Ram Gopal Varma’s Ki Aag aka Indian Flames (Wes)

Ram Gopal Varma’s Ki Aag

If you’re a long time reader of our blog you may remember way back near the beginning we utterly failed to find the Danish movie Danes Without a Clue. Well it turns out that obscure Danish comedies aren’t the only European imports that are impossible to find. This time round we failed to find a copy of the Norwegian movie A Story About Love (Dis - en historie om kjærlighet), so it was back to the subs list. I however didn’t relish the prospect of having to watch an extra film, so like I did with Sura (see here) I tried to revisit some of our past failures, and with a lot of searching, and some luck, managed to find separate copies of one of the movie and the subtitles needed. So now we were equipped with a copy of Ram Gopal Varma’s Ki Aag and we wouldn’t have to face the punishment of an extra movie. But was this punishment enough? Only one way to find out…

Bodyguards Heerendra Dhaan (Ajay Devgan) and Raj Ranade (Prashant Raj Sachdev) are forced to flee to Mumbai after they assault a police officer. Once there they are employed by local gangster Shambhu, but it isn’t long until they are arrested and they agree to help bring Shambhu to justice. However once this happens they still get a year in jail. When they are released they are met by Inspector Narsimha (Mohanlal) who wants their help in taking down the gangster Babban Singh (Amitabh Bachchan). For some reason (well about 800,000 reasons), they agree and set off to Kaliganj to capture this notorious criminal. Will they succeed? Will Babban realise that he could probably just sneak away whilst Heerendra and Raj are singing and dancing? Why didn’t we consider that two movies probably have about the same running time as this film and wouldn’t necessitate having to read subtitles when bored?

Reading the reviews, this movie seems to be in the IMDB bottom 100 mainly because it’s a rip-off of a beloved Bollywood movie, Sholay, so much so that that Ram Gopal Varma was fined by the Delhi High Court for copyright infringement. Now never having seen the original movie I can’t comment on that, however I can confidently say that this is one of the most boring movies I’ve watched in a long time.

Now I have no problem with watching movies with subtitles, however if a movie has subtitles and is nearly three hours long, then I’m going to have a lot of trouble paying attention (Seven Samurai and Kwaidan are the only two exceptions I can think of right now). Hell, it takes something like Schindler’s List or The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly for movies that long to keep my attention without subtitles, so Aag really never was going to fare well, especially as the subtitle file I had found looks like it was for a different cut of the movie and kept going out of sync.

I had the same problem with the length of Sura, however that movie was made bearable by having a charming lead character. Unfortunately all of the characters in this movie have the combined charisma of the speakers at a pro-Brexit march. At no point do you even remotely care about the fate of anyone in this movie. Amitabh Bachchan, who seems to be held in high regard in India (even presenting the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire) is laughable as the villain Babban. He’s as menacing as a new born baby equipped with a gun that fires rainbows instead of bullets. The fact that he looks a bit like Al Pacino kept making me think he should have been better, unfortunately he wasn’t the Pacino of Tony Montana or Michael Corleone, but more that of Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade (does anybody know the Hindi translation for “ho haa!”?).

Helium addict Rajpal Yadav as Rambhabhai Is probably the most irritating out of the bunch though. His high-pitched voice, that I hope is supposed to be for comic effect just brings to mind Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Unfortunately his performance is neither funny, nor is it convincing as a gangster coming across more as Joe Pasquale than Joe Gallo.

Aside from the poor acting, the film isn’t helped by the fact that it looks like it was filmed by someone who’s just discovered that you can add movies to Instagram complete with filters. Honestly it’s like watching a movie that’s entirely made with badly developed Polaroid film. I’m not sure if this was to give it some form of gritty urban feel, or if they just couldn’t afford to buy decent film stock, and just used some that they found abandoned in the bottom of a well.

