices flowing.
With a poor script, setting and a weak character to begin with, Catwoman truly is an unremarkable and dull movie. It is a poor man's The Crow which we do not need as The Crow 2 did that already. As a cat owner, I must confess that I would rather watch my own cats having a shit than watch this movie ever again. This has the added benefit that the fetid, putrid stench that they produce from their bottoms will still be fresher than the stink that surrounds this movie! Catwoman needs to be buried deep within the proverbial litter tray and should never see the light of day again.
But I'll leave the final word on this movie to the star herself, Halle Berry. In 2005, Berry won a Golden Razzie for 'Worst Actress Of The Year' for her role as Catwoman and famously turned up in person to accept it. Her speech was a parody of her 2002 Oscar speech and she even brought the Oscar onto stage with her when accepting the award. It really is brilliant and fair play to Berry for turning up and being a good sport. I've linked it below if you would like to hear the whole speech, (and it is funny), but to me, Catwoman is summed up within the following 2 extracts from her acceptance speech:
"First of all, I want to thank Warner Brothers. Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit, god-awful movie... It was just what my career needed"
and
"I'd like to thank the co-stars, because for me to make a really bad performance, I also need really bad actors working with me..."
Exactly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-7s_yeQuDg
I briefly mentioned when Lone discovers that Patience is in actual fact Catwoman, that it is a non event and really it is. In fact it's quite cold and emotionless as he discovers her true identity by taking a DNA sample from Patience and comparing it to a DNA sample from Catwoman. In Batman Returns, the reveal was superb and the lines 'Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it' is a standout line from this movie. I don't think, 'it's a match', quite has the same feel or effect.
Pussy
To compare Batman Returns with Catwoman is unfair and a bit like comparing Citizen Kane to Jersey Shore Shark Attack, but it is relevant due to the use of the Catwoman character. What made Batman Returns so good was Batman's relationship with Catwoman. He admires her 'will do what she likes' attitude, understands how she feels after being betrayed but at the same time can not stand by and watch her do all this because he still firmly has his beliefs of what is right and wrong. It works because there was a lot going on between them. When you then take one character out of this and make a movie based solely on her, it was always going to be a more shallow, two-dimensional and unfulfilling experience.
Catwoman is just not a strong enough character to hold her own movie. And her alter-ego Patience, is not a strong enough character for the audience to care for. In fact, before Patience becomes Catwoman, we don't really get to learn a lot about her character apart from the fact she is a graphic designer, unlucky in love and does not like her job. Well whoopty fucking doo, so what? Who cares? She is not particularly engaging and her death at only 20 minutes into the movie is one of mild consequence. In fact her death comes far too early in the movie and we have not had time to 'like' the character. It feels like you've just been told that the bloke who lives at no. 29, who you've only seen at a distance once in your life, has an ingrown toenail.
This non-empathy carries on when she takes on her boss, roughs up the neighbours who hold the late night parties and gets revenge on her killer. You just don't care. Nor do we care too much about where she lives as for some strange reason, the movie makers decided to take her out of Gotham City and place her in Salt Lake City. This probably explains why there is no atmosphere throughout the whole movie as gone is the dark, Gothic, comic book scenes and it's all been replaced with, well normal. Warner Bros should have given the movie the tagline: 'A normal woman in a normal city has a rather unremarkable adventure'. Hmm, that would have got my juices flowing.
With a poor script, setting and a weak character to begin with, Catwoman truly is an unremarkable and dull movie. It is a poor man's The Crow which we do not need as The Crow 2 did that already. As a cat owner, I must confess that I would rather watch my own cats having a shit than watch this movie ever again. This has the added benefit that the fetid, putrid stench that they produce from their bottoms will still be fresher than the stink that surrounds this movie! Catwoman needs to be buried deep within the proverbial litter tray and should never see the light of day again.
"First of all, I want to thank Warner Brothers. Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit, god-awful movie... It was just what my career needed"
and
"I'd like to thank the co-stars, because for me to make a really bad performance, I also need really bad actors working with me..."
Exactly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-7s_yeQuDg
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