#60 Son of the Mask (Wes)

Son of the Mask

I remember watching a film when I was younger called Mask. Featuring Cher, it was a biopic about a boy called Rocky Dennis who had a bone disorder (craniodiaphyseal dysplasia, which is also known as lionitis) that severely disfigured his face. It’s actually a very good movie, with great performances from Cher and Eric Stoltz (as Rocky) it hits hard and has stuck with me all my life. So you can imagine my disgust when I found out that somebody had tried to cash in with a sequel to this! However my rage was short lived when I discovered that Son of the Mask was actually a sequel to the Jim Carrey movie based on the Dark Horse comic, The Mask.

Tim Avery (Jamie Kennedy) is a wannabe cartoonist who is reluctant to become a father, even though his wife Tonya (Traylor Howard) desperately wants a baby. When his dog, Otis, finds the Mask of Loki Tim wears it to a Halloween party. This turns him into the party loving hero The Mask, who takes the party by storm. He goes home still wearing the mask and Tim and Tonya conceive a baby. When the baby is born it has the powers normally only granted by the mask. After watching the cartoon One Froggy Evening, the baby, Alvey (Liam and Ryan Falconer), decides to mess with his fathers head and only show his powers when nobody but Tim is looking. This isn’t helped by the fact that Otis accidentally puts on the mask and becomes a dog version of the hero, who then battles Alvey. Whilst all this is happening, the Norse god Loki (Alan Cumming) is trying to find his mask, and eventually Tim must battle him to save his son.

  

The original movie of The Mask really helped to launch Jim Carrey’s career as a leading actor. We could debate whether of not this is a good thing for hours (my stance is that his serious roles proved him to be an extremely fine actor, but his comedy roles mostly fell flat for me), but I think it’s acceptable to state that his role as Stanley Ipkiss in the original movie was a brilliant comic performance (I had to rewatch it after I watched this movie and honestly I’d forgotten how fun it was). To then make a sequel of a much loved movie eleven years later without any of the original cast (apart from a cameo by Ben Stein) was really a very risky idea.

Before I saw this movie I’d only ever seen Jamie Kennedy as Randy Meeks in the Scream franchise (although looking at his biography on IMDB it turns out that he’s had parts in a lot of movies that I’ve seen), so had never associated him as a comedy actor. Strangely after seeing this film I still don’t associate him as a comedy actor. In fact I barely look at him as an actor in this.

  

Having to play the essentially the same character whilst wearing the mask as Jim Carrey is just beyond Kennedy’s range. He doesn’t have the in your face energy that made Carrey so successful in the role. Luckily he only has to don the mask twice in the movie and the focus for the masks powers are on baby Alvey and Otis, which ends up in a movie so reliant on CGI that I can’t believe that George Lucas wasn’t involved in this. The CGI itself sometimes actually looks pretty good (especially the bits with Otis), but on other occasions it’s just plain awful (generally the Alvey bits).

I have to admit that I actually laughed out loud at the battles between Alvey and Otis, which have a really nice Tom and Jerry feel to them (complete with explosives disguised as bones and overly convoluted traps that backfire on Otis). There’s even some traditionally animated cartoon sequences that I found reminiscent of Baby Herman in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Whilst none of this is original in anyway, and its best gags are lifted directly from One Froggy Evening and The Flintstones, it appealed to the part of me that will still happily watch cartoons for hours enough to actually keep me entertained.

As for the rest of the actors, Alan Cumming gives a nice comic book villain performance as Loki, even though he’s constantly being dressed in a variety of wacky disguises as he attempts to track down the mask baby. Of course this does raise a few questions, firstly is why? Nobody has seen him before and he has godly powers, so why put on a ridiculous outfit when visiting the various houses? He could surely just do whatever he wanted to? Secondly, a few films back on this list, we learnt that whenever a god leaves a mask on Earth he leaves a guardian to protect it (often with powers not normally associated with the animal they’re named after). So where was the Viking throwing babies from windows seeing if they’d bounce (the mask baby would) just like in Pumaman? Isn’t this the norm these days?

Traylor Howard doesn’t really do much in the movie, and Stephen Wright (as Avery’s boss, Daniel Moss) is pretty forgettable. Bob Hoskins plays a small cameo role as Odin. Of course Hoskins is an actor who’s had previous experience acting in a movie alongside flat, lifeless characters, who nonetheless featured among their number someone that all the boys fancied even though they knew that they really shouldn’t. But the less said about his cameo in Spiceworld, the better…

The general look of the movie, from sets to costume actually has a really nice comic book feel to it. No matter how much you hate this movie, you can’t deny that it’s well designed at least. The worst part of the design for me was Kennedy’s version of The Mask. Whilst Carrey’s version was faithful to the original comic and looked impressive in it’s simplicity, Kennedy’s version is saddled with a oversized comedy chin and crappy plastic orange wig that looks like it’s from a live action Dragon Ball Z.

Honestly I can’t recommend you track it down and watch it, and would suggest that you watch the original instead (or the Looney Tunes classic One Froggy Evening which would basically save you nearly an hour and a half of you're life), but if you do find yourself watching this movie for some reason, then just take it for what it is. It may be pretty badly acted, and Jamie Kennedy may not be a patch on Jim Carrey, but it’ll probably be enough to keep the kids quiet on a rainy Sunday. Whilst this may not be a great movie, it’s the first comedy we’ve watched on this list that I’ve genuinely laughed at, and for that reason I don’t think it deserves to be this low down, if it deserves to be on the list at all.