I still can’t get used to the whole Bollywood thing of inserting seemingly random songs into a movie. Not only do they interrupt the flow of the film, and just seem like filler, but they also distract you from the barely present storytelling to such a degree I found myself not quite following what was happening for much of the movie. I honestly don’t understand the point of them unless it’s to sell more copies of the soundtrack (just like Suicide Squad seemed to be doing). But it wasn’t just the songs that irritated me; the background music is wildly over dramatic and even more distracting than the songs.

Aag is an overly long movie, where nothing much really happens, and having to pay attention due to the subtitles made this film feel like way too much hard work. The only thing that I’ve taken from this movie, is that I really must watch Sholay one of these days. But until I get this movie far from my memory any desire to explore the wonderful movies that I’m sure Bollywood has to offer have gone up in the Indian Flames that this movie claims to be.

#26 Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag (Indian Flames) (2007) (Colin)

Cast: Amitabh Bachchan, Mohanlal, Ajay Devgn, Vinod Jaywant

Director: Ram Gopal Varma

Genre: Action, Adventure, Comedy

The next movie in our list…. well, it’s a little complicated……

The next movie in our list was supposed to be Dis - en historie om kjærlighet (in English: A Story About Love) (1995), a Norweigen movie which has the strangest first 2 line summary I’ve ever seen on IMDb: ‘Two young people stand on a street corner in a run-down part of New York, kissing. Despite the lawlessness of the district they are left unmolested’. Wow, that really is a rough part of New York in which a couple having a quick smooch, can result in that level of abuse!

Unfortunately it appears this movie was not on general release in the UK and was not readily available online.  Therefore we were about to go back to our subs bench in which we have to replace a movie we can not find, with 2 bad movies as punishment, when Wes had a breakthrough….

Back at #34 we were supposed to watch the Indian movie, Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag (2007), but we could only find the Hindi version. As neither of us speak Hindi, (after a couple of sherbets we can barely speak English!), we had to drop the movie and take on 2 others as punishment. Removed from our list, I thought no more about the movie until Wes managed to find some English subtitles.

Therefore it turned out we could watch this movie after all and we just needed an opportunity to get it back onto our list. With the A Story About Love proving as hard to get hold off as a greased up baboon, we decided now was a good time to put Aag back onto our list……

Aag is only the second Indian movie I have ever seen, the first being Sura, (2010), which also appeared on our list, (see review here). I actually liked Sura and ended that blog by saying if the opportunity arose, I would try to watch another film from India. But the issue I had with Sura is the length of the movie, which my concentration and bladder struggled to cope with. I was a bit annoyed because the story could have been told in 30mins and I felt like my time was being wasted.

So how would Aag compare to my first experience of Indian cinema? It was time to find out…..

Smug bastard Heerendra (Heero) Dhaan, (Ajay Devgan) and Silas from Heroes lookalike winner Raj Ranade, (Prashant Raj Sachdev) are former bodyguards who are forced to find alternative employment, when their politician employee is jailed for claiming expenses for a duck castle, (I may have made some of that up!).

They hook up with a man with an unbelievably high pitched voice called Rambhabhai, (Rajpal Yadav), who manages to get them work with local gangster, Shambhu. Things don’t get off to a great start when they are arrested by Inspector Narsimha, (Mohan Lal), almost immediately and are asked to betray their new boss and to help Narismha arrest him.

As men who do not let their friends down and with a new sense of loyalty to Shambhu, they do the right thing and promptly stitch Shambhu up like a kipper. Narsimha returns the favour by arresting Heero and Raj and the pair end up in jail!

Karma promptly bites the Inspector on the butt as evil sod, Babban Singh, (Amitabh Bachchan), kills his wife, and son, Subbu, (J.D. Chakravarthi) and then makes it tricky for him to play the piano again by cutting his hand off. Narismha is a bit miffed by all this and when Heero and Raj are released, he asks them once again for a favour and to hunt down and kill Babban.

Having memories like goldfish, Heero and Raj inexplicably agree to help!

