Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone (2001) was released in this year and brought the magical world of Hogwarts to the big screen.Yes the acting wasn't great and the script a bit clunky, but you could not help being drawn into the charm of this wondrous adventure of the young wizard and his chums.
Later that years Paul Jackson's The Lord of the Rings trilogy began with The Fellowship of The Ring (2001). A simply epic film, literally, which brought Middle Earth to life in a breathtaking and unforgettable way. A beautifully crafted interpretation of Tolkien's world and one of the best films ever made. Unlike the next film, The Two Towers (2002), which I found very boring and involved a 3 hour annoyingly slow journey by tree! This is off course still quicker than any journey by Greater Anglia trains.
This year also saw the release of another fantasy film, under the franchise of the popular Role Play Game of the same name and at #93 Dungeons and Dragons (2000).
For those who have not met me, I do not have a pasty complexion, I am not covered in spots nor do I smell of industrial strength Clearasil and I have seen a grown woman naked. Therefore it will come as no surprise to you that I don't play Role Play Games or RPG for short. (At this point I've just realised I've slagged off most of my friends / readership. Sorry guys, only joshing!). I have therefore never played Dungeons and Dragons but I am, however, a massive fan of the 1980's cartoon and so know a little about this genre.
For me, the cartoon was fantastic, each week mixing hope and despair, darkness and light heartiness, highs and lows. I loved the characters and hoped each week that Hank, Eric and co would make it back home and felt the disappointment when they invariably didn't. (Well except for Uni. She could have been put into a Tesco burger for all I cared. There is only so much 'cute' raspberry blowing My Little Ponyness I can take!). Therefore a film of the same name has to be good. Hasn't it?
Set in the fantasy empire of Izmer, Dungeons and Dragons is a good old fashioned tale of good vs evil. The mages rule over the non magic 'normal' people, originally to protect them, but over the years the regime has become oppressive. The evil Profion, (Jeremy Irons), wants to maintain a vice like grip over the people but faces resistance from a young Mage, the empress Savina, (Thora Birch). Savina believes the normal people should be equal and so must stop Profion. To defeat him, Savina needs to find the rod of Sarville, a sceptre powerful enough to control red dragons, (who are quite high up in the pecking order apparently). 2 thieves unwittingly get dragged into a quest to find the Rod. And so they go on a journey, pursued by Profion's henchman, Dachmar, (Bruce Payne) who will stop them at any cost.
Now I come to summarise the story, it occurs to me that this sounds like a good plot for a fantasy movie, (Although people in charge abusing their powers and oppressing the people they were supposed to look after? Come on, how far fetched is that. Hang on a sec.....). Indeed the studio exec must have thought, 'I'll swing by that Ferrari dealership on the way home, I think we've got some kerching coming our way '. When he saw the movie he must have felt like he had bought a Kinder egg and inside the yellow casing was not a fun toy to build but some doggy doo. 'Bollocks' he must have thought as he handed the back the keys to the F50.
Let's start with the fantasy world itself. The CGI in this film looks like it was produced on a Commodore Vic 20. Which was broken. The dragons might as well have been newts with wings glued on. The backgrounds have that blue green tinge around the actors, (even the BBC weather forecast has eliminated that!). And it all looks rather cheap, poorly executed and has a 'TV movie' feel to it.
Then there's the cast. Unfortunately the acting powerhouse that is Tom Arnold is not in this movie, but some lesser talented, but well know actors are. Jeremy Irons, for example, is a household name yet his portrayal of the evil Profion would be OK if he didn't ham it up so much. Blimey, there's less ham in a field of pigs with hamsters crammed into the barn in Birmingham. He gurns and over exaggerates every world, slowing down his sentences just to show us how evil he really is and I'm just thinking why? You're an established actor, why are you trying too hard? Profion? Amateurfion more like.