#60 Son of the Mask (2005) (Colin)

It's now time to hand you over to our Bad Movies Score Center:

Highlander 2 Superman 4

Speed 2 Jaws 4

Troll 2 Leonard Part 6

Only joking, these movies are off course sequels, (except Leonard, which thankfully only has the 1 film) and they have all appeared on our 100 Bad Movies list so far. This was just a humorous, (or at least an attempt at humour), way of me saying it is not unusual for sequels to appear on our list. This is why, when I saw that the next movie on our list was a sequel, I was not in the least bit surprised.

Our next movie is the follow up to the 1994 comedy hit, The Mask, which was both financially and critically successful. Because of this a follow up always seemed likely, however, there was one small problem.  The main star behind The Mask, Jim Carrey, declined to reprise his role of Stanley Ipkiss. Wikipedia explains that this is due to Carrey's experiences of the sequel to Ace Ventura, in which he struggled to regain the enthusiasm and challenges of playing a character he had already played before. This is, off course, understandable and I really wish Sandra Bullock had had the same feeling before agreeing to reprise her role of Annie Porter in Speed 2!

Therefore our next movie, Son of the Mask, is a sequel without the main character from the original. Did this make the movie any less enjoyable? We pressed play and found out for you.......

We start with the only character from The Mask to appear in Son of the Mask, Dr. Arthur Neuman, (Ben Stein), who is lecturing on Norse Mythology in Edge City Museum.  Proudly on display is the mask, which Neuman explains, belonged to a mischievous, practical joke loving God called Loki, (Alan Cumming). Loki had sent this mask to earth and whoever wears the mask, takes on the powers of Loki. If you haven't seen the original movie, then what this means is that the wearer will turn green, have odd superpowers and will act like a tit.

Neuman is interrupted by Loki himself, who, it appears, would quite like his mask back, (presumably because Carrey no longer needs it). He breaks into the glass display and finds out that the mask is a fake. A bit miffed he storms out, vowing to find his original mask. But where can it be?

We don't have to wait too long to find out, as in the next scene, a dog picks it up out of a stream and takes it back to his house, (well his owner's house, the dog doesn't own a house, that would be silly....... He owns a bedsit).  The dog, we learn, is called Otis and belongs to failed cartoonist, Tim Avery, (Jamie Kennedy) and his wife Tonya, (Traylor Howard). Tim does not think too much about the mask, until he finds it inside his car on the way to his work's Halloween party. Despite the fact that Tim's face really does not need a Halloween mask, Tim feels he should make the effort and so puts on the mask.

This transforms Tim into a character who is not unlike the Mask character from the original movie. Cue lots of cartoon slapstick humour, fast talking one liners and a very long, but amusing rendition of 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You'. Tim becomes the highlight of an otherwise very dull party and Tim's boss, Daniel Moss, (Steven Wright), is so impressed with his antics, that he believes Tim's character could make for a successful new cartoon.

After the party, Tim feels a bit amorous and, still wearing the mask, makes sweet smokin' love to Tonya. This results in Tonya falling pregnant and giving birth to a boy called Alvey. Alvey possesses the powers of Loki, (having silly hair, wearing a long black leather coat and unsuccessfully hiding his Scottish accent for 90 mins), which means he is a practical joker, like Loki and hits upon the 'funny' idea of sending Tim bonkers do-lally so he has to be shipped off to the nut farm.

Alvey sets to work on his plan by starting to sing and dance like the frog from the classic Warner Bros. cartoon, 'One Froggy Evening'. This off course puts Tim on edge as it's not every day your baby starts singing Tin Pan Alley.  A frightened Tim runs to his neighbours house with the singing baby in his arms.  However, as the neighbour opens the door, Alvey, just like the frog in 'One Froggy Evening', immediately stops singing now that he has an audience.

Meanwhile Loki has learned from his father, Odin, (Bob Hoskins), that a baby has been born from the mask and so has started tracking down all of the new-borns in order to find him. After several failed attempts he finally knocks on Tim's door.

A very tired and confused Tim opens the door. (Tim's look is because as well as Alvey driving him potty, Otis the dog, having put on the mask, has also taken on a slapstick persona and the 2 have been doing cartoon battle around the house). Loki walks in and despite the fact that there are several Otis and Alvey shaped holes around the house, thinks nothing is wrong and leaves. It is only when Tim then puts Alvey in the car to take him to the doctor and Alvey starts to puke fluorescent green sick, that the penny drops and Loki realises he has found the right baby.

What follows is some good old fashioned cartoon violence as Loki attempts to get the mask back from Tim, but Tim puts the mask on to fight Loki. The 2 fight in ever more elaborate and comical ways until eventually they realise they are evenly matched and it's a stalemate.

The final battle is not a physical fight but a psychological one as Loki, who has grown fond of the wee chip of the old block, wants the baby.  Alvey is put in the middle of the 2 and Loki produces lots of big fun looking toys out of thin air to try to tempt him. Alvey moves towards Loki but, when Tim removes the mask to show his true form, Alvey immediately moves to Tim and hugs him.

Odin then appears and furious with Loki for failing to get the mask back, threatens to dis-own him. Tim steps in, realising that his son is the most precious gift he could have and tells Odin that he should remember that about his own offspring. Odin agrees, embraces Loki and Tim gives them the Mask.

The film ends with Tim using the antics of Alvey and Otis as material for the cartoon his boss has just commissioned and Tonya announcing she is pregnant again. Oh oh! I smell a sequel!

Now this is normally the part of the blog in which I would normally slag off the movie whilst chucking in a few fart gags. Unfortunately, however, I have an issue with this movie. I quite liked it.