They base themselves in a town called Kaliganj and begin the fight with Babban. In fact they manage to capture him and throw him in the slammer within the blink of an eye. Was that the end of the movie?, I hear you ask? Unfortunately no as some crocked cops help him to escape and we have to endure another 2 hours.

Babban seeks his revenge by kidnapping Heero’s love interest, Ghungroo, (Priyanka Kothari) and threatening to kill the townsfolk unless they give up Heero and Raj.

Will the good citizens of Kaliganj rat on Heero and Raj? Can they save Ghungroo? Can someone please nudge me to make sure I’m still awake?

Seriously, it took a lot of caffeine and will power to get through this one!

Aag is based on the movie Sholay, (1975), which unfortunately I have not seen, (and clocking in at 4 hours, it’s unlikely I’ll ever see!). Judging by the plotline of Sholay which I read online, Aag is not just based on Sholay, it is a carbon copy and actually Varma was fined $15k for essentially stealing the movie idea, replicating the storyline and then spitting on the original.

However, Varma forgot to steal any action, excitement or drama from Sholay, (judging by the reviews, Sholay is a cracking movie, Aag is not). What we ended up with was an incredibly dull overly long movie. So what went wrong?

Well let’s start with the positives. There is a fantastic display of moustaches on offer. All shapes and sizes are available, nice thick busy ones, thin but effective ones and my personal favourite, full on ginger mutton chops with a peak cap combo. Very nice indeed!

And that is the only good thing I have to say about this movie.

The main problem with this movie is that the 2 main characters, Heero and Raj, are not likeable in any way shape or form. The reason why I managed to get through Sura is because he is actually a nice character who you warm to and who you want to win in the end. Heero and Raj are just arrogant, grumpy and dull and have no appeal whatsoever.

Heero’s attempts to woo Ghungroo is a good example of his brashness. It starts off by him telling Ghungroo, (who is a Rickshaw driver), that women shouldn’t be allowed to drive Rickshaw’s and that it’s a man’s job, (Emmeline Pankhurst, he is not). At a festival party he reverts to calling her names and wishing he could kill her to try to win her heart. But most disturbing is when he is teaching her to fire a gun, in which he grabs her whilst she’s aiming, pulls himself onto her, rubs himself on her like a dog on heat and proceeds to try to lick and bite her neck off.

At best, he looks like a clumsy out of date character, at worse it could come across as assault.

Raj seems to serve no other purpose that to grind 2 metal balls together throughout the movie, (judging by the high voice, I suspect they were Rambhabhai’s) and looking as if someone has just farted in his soup.

Babban is also a dull character. He is supposed to be this feared ganglord who murders, threatens and intimidates, but just walks around looking like he needs a shave and has worn too much eye liner. His main form of intimidation seems to be breathing out sharply to which his ‘victims’ just look a bit disgusted, rather than frightened.

Feared ganglord? Babban is more like a tramp with halitosis.

The songs in this movie ire me, and it’s not because I hate musicals. In Sura, the songs kind of kept the plot going and were usually about Sura and what a great guy he was. They were quite entertaining, however in Aag, they just seem to be about how smug and arrogant Heero and Raj are, (we can see that, we don’t need a song) and just seem to be used for filler.

And that’s the overall problem, there is an awful lot of filler in this movie and at 3 hours long, it could have so easily have been told in 30mins.

This is similar to my experience with Sura, but Sura had a charm to it that made me forgive it’s lengthy storytelling. Aag does not have this and you really notice the 3 hours creeping by, like a lengthy root canal whilst watching Birds of a Feather.

So how was my second experience with Indian cinema? Unfortunately nowhere near as good as my first!

The novelty had worn off, I knew the format and so the story had to be interesting; it wasn’t. The characters had to be endearing; they weren’t. It had to draw me in; it didn’t.

If you do find yourself with 4 hours spare, then check out Sholay instead as judging by the general consensus in the reviews, this is a good movie. Do not be tempted to save yourself an hour and attempt to watch this pale imitation, you will be disappointed.

