Therefore, just like I did with my Time Chasers blog, (which if you would like to read, click here), I will start by making a disclaimer. I have no intention to steal or pass off any MST3K gags as my own, if I do, it has been by accident and the MST3K version of that gag will be far superior and funnier. I highly recommend that you watch the MST3K version on YouTube after you read this blog and I’ve put the link at the bottom of this page, (so no excuses! J).
Marvellous, that’s that sorted and now onto our next movie L’oumo Puma, (The Pumaman) (1980)……
Evil Dr. Kobras (Donald Pleasence), has managed to get his mitts on an Aztec golden mask, (smokin’!), which has alien technology and allows the wearer to control other people’s minds. He plans to use the mask to control the minds of earth’s leaders and therefore the world! Only one thing can stop him, an all-powerful superhero known simply as ‘Pumaman’.
Pumaman’s identity is a mystery, but Kobras does know that Pumaman is American and working in London. Logically then, he orders his henchmen to throw every American working in London out of tall buildings. At the same time, an Aztec priest by the name of Vadinho, (Miguel Angel Fuentes), is also looking for Pumaman and thinks he may have tracked him down.
Tony Farms, (Walter George Alton), fits the bill, he’s American, works in London and is yet to be thrown out of a window. Vadinho duly obliges and when Tony doesn’t go splat, he realises that Tony must be the Pumaman.
For some reason, Tony is reluctant to acknowledge that he is the Pumaman. Whether it’s the shock of the situation, the responsibility this brings or the fact a 7ft Aztec is telling him to take off his belt and put on an Aztec one is a mystery, but Tony wants no part of it.
However, when Jane Dobson, (Synde Rome), tries to kill Tony, he’s a bit put out as he had spent a couple of scenes trying to woo her. If she wasn’t interested, he would have preferred a phone call, text or letter rather than a gun shoved in his face.
A relieved Tony discovers that her mind, (what little there is), is being controlled by Dr. Kobras. ‘How dare he stop me from getting some’ he thinks and decides enough is enough.
Tony now has the powers of a large cat. He can see in the dark, has amazing powers of agility and can shit into a tray full of sand. The Aztec belt gives him further powers, the ability to fly, to teleport himself to previously visited locations and to whinge constantly throughout the movie.
Our hero, the Pumaman, with fire in his belly, determination in his soul and a lovely red cape, sets about to destroy the mask and end Kobras’ plans for world domination. With his new found powers he launches an assault on Kobras’mansion and roundly gets his arse handed back to him.
He falls under Kobras' mind control, loses his powers, cries a bit and contemplates suicide. Unfortunately contemplation is as far as he gets.
Vadinho, who has now learnt to never send a whinging git to do a man's job, formulates his own plan of attack. Wearing a vest of dynamite, he goes on his own mission to the mansion whereby he convinces the guards to take him to Kobras, after threatening to detonate the bomb vest.
Kobras tries to use the mind control mask on Vadinho, but unlike Pumaman, he manages to resist the mind control and starts smashing things up. In all the mayhem, Jane manages to destroy a waxwork head of Tony. This releases Kobras’ control over Tony, Tony gets his powers back and is once again Pumaman!
Tony teleports to the mansion and swiftly lets Vadinho do all the hard work of destroying the other waxwork heads. However, Tony does stop blubbing long enough to finally stop Kobras. He causes the helicopter Kobras tries to escape in to crash and to come to a rather hot and smoky end.
Kobras is defeated, the mask is retrieved and Vadinho goes back to his Aztec alien friends. Tony and Jane finally get it on and a little bit of vomit hits the back of my throat.
It’s fair to say that apart from maybe lacking interesting characters, decent acting, compelling storyline, good special effects, an excellent soundtrack and quality, this movie is truly a masterpiece.
Firstly, why on earth did the writers decide to make their main character, the (super) hero, a snivelling idiot? I appreciate he might be a reluctant hero, who has a great weight of expectancy thrust upon him, but to constantly complain, bitch and moan throughout the movie makes me cheer on Kobras.
Pumaman - ‘I can fly, have tremendous strength and I've been given a chance to make a difference in this world? Well, *bottom lip quivers*, well, *sniffs*, well I didn’t ask to be born’, *cries, runs up stairs, slams bedroom door*.
Honestly the adventures of Pumaman the teenage stroppy sod really gets boring and I wished the story had centred more on Vadinho as he really is the hero of the movie. It's Vadinho who constantly drives forward plans to stop Kobras and frankly he probably would have succeeded a lot quicker if he hadn't wasted his time on that twit.
Tony is a weak character and Jane is not much better. Jane just air heads around the set for 90 minutes and spends a lot of the movie staring at an orange juice carton, (it said concentrate on the box). The pair have no spark or chemistry and their waxwork heads have more life in them.
Alton and Rome are no Bogart and Bacall, that’s for sure and whilst I appreciate the dull script would not help any actor, they are just not strong enough performers to lead a full length movie.
The only recognised actor is Pleasence and I don't know why on earth he agreed to take part in this movie. He tries his best to ham it up, but Kobras is nothing more than a comedy baddie and at no point do I feel peril or the danger which Pumaman is supposed to sense throughout.
The MST3K guys refer to Kobras as looking like an egg and he does, albeit an egg in pyjamas. It is fair to say Pleasence does look daft in his baddie outfit, but not as daft as the look of the special effects.
I say special effects, I actually mean special effect and largely the use of the good old fashioned blue screen with a super imposed background. It is fair to say, Pumaman sets the blue screen technology back 30 years. The main issue seems to be the background they use in post-production, which looks like it’s been shot with a super 8 by someone falling from a plane.
The background is dull, hazy and wishy washy and Pumaman, in contrast, is in sharp detail. This gives the effect that Pumaman is actually sellotaped to a cinema screen whilst a very poor copy of very poor stock footage is projected behind him. (In fact my mocking of how they have produced the effect is probably not too far from the truth).
But if the background is cheap then the soundtrack must have been given away free with a copy of the Daily Mail.
For some reason the soundtrack is just one long funky disco beat, with choppy guitar. There appears to be only 2 different pieces of music throughout and they are either sped up or slowed down depending on the mood they trying to convey. This really is lazy to say the least, but the most annoying thing is that the tunes are so darn catchy! For days afterwards the soundtrack has become my earworm and although it does nothing for the movie, it does make me tap my feet and smile on many occasions!
In summary, this movie has dull characters, poor acting, a lifeless script and the most unrealistic special effects I have ever seen. It looks cheap, feels cheap and is an awful film. That’s right folks, I absolutely loved it! I think I would have loved it even if I had never seen the MST3K version. It has all the right crapness I love and is another of these movies which is ‘so bad it’s good’.
But I have seen the MST3K version and I know the reason I hold it in such high esteem is because of that episode, which, has me in stitches every time I see it. I have found writing this blog the most difficult because of my love with that MST3K episode and I have felt on many occasions that I just cannot compete with them.
Therefore, as promised, here is the link to the MST3K episode which I keep whittling on about. Don your red cape, Aztec belt and snivelling attitude, settle down, enjoy 90 mins of brilliance, (Click here for the MST3K Pumaman link).
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