Jamie Kennedy is no Jim Carrey, an obvious statement but one I need to mention immediately. He doesn’t have the facial expression range of Carrey, the comic timing or the screen presence. But that is not an issue as Kennedy does a more than adequate job of bringing a new character to the movie. Had he just played a watered down version of Stanley Ipkiss, I’m sure everyone would be screaming, ‘Oh he’s just trying to be Carrey’ and frankly if you keep comparing this movie to the original, then you are never going to be happy!

You could argue that Kennedy’s mask character is almost identical to Carrey’s and that would be true to an extent. The issue is that off course the mask character should be the same as the wearer takes on the powers of Loki. If this worries people, then perhaps it’s time they started drinking chamomile tea or going to yoga classes.

In fact, Kennedy’s mask and the CGI used for his cartoon-esque ‘props’ is very good, however, when it comes to the CGI they use occasionally for Alvey, it is a different story.

For Alvey, they mix scenes of a real baby playing Alvey with scenes of a CGI version, (presumably because it is quite tricky to teach a baby to sing and dance Tin Pan Alley?). Unfortunately when the CGI is used, Alvey just looks scary and it really obvious that the technology they use is not quite up to the job. His facial expressions are weird, the eyes are glazed and the only saving grace is that Alvey is not the worst CGI character I ever seen, (that accolade, off course, belongs to Jar Jar bloody Binks!).

But this is really my only gripe with the movie, otherwise I think this is actually a fairly funny family film. So I can confirm this will mean far fewer fart gags in this blog, but hey, I’m sure they’ll be far more movies on our list in which I can talk about bottie bugles, trouser trumpets and stepping on ducks.

In the meantime I am going to have to be semi, (tee-hee, semi), serious and say that the visual gags are quite funny, especially when Alvey and Otis are having their mask induced cartoon fights. I like other gags such as Loki informing Tim that it’s now time to do it ‘The Hard Way’and on cue, produces a large suitcase with ‘The Hard Way’ written on it from which he produces a ludicrously big weapon, (ooer! 2 innuendo gags in one paragraph, maybe the smut content of this blog will be around average after all!).

OK guys, this is not The Mask and is not as funny as The Mask, but as its own movie, it’s actually not that bad. In actual fact, it feels more like a ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’ movie as there seems to be far more cartoon violence based humour. And that, is not a bad thing.

I think the reason this movie appears on our list is because a whole bunch of Jim Carrey fans bitched and moaned when he refused to do the sequel and so went along to showings of Son of the Mask just so they could carp on about how 'not as good as the original it was' on social media and various blogs.

All I can say is ‘get over it guys!’ If you are a Carrey fan and cannot separate the original movie from this sequel, then don’t bother putting yourself through it and making yourself miserable for 90 mins. However, if you are willing to put the original to the back of your mind and to treat this as a standalone version, then you’ll be pleasantly surprised and will probably have some chuckles along the way.

So, one froggy evening, why not don your top hat and cane, sing ‘hello my baby’ at the top of your voice and settle down to enjoy this decent family movie.

#61 Santa With Muscles (Wes)

Santa With Muscles

Well last time around I was rueing the fact of the poor timing of this list and having to watch a movie called Santa Claus in the summer, well sometimes life is far from wonderful and is just plain rubbish. Sometimes life decides that your suffering isn’t quite enough and it makes you watch two Christmas movies in a row in the middle of summer. Sometimes one of those movies stars Hulk Hogan. Sometimes I hate this bloody list!

The evil scientist Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr) is trying to forcefully buy all the buildings in a neighbourhood, including the local orphanage, as he wants some magical crystals that are in a cave underneath them. Whilst all looks lost for the orphans the evil (well just a bit psychotic really) millionaire Blake Thorn (Hulk Hogan) loses his memory whilst wearing a Santa costume (he’s hiding from the police after a paintball incident). Naturally he assumes he’s the real Santa Claus, and with the help of Lenny (Don Stark), an elf who knows his real identity, but is trying to stop him finding out (out of greed), he sets out to defeat the evil Frost and save Christmas.

Like the little girl at the start of this movie I think there’s only one way to address this movie and that’s with a plea to Santa to stop anything like this ever happening again. So here we go…

Dear Santa.

How are you? I’m not doing so well. There’s this really, really bad movie named Santa With Muscles that we had to watch, and I need your help. I know I stopped believing in you over thirty years ago, but I don’t know who else to turn to. I’ve been really good I swear and I’m only asking for your assistance as something really ought to be done and since I’ve seen you beat both The Martians and The Devil you seem to be pretty good at sorting out the worlds problems. See the thing is, I think that so many of these movies that are released around Christmas seem to be missing the point of celebrating your birthday and something needs to be done about this.

  

In the latest one I had to watch you was being portrayed by the wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, and whilst he may have been a sensation in the wrestling ring, on film he just doesn’t do anyone any favours. Now I’m sure you’ll agree that his cameo in Gremlins 2: The New Batch was fun, but didn’t anyone learn from Suburban Commando or Mr Nanny, that he really doesn’t have the acting ability to pull off a lead role? Even worse, the charisma that made him such a popular wrestler just gets completely lost when he’s out of the ring.

To make it worse in this movie he then seems to be doing a bad Snagglepuss impersonation whenever he speaks. I think it’s supposed to make him sound posh, but it just makes him sound like he learned how to speak by watching Burt Ward in Batman. I think that maybe the makers of this film thought that would be funny, having Hulk Hogan speak like one of those wholesome teens from the sixties, but Santa, it’s just not. It’s awful. These things are being done in your name, is there nothing you can do to stop them?