#27 Zodiac Killer (Wes)

Zodiac Killer

Bad movie time again and this week it was a serial killer movie inspired by the serial killer who stalked LA in the 1970s, but was never apprehended. Like many horror movie fans I’ve read a lot of books on serial killers, and watched as many documentaries and movies about them as I can find. So having a serial killer movie this low down on our list came as a surprise. Then I saw that this movie was directed by Ulli Lommel and suddenly I started looking through my Facebook invites to see if Hannibal Lecter had invited me to dinner so I could get out of bad movie night. Unfortunately for me he hadn’t.

Michael Cosnick (Vladimir Maksic) works in an old peoples home, where he overhears a man plotting to kill his grandmother. Incensed by his callousness, Michael kills the man, which sets him on the path of becoming a serial killer. When the papers compare him to the original Zodiac Killer, Michael takes this as inspiration to become a copycat murderer. Will the police catch up with him? Will he actually research the murders he’s supposed to be copying and commit anything like them? Have I finally found a worse serial killer movie than Ice Cream Man?

Some directors have such long lasting careers that they just completely defy all logic. Ulli Lommel is one such director. Not to say that everything he’s ever done has been bad, I actually like some of his earlier movies. The Tenderness of Wolves (based on the German serial killer Fritz Haarman) and The Boogeyman are both decent movies, but his later output really is terrible. He’s like the Steve Martin of directors.

Lommel’s direction isn’t only sloppy, but it’s desperate as well. Since the budget clearly didn’t extend to hiring a decent make up artist, Lommel instead inserts various autopsy photos into the movie in a bid to shock. If anything these photos remind you how horrific some peoples crimes are, and how bad this movie is at portraying anything like them.

Because of the use of the Zodiac Killer’s crimes as the plot, it’s hard not to compare this movie with David Fincher’s Zodiac. Aside from the obvious differences in budget and quality of actors, Fincher’s movie shows how a good director can take an already fascinating story and base a movie around it. It was extremely well researched and beautifully shot, and at no point did it feature a bunch of mysterious men wearing black hoods without eyeholes cut into them, which is way more than Zodiac Killer can say for itself.

The other movie I found myself comparing this to was the remake/sequel of The Town That Dreaded Sundown. Both movies are based on copycats of real life serial killers that were never caught (The Town That Dreaded Sundown was based on the killings by the murderer known as The Phantom Killer in Texarkana in 1946). However The Town That Dreaded Sundown is a perfectly watchable movie for a reimagining (even though it essentially tells the same story with the same murders, including the infamous trombone scene, it is the story of a copycat murderer inspired by the film of the original murders). Its reveal as to who is committing the latest murders doesn’t seem ridiculously unrealistic, and The Phantom Killer actually has eyeholes cut into his mask, which is way more than the stupid bunch of mysterious hooded men in Zodiac Killer can say for themselves.

Those mysterious men really do help sum up why Zodiac Killer is such a ridiculous movie. I think they're meant to be a secret organisation of powerful men who meet up and boast about their latest murders (well they say who they killed), and then decide whether or not a killer can operate in their area. They seemingly meet in a church, say amen at the end of their meetings, name themselves after signs of the zodiac and apparently respect law and order. I don’t think even Lommel knew their purpose in the movie. I think he just bought a job lot of (eyehole-less) black hooded masks cheaply on eBay and needed to find a reason to use them. But as menacing secret society’s go, they’re less The Court of Owls and more Caught by the Short and Curlies.

We’ve now reached the point where the movies we’re watching are sub-porn movie level acting, but this film brings us to a new low. It’s like watching members of the general public, with absolutely no acting experience ever, trying to act out a scene in cheap daytime TV show about giving a house a makeover, or maybe something about buying and selling collectables. I think the only movie I’ve seen with worse acting is the slasher movie made behind the scenes at the Vans Warped Tour in 2003, Punk Rock Holocaust. It makes me worry, that as we still have so many movies left, we will soon surpass that level and I know we have a couple more Paris Hilton movies on our list, so I think I know when that come to pass.