Bruce Payne, (so close to having a cool name, yet so far), who plays his henchman, Dachmar, is no better. He constantly competes with Irons for the most exaggerated face pull award and looks in dire need of a laxative. Also he wears whitish blue lipstick throughout the whole movie and looks like he'd got frostbite. (Which reminds me of an old Mike Read joke. Eskimo takes his car in to be fixed, the mechanic says, 'blown seal?', the Eskimo wipes his mouth and says 'no it's frostbite'). Mr Frostbite is not helped by a poor script. For example in one scene he tries to sound menacing but says, 'you cannot be serious' McEnroe style! I missed a good 10 minutes of the film as I struggled to see through my tears of laughter.
But the crowning turd of bad acting ville is Marlon Wayans, who plays Snails and is the sidekick to our 'hero' Ridley Freeborn (Justin Whalin). I've spoken a couple of times about racial stereotypes in previous blogs and our old friend, Wayans, is at it again. This time he plays a stereotypical black shouty stoner dude, whose not very bright. Cue lots of hand gestures, strutting and y'all type speak. Seriously even if this film was meant to be set thousands of years ago, this character would still seem outdated.
A scene which is supposed to be moving and heart wrenching involves Mr Frostbite killing Snails, (I really wished they'd picked a different name), as Freeborn helplessly looks on. Unfortunately Snails' character is so one dimensional and plain annoying, that I actually whooped, did my bestest dance ever and high fived the cat when he met his death. I then thanked the movie for sparing me another minute of this unlikeable, dull character.
Thora Birch as Savina is ok and Tom Baker's cameo is welcome but the real star of this
movie has to be Richard O'Brien. O'Brien plays Xilus, a thief who Freeborn meets on his quest. Xilus looks after the Guild of Thieves maze. Hang on a second, O'Brien, maze? Yep, we are treated to a 5 minute parody of 'The Crystal Maze' as Freeborn has to go through a series of puzzle games to get a crystal to move on through the maze. Whether or not this was meant as a parody I do not know, but it is absolutely brilliant and without a doubt briefly lifts this out of the mire. Save yourself 100+ minutes of your life and watch this as it is the only bit worth watching. I just wished Xilus had said 'Will you start the fans please!'. Rumour has it Ed-Tudor Pole will star in the sequel.
Once this piece of gold is over, the film trundles along back on its linear path towards the Rod. And as I am watching the story progress, I had a nagging voice in the back of my head that I have seen all this before.Sure, it's not an original storyline, but I knew I had never seen this film, so what was it that was so familiar? And then it dawns on me. This film constantly steals from Star Wars.
Empress Savina, reminded me early on in the film of Queen Amidala, with her stupid numerous costume changes. Then, when Savina is confronting Profion in front of the Mage council its similar in tone to when Princess Leia speaks with Grand Moff Tarkin. In fact the Mage council looks very much like the Republic's Senate.
At one point Freeborn, Snails and their party, stop off at a bar. Which has lots of weird looking creatures drinking within. And has a house band playing one song over and over. Sounding familiar? Unfortunately in the special edition, the director has made this film even worse and Snails now shoots his load first.
Hang on, Snails, an offensive stereotypical racist parody of an ethnic group. That's why I hate him so much. He is Dungeons and Dragon's Jar Jar Sodding Binks!
And now the Star Wars thing is in my mind and as I watched the rest of the film the similiarities grew and grew to a point where I begin to think that this can not be mere coincidence. Fair enough, Star Wars itself is just a retelling of several fantasy stories, but way better and 23 years before this film. Halvarth, (Tom Baker), for example talks of how there is dark and light magic and that this is now an imbalance within the magic. Replace the word magic with the word force and it starts to sound familiar. And that is the overall problem, it's all too familiar.
This was Courtney Soloman's directorial debut and I really wonder if he ever did a second film, (I can not be bothered to look). It took 10 years to get this to production and I really wonder what took 10 years? He certainly did not take time to learn script writing, CGI skills, directing, or having original ideas. The main criticism directed to this film from the gamers is that it really is nothing like Dungeons and Dragons at all and that he has not captured the spirit or the feel of the original game. I can not comment on this as, like I say, I have never played it, but what I can say from my personal experience is that it certainly does not have the imagination, charm or appeal of the 1980's cartoon which I so fondly remember.
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