  

As you’d expect with Hogan in a movie, there’s a lot of cartoonish violence. Now Santa, you know how I like a bit of slapstick violence in a movie. I grew up on Looney Tunes and Tom and Jerry cartoons, I can overlook the awful performance of Macaulay Caulkin in Home Alone for the brilliant traps the two burglars get caught up in, hell, I even think that Guest House Paradiso was pretty funny. But even I have limits. From the first scene where Blake’s staff are trying to beat him up in a Cato style way (if you don't know who that is, then once you've finished reading this I thoroughly recommend you watch the original Pink Panther movies (he was introduced in A Shot in the Dark), The Pink Panther Strikes Again having my favourite Clouseau vs Cato fight), to the god awful way that Blake stops two petty thugs in the mall, to Blake stopping a speeding truck by grabbing a chain it’s all just a bit embarrassing. This movie is no Jingle All the Way…

To make matters worse he’s teamed up with Don Stark being so weasely, that he’s stoat-ally annoying (sorry Santa, that was bad), and three children (Can you really have an orphanage with only three kids? Surely they’d have been transferred to other orphanages if everyone else had been adopted?) who could have only been more irritating if Jake Lloyd had played all three in the style of Peter Sellers in Dr Strangelove. To make matters worse, Hogan even attempts to sing with one of them at one point. The results truly aren’t pretty, as both Hogan and the girl (Aria Noelle Curzon) have more trouble holding a tune than Edward Norton had holding the soap in American History X.

  

But Santa, after everything I’ve said, I think there’s something that that movie misses more than anything I’ve ever seen in a Christmas movie. It’s just doesn’t feel Christmassy in the slightest. You can’t even blame where it’s set, as both Lethal Weapon and Die Hard were set in California and had a conspicuous absence of snow, but they both managed to convey something of the Christmas spirit into them. Of course there’s one major difference between those films and this one, and that’s that they were aimed at adults. Santa With Muscles is a family movie, so I will ask the important question… Where’s the snow?

This is a ridiculous movie Santa, with terrible acting, a script so bad that it was possibly found in a Christmas cracker, and even less Christmas spirit than Jaws: The Revenge. It’s so bad that even a young Mila Kunis in her first Hollywood film role looks embarrassed to be in this. So Santa, if you could find a way to delete this movie from the world that would be all I want for Christmas. If you can’t, then I’ll settle for some Weebles and an Eagle Eyes Action Man.

Love Wes, age 37 and 1/4

#61 Santa With Muscles (1996) (Colin)

Well I tell you somethin’ mean Gene, I am a massive Pro Wrestling fan brother so when I found out our next movie starred a wrestling legend, I was pumped!

Since the 80’s I have followed the spandex adventures of those larger than life characters in WWE, (formerly WWF), and more recently TNA and RoH.  Last weekend I even went to see a small British wrestling company called Wrestleforce and it was fantastic, really good entertainment.  So it’s fair to say I’m a bit of a fan, (and how I ever got a wife, I’ll never know!).

So as you can imagine, when I learned that our next movie involved a wrestling legend, I got a bit excited!

The 80’s were the heyday of professional wrestling, (the attitude era of the 90’s took it to the next level, but in terms of game changing, it was undoubtably the stars of the 80’s who brought pro-wrestling to the masses).

Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels all became household names, but none more so that the one and only, the immortal, Hulk Hogan.

Admittedly, recently he has become a bit of an arse and has nearly destroyed my favourite promotions, TNA, but, there is no doubt that this man changed the face of pro-wrestling and without him, there would have been no TNA in the first place, or RoH, heck, even WWE may have continued to be a struggling indy company trying to break into the mainstream.

So, drink you milk, take your vitamins and say your prayers Santamaniacs because whacha gonna do, when awful acting in a bad Christmas movie comes for you?

 #61 Santa With Muscles

Arrogant Blake Thorne, (Hulk Hogan), is a self-made millionaire who has made his fortune from health supplements.  One day, whilst driving like a loon on his way to a penis sizing contest, (aka paintballing), the local cops start chasing him and he is forced to abandon his dick swinging competition and to find refuse in the local mall.  In the mall he falls over and bangs his head, suffering amnesia, (I tried to replicate this several times during the movie, but unfortunately did not succeed).

When he awakes he see mall elf, Lenny, (Don Stark), who for a bit of a giggle tells Blake that he is Santa Claus.  Blake falls for it, (obviously common sense wasn’t knocked into him), and he starts ho ho hoing before you know it and does a shift in the mall’s grotto.  Hilarity ensues when two nasty robbers try to steal the orphanage money from the mall and ‘Santa’ duffs them up proper good.  I say hilarity, I mean mind numbing boredom.

‘Santa’ decides to take the money to the orphanage where he meets the staff and kids and forms a friendship.  He soon learns from them that all is not well and that an evil man called Ebner Frost, (Ed Begley Jr.), who has been buying property around town, now plans to get hold of the orphanage.

So why is Frost doing this?  Redevelopment?  A new mall? A luxury housing complex? Nope, it’s because there are some magical crystals underneath the orphanage which he would rather like, (OMG, kill me now).

Frost isn’t working alone though, no siree, he has 3 henchmen, each more dull and uninteresting as the last.  A bloke who likes the smell of methane, some S&M lady who has 9 volts of power emitting from her hands and an English doctor who has a stethoscope.

The movie then turns into a very dull slapstick with ‘Santa’ trying to stop Frost from succeeding.

Eventually ‘Santa’ regains his memory and Thorne realises that he should be a better man and decides rather than go back to his arrogant ways, he should carry on helping the orphanage to defeat Frost.

We also discover that Thorne was actually an orphan himself, but had just clean forgot and we also learn, (and I hope you are sitting down for this earth shattering discovery), that Frost was at the same orphanage as Thorne, but he had also forgotten that.  I’m sure you’ll agree that for excitement, this movie really stops (and begins) at nothing.