Watching Zodiac Killer, it’s clear that when it comes to making a decent movie Ulli Lommel is stuck up Wolf Creek without a paddle. Using a Zodiac Killer copycat, who doesn’t actually copy any of the original killers crimes is one of the most incompetent, and cynical moves to cash in on the murders of real life people that I’ve ever heard of. A dreadful movie that in the spirit of the Zodiac I shall sum up with my horoscope for the day:

Gemini

A lunar tie with the nebulous energies of Neptune means that tonight you will be forced to sit through a movie so bad that you could pull a better film from Uranus without even trying. Avoid men in eyeless black masks and care home workers. Your lucky numbers aren’t going to get you out of this one.

#27 Ulli Lommel's Zodiac Killer(2005) (Colin)

Starring: Vladimir Maksic, Ulli Lommel, Todd Jensen, Peter Beckman

Directed by: Ulli Lommel

Genre: Crime

The next movie on our list is Zodiac Killer (2005) and is directed by a man called Ulli Lommel who will because very familiar as he has 3 movies in total on our list!  I do not know much about him other than he directed a movie in 1980 called The Boogeyman, which I have not seen, but I believe was rather good and has a bit of a cult following.

Sounds like a promising start then and the added bonus is that Lommel has had a further 25 years to hone in his craft.  Top stuff.  The 3 movies on our list, must just be a silly oversight.  Or was it?

Just as a bit of background, The Zodiac Killer was a real life serial killer in the US around the 1960's and 1970's.  He was never caught and his identity was never known. This movie has absolutely nothing to do with this....well sort of....

The movie starts of with the most pretentious piece of nonsense I have ever witnessed.  A disclaimer informing us that 'being killed is neither fun, pretty or romantic...'.  I mean, no shit!  Well thanks for clearing that one up Lommel.  He then goes on to inform us ducks like water, the Pope is catholic and that bears do their number 2s in wooded areas.  Prat!

Anyhoo, we jump straight to the 'action' as Michael Cosnick, (Vladimir Maksic), who works in a nursing home, overhears a plot to murder one of the residents.  He decides this is not on and tracks down the would be assassin to his house and shoots him dead.

In the morning Michael wakes to hear of news of his killing and that the police are liking it to the Zodiac serial killer, (really?  After one murder?).  The news announcer goes on to say if you wish to know more about the Zodiac Killer, then to read a book by Simon Vale, (Ulli Lommel).  Cosnick promptly goes out in search of the book.

Upon reading the book, he reaches out to Vale and after exchanging a few emails, Cosnick discovers he has the same personality disorder as the original Zodiac Killer, (DSM4).  Inspired, Cosnick decides to copy Zodiac and to kill again and again.

 Meanwhile, a mysterious group of serial killers meet in secret to discuss their latest murders.  Wearing black hoods to hide their identity, Cosnick's killings have caught their attention.  They all agree that there is nothing more wretched than a copycat serial killer and something needs to be done.

Will Cosnick's killing spree be allowed to continue?  Will we learn the true identity of The Zodiac Killer?  Will Lommel hire any actors to take part in this movie?  Watch Ulli Lommel's Zodiac Killer to find out, (but really, don't.  I beg you, it's absolute hog wash!).

A movie about a serial killer which includes some pretty gruesome photos of actual killings, should be exciting, tense, edge of your seat stuff.  This movie is none of those things.  It's as dull as beige and plods along at such a slow pace that I honestly thought I was looking at a photo rather than a movie.  The 1hr 23mins run time feels like so much more and if you feel that life is passing by too fast, then just watch this movie ad nauseam.  You'll be begging for a decent serial killer to show up and give you mercy.

