Starring: Vladimir Maksic, Ulli Lommel, Todd Jensen, Peter Beckman
Directed by: Ulli Lommel
Genre: Crime
The next movie on our list is Zodiac Killer (2005) and is directed by a man called Ulli Lommel who will because very familiar as he has 3 movies in total on our list! I do not know much about him other than he directed a movie in 1980 called The Boogeyman, which I have not seen, but I believe was rather good and has a bit of a cult following.
Sounds like a promising start then and the added bonus is that Lommel has had a further 25 years to hone in his craft. Top stuff. The 3 movies on our list, must just be a silly oversight. Or was it?
Just as a bit of background, The Zodiac Killer was a real life serial killer in the US around the 1960's and 1970's. He was never caught and his identity was never known. This movie has absolutely nothing to do with this....well sort of....
The movie starts of with the most pretentious piece of nonsense I have ever witnessed. A disclaimer informing us that 'being killed is neither fun, pretty or romantic...'. I mean, no shit! Well thanks for clearing that one up Lommel. He then goes on to inform us ducks like water, the Pope is catholic and that bears do their number 2s in wooded areas. Prat!
Anyhoo, we jump straight to the 'action' as Michael Cosnick, (Vladimir Maksic), who works in a nursing home, overhears a plot to murder one of the residents. He decides this is not on and tracks down the would be assassin to his house and shoots him dead.
In the morning Michael wakes to hear of news of his killing and that the police are liking it to the Zodiac serial killer, (really? After one murder?). The news announcer goes on to say if you wish to know more about the Zodiac Killer, then to read a book by Simon Vale, (Ulli Lommel). Cosnick promptly goes out in search of the book.
Upon reading the book, he reaches out to Vale and after exchanging a few emails, Cosnick discovers he has the same personality disorder as the original Zodiac Killer, (DSM4). Inspired, Cosnick decides to copy Zodiac and to kill again and again.
Meanwhile, a mysterious group of serial killers meet in secret to discuss their latest murders. Wearing black hoods to hide their identity, Cosnick's killings have caught their attention. They all agree that there is nothing more wretched than a copycat serial killer and something needs to be done.
Will Cosnick's killing spree be allowed to continue? Will we learn the true identity of The Zodiac Killer? Will Lommel hire any actors to take part in this movie? Watch Ulli Lommel's Zodiac Killer to find out, (but really, don't. I beg you, it's absolute hog wash!).
A movie about a serial killer which includes some pretty gruesome photos of actual killings, should be exciting, tense, edge of your seat stuff. This movie is none of those things. It's as dull as beige and plods along at such a slow pace that I honestly thought I was looking at a photo rather than a movie. The 1hr 23mins run time feels like so much more and if you feel that life is passing by too fast, then just watch this movie ad nauseam. You'll be begging for a decent serial killer to show up and give you mercy.
There's no real story here apart from bloke kills some people. The killings themselves are not really shown which means there is no real shock factor or wow moments. I'm not for violence or gore just for the sake of it, but hell, this is supposed to be about a serial killer and watching bad actors chomping down on blood packs and wearing raspberry coulis hardly heightens the atmosphere. The scariest part of this movie is actually Maksic's hair cut. But hey it's nice of his mum to do his hair and it's lucky they have a bowl that fits his stupid head.
The acting from everyone is stupendously bad, I mean really truly awful bad. Think of amateur dramatic actors. Now think of their understudies. Now imagine those understudies practising their lines by asking their partners or friends to read the script with them. Those partners and friends, who very reluctantly read out the lines with no emotion and just want to get it over with as quickly as possible, are a million times better than the absolute dog mess of a cast which Lommel has used.
Then there is the filming itself. It appears to have been shot from a camera phone which has been dropped down the bog and then peed on. It's incredibly poor quality and jerky as if Lommel's camera guys were trampolining or on board a ship at the time of filming.
But above all else, it's stupid. It thinks it's a really clever movie full of arty pieces and profound speeches, but it's not, it's bollocks. Michael's monologues are supposed to be insightful but I've heard more intelligent speeches from The Speaking Clock. The hooded figures are meant to give the movie a sense of mystery, but it doesn't, it just looks like a bunch of idiots who have forgotten to cut out the eye holes out of their masks. The twist isn't clever either and I called it right at the beginning. Heck there are as of yet, unidentified alien species on distant planets who have sussed it straight away.
A dull script, poorly acted and just plain stupid, this movie is one to avoid. It's nowhere near the it's so bad it's good bracket, heck it's not even in the same time zone. This is definitely one movie where our tagline, 'we watch bad movies, so you don't have to', should be heeded. We watched it guys, we took one for the team, never ever even consider watching this steaming pile of rhubarb fertilizer.
2 years after Zodiac Killer, Lommel would go on to make another movie about the Zodiac Killer called Curse of the Zodiac. Did he manage to learn his lessons from the absolute crapfest he offered before? Well judging by the 1.3 IMDb score, (Zodiac Killer gets a 2.8!), absolutely not and I think it's safe to say I would rather smash my face in with an iron and then clean the bloodied mess with a brillo pad than watch another Lommel movie.
What's that? There's still 2 more of his movies on our list? Oh FFS * sits in corner and slowly rocks *
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