And so a final showdown ensues under the orphanage and Frost manages to open the door into the world of magical crystals, but don’t worry, Thorne saves the day although I must admit I forget how and quite frankly, I can not be bothered to revisit it to find out how!  The End and Happy Christmas one and all.

The first thing that strikes me about this movie is that for a Christmas movie, it doesn’t feel at all Christmassy.  This is probably because throughout the entire movie they are basking in 90 degrees of Californian sunshine.  No snow, no roaring fire, no family arguing over watching the Queen’s speech or the Bond movie.

Miracle on 34^th Street?  Miracle this movie was ever released!

Then there’s Hogan’s acting, which if you have seen Suburban Commando or Mr. Nanny, you will know there is no risk of an golden statuette adorning his mantelpiece.  However, in Santa with Muscles Hogan’s acting has reached a new depth of bad and this time I am more annoyed about it than his other movie outings.

In 1996, Hogan, who was with WCW at the time, stunned wrestling fans by doing the unthinkable and turning heel, (for non-wrestling fans, essentially this just means he went from being a ‘goodie’ to being a ‘baddie’) .  The vitamin popping, prayer saying, God bless America goody two-shoes Hogan was gone and in his place Hollywood Hogan was born.

Hollywood Hogan went on to lead probably the most successful heel stable of all time, the New World Order, (nWo) and as the bad guy, I have to admit, he was brilliant.  Hollywood Hogan was nasty, scheming and greedy and Hogan pulled off the persona fantastically well.

So why the brief wrestling history lesson?  Well, the character of Blake Thornton is also supposed to be nasty, scheming and greedy but for some reason Hogan plays him as a non-entity who is as camp as a row of tents.  There’s no mean streak, no dark side and no attempt at playing a baddie.  And that is what infuriates me, because Hogan can play this character, Hogan can be the bad guy but for some reason he just plays a dumbed down mild mannered version of his original whiter than white Hulk Hogan character in WWE!

I don’t know whose fault this is, whether it’s the studio who wanted Hogan to be family friendly but not as loud and brash as his wrestling character or if it was a conscious attempt by Hogan to prove that he can play multiple roles, (he can’t).  The fact of the matter is Hogan can only play 2 characters and both of these characters would have been ideal for this movie.

Hollywood Hogan – could have played Blake Thorne

Hulk Hogan – Santa and the later ‘nicer’ Blake Thorne

So to me there is no excuse for the poor acting, as for once, Hogan was capable of playing the roles.

Finally there is the comedy, or rather should I say, complete lack of it.  The slapstick is not funny, the gags are lame and the only thing I found funny thoroughout the 90 minutes was Hogan’s poorly fitting wig.  The rest is forgettable and even a henchman who is obsessed with fart smells missed the mark.   This shows how poor the comedy is when even fart gags fail to make me laugh.

Santa with Muscles is billed as a Christmas comedy movie.  In theory it only needed 2 things; to be Christmassy and to be funny and it failed miserably on both fronts. 

It’s not unusual for wrestlers to try making a movie career for themselves and also it’s not unusual for them to fall down on their arses!  There’s John Cena’s yawn action thriller, 12 Rounds, Mr Kennedy’s, (AKA Mr Anderson for TNA fans), equally snoozy action thriller, Behind Enemy Lines and Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash and Sid Vicious' terrible and not at all scary zombie romp, River of Darkness.

As I said earlier on, I like Hulk Hogan the wrestler, I really do and it’s fortunate that over time, his movies will be completely forgotten and he will be remembered, quite rightly, for his wrestling achievements.  As for his acting career, it should be put into a no disqualification steel cage match and put out if it’s misery brother!

#62 Santa Claus (Wes)

Santa Claus

This list is so bloody annoying sometimes. Not (just) because of the dross that we have to watch, but because the bloody timing of it is sometimes absolutely dreadful. Here we are, in the middle of summer and we find ourselves watching a Christmas movie again. Unlike Die Hard, Gremlins or even Jaws The Revenge, this isn’t the sort of movie that is watchable at any time of the year, as it’s VERY Christmas orientated. Actually, this wouldn’t be watchable at any time of the year, except maybe on Halloween as we would soon find out…

Santa Claus (Jose Elias Moreno) lives in the heavens, far out in space and yet still above the North Pole somehow. He is joined in his palace with children from all over the world who act as his advisors, and Merlin (Armando Arriola ‘Arriolita’), who seems to be slumming it making sleeping potions in radioactive bowls and flowers that make you disappear. As Christmas approaches, Santa watches several children through a magic telescope, all of whom the devil, Pitch (Jose Luis Aguirre ‘Trotsky’), is trying to make into bad people. When Christmas Eve arrives Santa travels to Earth to defeat Pitch whilst he delivers his presents, but he must get back before dawn otherwise his reindeer will turn to dust. I’m sure that was a tense two minutes as the writers came up with that plot…

There have been plenty of things in kids films and television that really have induced nightmares over the years. The Wheelers in Return to Oz, the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the pink elephant dream sequence in Dumbo, The Witches in The Witches, The Other Mother in Coraline, but this movie wins hands down as the creepiest children’s film I’ve ever watched. If Mr Noseybonk from the kids show Jigsaw had a baby with The Human Centipede, then it would be this movie. This movie is like the result of a Freddie Krueger cheese dream. It’s the Christmas movie that everyone watches in Twin Peaks. Do you understand quite how disturbing this movie is yet?