There's no real story here apart from bloke kills some people.  The killings themselves are not really shown which means there is no real shock factor or wow moments.  I'm not for violence or gore just for the sake of it, but hell, this is supposed to be about a serial killer and watching bad actors chomping down on blood packs and wearing raspberry coulis hardly heightens the atmosphere.  The scariest part of this movie is actually Maksic's hair cut.  But hey it's nice of his mum to do his hair and it's lucky they have a bowl that fits his stupid head.

The acting from everyone is stupendously bad, I mean really truly awful bad.  Think of amateur dramatic actors.  Now think of their understudies.  Now imagine those understudies practising their lines by asking their partners or friends to read the script with them.  Those partners and friends, who very reluctantly read out the lines with no emotion and just want to get it over with as quickly as possible, are a million times better than the absolute dog mess of a cast which Lommel has used.

Then there is the filming itself.  It appears to have been shot from a camera phone which has been dropped down the bog and then peed on.  It's incredibly poor quality and jerky as if Lommel's camera guys were trampolining or on board a ship at the time of filming.

But above all else, it's stupid.  It thinks it's a really clever movie full of arty pieces and profound speeches, but it's not, it's bollocks.  Michael's monologues are supposed to be insightful but I've heard more intelligent speeches from The Speaking Clock.  The hooded figures are meant to give the movie a sense of mystery, but it doesn't, it just looks like a bunch of idiots who have forgotten to cut out the eye holes out of their masks.  The twist isn't clever either and I called it right at the beginning.  Heck there are as of yet, unidentified alien species on distant planets who have sussed it straight away.

A dull script, poorly acted and just plain stupid, this movie is one to avoid.  It's nowhere near the it's so bad it's good bracket, heck it's not even in the same time zone.  This is definitely one movie where our tagline, 'we watch bad movies, so you don't have to', should be heeded.  We watched it guys, we took one for the team, never ever even consider watching this steaming pile of rhubarb fertilizer.

2 years after Zodiac Killer, Lommel would go on to make another movie about the Zodiac Killer called Curse of the Zodiac.  Did he manage to learn his lessons from the absolute crapfest he offered before?  Well judging by the 1.3 IMDb score, (Zodiac Killer gets a 2.8!), absolutely not and I think it's safe to say I would rather smash my face in with an iron and then clean the bloodied mess with a brillo pad than watch another Lommel movie.

What's that?  There's still 2 more of his movies on our list?  Oh FFS * sits in corner and slowly rocks *

#28 Zaat (Wes)

Zaat

After the craptacular Turks in Space (see here) I needed something entertaining to watch on this list, but with a name like Zaat, I didn’t have the slightest clue what to expect. Searching for this movie soon gave me some clues for what to expect though, and seeing a monster on the movie poster filled me with a deep joy. This far into our list, I wasn’t expecting something great like The Toxic Avenger, but at this point any movie featuring a man in a rubber suit looks like a ray of sunlight. So with that in mind I went into this movie with high hopes. So would I be disappointed, or would I be adapting the lyrics to The Automatic’s Monster and singing “What’s Zaat coming over the hill, is it a monster? Is it a monster?” all night afterwards?

Mad scientist Dr. Kurt Leopold (Marshall Grauer) has been brooding over his former (and sane) scientist colleagues laughing at him and denying his requests for human subjects for a formula he’d invented called Z_aA_t. This formula has the ability to mutate a human into that of a walking catfish. When he uses the formula on himself, he mutates into a monster, and plots his revenge against those he feels wronged him. He poisons the local water supply and kills the two scientists who stood in the way of his insane plans. Marine Biologist Rex Baker (Gerald Cruse) along with two INPIT agents (Sanna Ringhaver and Dave Dickerson) assist sheriff Lou Krantz (Paul Galloway) in trying to track down the cause of these nefarious occurrences. Will they be able to stop the monster before he makes himself a bride? Will the monster find the drugs he needs in the pharmacist? Why won’t the monster kill the hippies playing the rubbish folk song?  What sort of movie could make me ask such ridiculous questions?