To pinpoint exactly what makes it so disturbing is hard. There’s the dream that Lupita (Lupita Quezadas) has when Pitch is trying to turn her bad. It features several “dolls” dancing about her. These are people in horrific doll masks that emerge from giant coffin like boxes and whirl around in a dry ice fog. Perhaps it’s the terrible sound-editing that means that the vocal track is often only slightly louder than the Christmas music that plays seemingly throughout the film (the worst bit is when the children load up Santa’s sleigh to a song they sing accompanied by an off-key organ and occasional awful singing from Santa himself). Or there’s the creepy puppet show, Santa’s constant psychotic laughing, the clockwork reindeer with their terrifying eyes and laughter that would make Jason Vorhees hide behind the sofa, and the surveillance system that’s made from giant human body parts. In fact the only thing not disturbing about this film is Pitch, as he’s far too camp to be scary at all.

When this film isn’t busy trying to traumatise you, then it’s often being flat out racist. It starts with a twenty minute segment, that has no link to anything else, where Santa seemingly goes through every nation on Earth introducing the boys and girls from them who sing their “national songs”. Starting with the children from Africa, who are dressed in nothing but loincloths and wear bones in their hair, they play the sort of tune on some hand drums that you’d expect to hear in a 1920’s production of Tarzan. After them we have the Spanish children dressed up in traditional costume, looking like nobody has told them what they’re supposed to be doing. This actually runs through the whole segment. From China, to England (who sing a version of London Bridge is Falling Down that I expect to hear in my nightmares anytime soon), to Japan (who are even more off key than the English) to “The Orient” (seemingly India, not Leyton) and then off around the rest of the globe in way that makes me think that the producers of this movie learnt about different cultures from around the globe by watching a UKIP party political broadcast.

Just to illustrate how random and weird this movie is one last time, there was just one little piece in it that made me question if anyone actually thought about the script at all. I know I often say how bad the scripts are in these movies, but this is just so badly thought out it astounded me. Santa is so determined to make one last delivery before dawn to the poor little Mexican girl Lupita, he risks getting trapped on Earth to make sure she receives her present. Just as he arrives, Lupita’s father returns home, after job hunting... Are we seriously meant to believe that someone has been job hunting in the middle of the night, on Christmas Eve? I'm impressed by his enthusiasm, but seriously? When this movie isn’t disturbing you, or offending you, it’s just downright confusing.

Not only is this film badly written, but it’s also acted by the only Mexican actors to have less facial expressions than Santo (the legendary Mexican wrestling monster fighter). Well Santa has expressions. Sheer terror inducing expressions that make him a scarier Santa than the escaped psychopath from Tales From the Crypt mixed with the Robot Santa from Futurama and Billy Chapman from Silent Night, Deadly Night.

Having said all of this, there’s one thing I haven’t pointed out about this movie yet. It’s dull. It’s disturbing, it’s racist, it’s confusing and weird, but it’s also boring. Nothing really happens in this movie. The plot is so thin that it’s like watching an episode of The Teletubbies that’s been taking crystal meth. I can seriously only recommend this film to people who want to traumatise their children so they grow up hating Christmas, or people who find David Lynch to be a little too mainstream.

#62 Santa Claus (vs The Devil) (1959) (Colin)

It’s the middle of summer, it’s blooming hot and there are many things I do not want to do. Go to work, do anything physical and watch a movie set on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately our list had other ideas and our next movie is the rather out of place, Santa Claus, (vs. The Devil)!

Now there are many movies about Santa Claus, indeed we have already had one on our list, (Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, an odd but enjoyable ‘B’ movie. If you would like to check out my review, click here), but this is one I had not heard off. A quick Wikipedia read later and I can tell you that this version was made in 1959, is Mexican and featured on MST3K.

Regular readers will know MST3K is one of my favourite TV shows and a major influence for this blog. I have not seen the MST3K version yet, but this has at least, given me hope. If this movie does suck, at least I have the MST3K version to watch afterwards to cheer me up!

Anyway, onto our seasonal movie, Santa Claus (vs. The Devil) (1959)

Santa Claus, (Jose Elias Moreno), for some reason, now resides in a giant castle in Heaven. He is sat playing his organ, (ooer missus), whilst his children slaves helpers are busy getting ready for Santa’s Christmas Eve deliveries. The children represent all of the nations of earth and are introduced one by one in what feels like a 20 minute Bernard Manning gag as racial stereotype after racial stereotype are introduced..

Meanwhile in Hell, Lucifer has instructed one of his best demons, Pitch, (Jose Luis Aguirre ‘Trotsky’), to go to earth and make all of the children hate Santa. I did not realise Santa and Lucifer were natural enemies, but it turns out Lucifer did not get the PS4 he wanted last year and received a Wii U instead.

In Mexico City Pitch finds potential children whom he can turn against Santa.

There’s a little girl called Lupita, (Lupita Quezadas), who desperately wants a doll for Christmas, but her family are very poor and can’t afford it. And there are also 3 mischievous brothers.

After failing to convince Lupita to steal a doll from a shop, Pitch manages to convince the brothers to smash a shop window. Pitch has found the children he knows he can turn against Santa and hatches a plan to use the 3 brothers to steal Santa’s sleigh and toys....

Santa’s helpers alert Santa as to what is going back on Earth. Santa decides to spy on the children and when he finds the 3 brothers writing a letter lying about how good they have been, he booms at them that he can see everything and that they are getting sweet FA.

With the brother’s firmly told, Santa finalises his plans to leave for earth to deliver the presents. He visits best friend and magician, Paul Daniels, Merlin, who gives him a sleep powder which knocks children out and a flower which can make him invisible, (erm, is anyone else feeling this is getting just a little bit creepy now?). He also gets a magic key from Vulcan, (not Mr. Spock unfortunately), which can open any door on earth.

Santa’s helpers have finished loading up the sleigh with presents. Santa then winds up his reindeer, (literally with a key wind, not by telling them they are all shit and a trained elk could do all of their jobs), and sets of for earth.

After several failed attempt by Pitch to foil Santa’s deliveries, which includes blowing a knob until it is red hot, (A door knob, that is, honestly you lot have mucky minds), Santa’s makes his way to the 3 brothers.

The brothers are lying in wait to capture Santa and all the presents, but, when a large firework thing descends from the sky, they get a bit scared and rush back to their bedrooms. They then discover that Santa has already been, (the old firework distraction switcheroo trick, how many more times will people be fooled by this), and that they have been given lumps of coal for being so bad this year.

Pitch seeks revenge and slashes the bottom of Santa’s bag causing the sleeping powder and flower to fall out. 

Santa encounter’s a large dog at his next stop and realises both powder and flower are missing and so has to climb a tree rather quickly. Trapped by the dog, Pitch starts waking the neighbours and calls the fire brigade so that they all find Santa in this embarrassing situation and thereby humiliating him.

All looks bad for Santa, but he finally manages to summon Merlin, who manages to magic Santa out of the tree. The fire brigade turn up and hose Pitch with water. This causes him to smoke, (literally, he doesn’t light up a fag), and run off.

Victorious, Santa leaves a doll for Lupita and heads for home. Ho ho ho, everyone, Merry Christmas!

If I has to sum up this movie in one word it would be 'creepy'. It really is the scariest, weirdest and most unsettling story of Santa I have ever seen.

For starters there's Santa's special spying equipment, (and the fact that Santa is spying on children is creepy enough), which includes a telescope with an eye which comes out on stalks, a computer with huge lips which moves as the children speak and a colander with a severed ear stapled to it which Santa uses to eavesdrop.

I appreciate that in some more modern kids TV shows, such as Teletubbies, there has been a touch or surrealism mixed with some unsettling images, (the severed babies head in the sun haunts me to this day), but some of the imagery used in this movie must have sent children into a shaking mess.

There's one paricular scene in which Lupita is dreaming of life size dolls and these dolls are the most sinister things I have ever seen. They perform some sort of dance around Lupita and it looks like they have her surrounded and are about to feed them to their goat god. It's really disturbing and makes the final scenes in The Wicker Man look like a cotton wool hutch of baby bunnies.

Santa's reindeer are also scary and look like zombie reindeer. In fact they could even be vampire reindeer as one of Santa's helpers informs us that they turn to ash if they are in direct sunlight! Although this is very confusing as we learn quite soon afterwards that they are in fact clockwork reindeer. Indeed, confusion is one common theme throughout this movie.

For starters, why is Santa living in Heaven? Again, this is just creepy to me as it would suggest that Santa has shuffled off this mortal coil and his ghost is coming back to earth once a year to break into your house, eat your food and drink your drink. Whilst this sounds a lot cooler that the more traditional views, it's a bit weird to say the least.

And why is his natural enemy Lucifer? I've seen what Christmas does to most rational human beings and it turns them into greedy, rude and arrogant idiots once they hit the mall. Suicide rates are at their highest, people are depressed and office workers, who don't drink all year, photocopy their arses and act like complete cretins down their local after downing half a pint of lager shandy. All this misery and selfish indulgence must make this Lucifers most successful time of the year and he really should be buying Santa some aftershave and socks as a massive thank you.

There's other things which confuse me like 'since when was Santa's best mate Merlin'? 'Why does he do his weight loss program the day before Christmas Eve when he has had the rest of the year to do it' and 'why on earth does he keep going down the chimneys, when Vulcan gave him a magic key which can open any door on earth'? It is a mystery, although one of the biggest mysteries is how on earth this is a 94 minutes movie.

There really is very little to no story here. Quite simply, some kids are tempted into being bad by Pitch, Pitch fails, Santa delivers presents and wins the day, The End. A lot of the movie is just padded out with unnecessarily long scenes.

One such scene is the dancing lifesize dolls I have briefly mentioned, this scene goes on for ages which just cranks up the creep factor. Another scene sees Lupitas mum go on and on and on about how poor they are, how they could pray and how she really hopes Santa will bring Lupita the doll. It goes on for so long you feel like buying a doll, building a time machine and giving it to them in person just to stop the whinging.

But the biggest filler of the movie occurs at the beginning of the movie.  This is when Santa is sat playing his organ, (ooer again) and each group of children who represent each nation appears on screen one by boring one.  It seems like we are introduced to all 196 countries in the world, each singing a song in their own language.  This pads the first scene out to around 10 minutes and is really unnecessary and tedious.

What makes this scene even worse is that each nation is dressed in outrageously racial stereotypical outfits and each group of children looks miserable and as if they have been forced to wear these outdated costumes.  It just adds to the sense of creepiness and this should have ended up on the cutting room floor along with around 70% of the movie.

In summary, the problem with this movie is; it’s not festive, it’s disturbing.  Santa is creepy and every child in every scene looks like they are about to burst into tears.  The story is dull and no amount of padding can hide the fact there is no substance to this movie.  The only thing that reminds me that this is the Christmas movie is Santa and the continuous playing of Silent Night and Jingle Bells in the background, (sped up or slowed down to reflect the mood of the scene.  Not only is this lazy, but just adds to the creepiness).

My overall view of this movie is one of confusion.  For a movie which is supposed to be about Christmas, there is a lot of darkness, depression  and very little or no joy……. Actually, now I come to think of it, it’s a lot like Christmas!  In that case well done Santa Claus vs The Devil!.