As mad scientists go, Dr. Leopold may not quite have the genius of Dr. Farnsworth, the vision of Dr Frankenstein, or the sheer evilness of Dr. Forrester (If you’re a regular reader of this blog, then you must have watched some MST3K by now, if not (or if you’re a first time reader) then I recommend you check some out), but was probably mistaken for the janitor much more often than any of those, so that’s something.

His opening monologue praising various sea creatures like a paranoid schizophrenic Jacques Costeau, doesn’t quite show how insane he actually is, but he does fit highly amongst the most batshit of the mad scientists, To see the level of his madness you just need to look at his plans. These take the form of a bizarre hand drawn zodiac wheel stuck to the wall of his laboratory, which looks like a junior school project. Throughout the film he sticks first photo’s of his two intended victims onto it, and then later hand drawn sketches of women that he wants to turn into monsters like him. Looking at that you can see that Dr. Leopold is more unhinged than a broken door.

Looking even closer at his plans shows a man who should be bouncing off the walls of his cell like a human squash ball, rather than messing around with chemicals and harassing innocent octopuses. He mutates himself into a monster to kill just two people. Two. If he was really that desperate for revenge he could have just shot them or something, and then he wouldn’t have had to go to the trouble of kidnapping women to turn them into monsters like himself to find a bride. Instead he could have just got some new clothes, a decent haircut and gone dancing and tried talking to women. I hear that most women like that much more than being kidnapped and monsterfied.

Dr. Leopold isn’t the only person who seems to have lost the plot. Writer (also director and producer) Don Barton doesn’t seem to have understood that only having ten minutes worth of plot in a 100 minute film isn’t a good idea. Zaat is an extremely drawn out film. It could have easily been half an hour shorter and you wouldn’t have lost a single thing (except 70 minutes of your life). The pace really is quite clunky and the amount of pointless scenes is astounding, however even at a faster pace and without scenes of the monster making a quick trip to Boots or a ten-minute hippy interlude this would still have been a terrible movie.

The killings, which you’d normally expect to be amongst the more entertaining of scenes, are cut with stock footage of sea creatures, and are strangely brief. They’re also completely laughable. At one point one innocent victim of the monster gets killed by it barely swiping her sweater. The sheriff confronting the monster isn’t much better either, with him obviously failing his firearm exams when joining the police as he seems to think a gun should be used as a club, rather than used to fire bullets.

The movie also isn’t helped by so much of the screen time being occupied by a monster that looks like a cross between an ape, a fly and the Swamp Thing. How this is supposed to be a mutated walking catfish, only Don Barton would be able to tell you. I read online that the mouth of the monster was designed as it was (like a fly’s proboscis) as it was originally going to suck the blood from its victims, well they got one thing right, this monster really did suck. The costume itself looks like it was found in the bins behind the Doctor Who sets of the 60’s and the only thing in its favour, is that it doesn’t look too bad in the underwater scenes (which are probably the most professional looking thing in this whole movie).

Despite it’s length and ridiculous amount of filler, I actually enjoyed Zaat. I think a lot of it was down to how much fun it was to mock on Twitter (follow us here and here). It’s a bad movie, that’s got so much wrong with it, but somehow it adds up to be a strangely charming movie. It could have easily been made a couple of decades earlier, and for a while I thought it was. However by the 70s movies and costumes really should have improved even on low budgets, which makes this movie less Creature From the Black Lagoon and more Creature From the Broken Latrine…

#28 ZaaT (1971) (Colin)

 

Cast: Marshall Grauer, Wade Popwell, Paul Galloway, Gerald Cruse

Director: Don Barton

Genre: Horror, Sci-Fi

The next movie on our list has several names, Hydra, Attack of the Swamp Creatures, Zaat and Blood Waters of Dr. Z.  Fans of MST3K will recognise the last name and indeed this movie was riffed in season 10.  I don’t remember much about the episode, other than it seemed to have a number of risqué riffs about boobs, nudity and the protagonist enjoying a cheeky one of the wrist.