#63 Pumaman (L’uomo puma) (Wes)

Pumaman (L’uomo puma)

A few films back we failed to find a proper version of the movie Time Chasers, so we resorted to watching the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version of the movie. For Pumaman we didn’t have that problem (it was easily found on YouTube), but we had a related issue. Years ago, whilst Colin and I used to calm our Sunday hangovers with MST3K, we saw their version of Pumaman. On that fateful afternoon it was recorded onto VHS for some reason and soon it became our most watched episode of that show. So much so that we know many of the gags off by heart, which now makes reviewing this movie particularly hard. So if this has a little of a more serious tone than usual (or if I do have to mention a few of the things brought up by Mike and the robots), then I can only apologise.

For some reason, back in Aztec times, an alien left a golden mask that can be used to control minds, on Earth. In the present day (well 1980), the mask falls into the hands of the evil Dr Kobras (Donald Pleasence - Or Pleasance according to the credits. That's right. a film so incompetent that they can't even get the name of the actors right), who wants to use the mask to control the minds of all the worlds leaders. He starts by controlling the woman who was studying the mask for him, Jane Dobson (Synde Rome). He then sets out to discover who has the powers of the Pumaman, the protectorate of the mask. He does this by having his henchman throw random Americans from tall buildings, as only Pumaman would be able to survive this (I’m not sure what this is meant to achieve either). But Kobras isn’t the only person looking for the Pumaman. Aztec priest, Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes) is also looking for him, using the same extreme methods. When he throws American professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) from a window he sees that he has those powers, and finally persuades Tony to put on a belt that gives him the full range of powers available to Pumaman. It then falls to Pumaman to defeat Kobras, rescue Jane from his grip and ensure the mask is once again hidden away from those who would misuse it.

This movie does nothing but raise questions. Mainly along the lines of “What were the writers of this on and where can I get some?”. There have been some questionable plotlines in the movies we’ve watched so far, but throwing someone out of a window to see if they have superpowers is amongst the top of the list of them. Firstly, if you’re the villians of the film, surely if you do discover the hero this way they are now at the bottom of a tall building, whilst you’re at the top AND you’ve just made a superpowered enemy. Secondly, if you’re the potential mentor of the hero, and it turns out that you knew their father, who happened to be the previous Pumaman, which as it turns out is something that passes down the family in succession and you are aware of this, then throwing the next Pumaman from a building can only make your job more difficult and cause severe trust issues…

And then there are Pumaman’s powers. He has cat-like agility, excellent night vision and super strength, that allow him to use his hands like claws, which all pretty much make sense. But then he also has the ability to fly. Now I may have only seen a puma in a zoo before, and I’m by no means a specialist in puma behaviour in the wild, but I’m pretty sure that puma’s are not reknowned for their flying abilities. I’ve watched countless nature programmes in my life, but not once has David Attenborough ever narrated over the images of one of these majestic big cats swooping over plains of South America as it hunts for bats and eagles. Nor have I ever seen one teleport, or walk through walls, which is another inexplicable power of the puma. Basically I think the writers may have been Superman fans, and like his writers, just added new and unexplained powers in when they were stuck or too lazy to come up with a way for Pumaman to escape his current predicament.

The last question is something that still bugs me, and it revolves around the core point of the film. Pumaman was created as a protector for the mask that the aliens left on Earth for some reason. A mask that has the power to enslave the world’s population and seemingly has no other powers or reason to exist. So the question is this… Why leave the damn mask on Earth in the first place? Surely if they just wanted to get rid of it they could have launched it into the sun, or dropped it into an ocean, or left it on an uninhabited planet?

However it wasn’t just the writers that made questionable choices concerning this movie, the wardrobe department were just as guilty. According to them putting Donald Pleasence into a badly fitted latex bodysuit (well I say latex, but it actually looks like it’s made out of heavy duty bin liners) makes him look suitably villainous. Really it just looks like he’s a retired civil servant on his way to a BDSM fetish party after he’s accidentally ordered the wrong size gimp suit. Even when he’s not dressed in this ridiculous get up, he still looks like he’s employed Stevie Wonder as his stylist.

As for Pumaman, he has possibly the worst superhero suit I’ve ever seen. A brown sweatshirt with an Aztec design, tan coloured trousers, brown shoes and an orange cape. Of course we shouldn’t forget the belt that magically gives him not only his powers, but this costume too. That looks like a homemade, child’s wrestling belt. Are we really meant to believe that the role of the Pumaman has passed down through the years, from the 15^th century onwards, whilst they all wore this costume? Did tan slacks really strike the fear of the gods into the ancient Aztecs?

The acting is exactly as you’d expect for a movie like this, with not even Pleasence able to rescue it despite a suitably camp performance. He was of course quite adept at playing villainous roles, Blofeld in You Only Live Twice being his most memorable for me, so was really in his element hamming it up with this role. I’m still not quite sure why he agreed to be in such an obviously bad movie though. Sure statistically for someone who was in so many movies he’d bound to be in some bad ones, but even just reading the script must gave given some clue as to how bad this movie would turn out.

As for the rest of the cast, well, I’m not sure that anybody told Rome that she wasn’t a mind-controlled zombie throughout the whole film, and that she was allowed to express some real human emotions. Fuentes suffers from a similar lack of any emotions. So much so that he could pass as a traffic warden if he was to put on the correct uniform. As for Alton, he makes the least convincing superhero since Bella Emberg as Blunder-Woman in The Russ Abbott Show

Strangely this isn’t the worst superhero film I’ve ever seen, but I’ll say more about that at a later date. For now I’ll recommend that you should watch this movie, but only the MST3K version (which can be found here) as it’s truly one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Altogether now… Pumaman, he flies like a moron!