With all these names, it’s hard to know which one to use throughout this blog, but I have settled on Zaat, for no other reason than it’s only 4 letters and easy to type.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, it depends how you look at it), the original movie was easy to find and therefore we will not be watching the MST3K version.  For this reason, I was praying that the movie did not suck as, on occasion, it’s only the riffing from the MST3K team which makes a bad movie watchable, (ie, Carnival Magic from the MST3K Revival).  Having just watched Turks in Space, (see blog here), I was in dire need of one of those bad movies in our list which is so truly awful, it becomes good.

So when I saw the IMDb headline for this movie was ‘A mad scientist transforms himself into an aquatic killer’, my spirits lifted.  This sounds like it has the hallmarks of a movie so bad, it’s good.

So was it?

Nutjob neo-nazi Dr. Kurt Leopold, (Marshall Grauer), has a bee in his bonnet.  He has created a new formula called Z-sub-A, A-sub-T, or ZaaT for short.  Apparently it can turn humans into catfish, which leads to some eyebrows being raised and much criticism from his colleagues who believe he’s one cake short of a picnic.  He decides to teach them a lesson and injects himself with ZaaT.  After a short dip in a water tank he emerges as a creature, (which looks nothing like a catfish,) and starts his revenge.

Leopold tracks down a dude called Maxson, a colleague who turned his nose up to Leopold’s formula and went Pey-hew!  Maxson is fishing, (Irony!), with his son and wife in a boat on a nearby lake.  Leopold seizes his opportunity by capsizing the boat and killing Maxson and his son.  He then scarpers and sets about ensuring another colleague, Ewing, is now pushing up the daisies.

Maxson decides to interrupt all this killing with some romance.  He kidnaps an unsuspecting lady, who was minding her beeswax going for a swim and takes her back to his lab.  He injects her with the ZaaT formula and dunks her in the water tank.  Things go awry, however, when the potential mate wakes up from her enforced baptism and starts thrashing around.  This causes the equipment to do sparky things and the girlfriend that never was, dies.

The movie interrupts itself to bring us a very long interlude which sees a band playing, the town’s sheriff, Lou, (Paul  Galloway), watching them and then once done, (and it does seem to last forever), Lou arrests them and puts them in the slammer.

Back to the movie and Leopold is a bit miffed that he didn’t get some lady/fish hybrid action and so sets about trying to kidnap another mate.  Martha Walsh, (Sanna Ringhaver), is a scientist who has been called into the town to try to solve the mysterious killings and why the townsfolk are becoming ill, (that cheeky Leopold has been putting ZaaT into the water supply.  He really is a card!).  Leopold instantly falls in love and takes her back to the lab.  Hot on his heels are Lou and Martha’s scientific buds…..

Will Leopold get his dream fishgirl?  Can Lou stop him?  Will the totally unnecessary band members escape from jail?

Watch ZaaT and find out!

ZaaT is a truly awful movie, with painfully slow scenes, awful acting and a ‘catfish’ costume which looks more like Gredo on meth, than it does a catfish, (why, for example, does he have fur?).  That’s right, I absolutely loved it!

Going back to the catfish costume, it is truly terrible.  I swear you can see the outline of the zip, it’s definitely too big for the actor and I’m not convinced he can actually see out of the mask.  In one scene, Leopold quite clearly trips and carries on walking.  Not a single person in the editing suite thought, ‘Oops, should get rid of that!’ and so they kept it in.  I’m pleased they did because it’s little errors and mistakes such as this, which makes a bad movie watchable and pushes it towards so bad, it’s good!

With the ill fitting catfish costume, the movie has an overall 1950’s B movie feel to it.  Which would have been absolutely fine, had ZaaT not been made in 1971!  When you consider it was made in the same year as The Omega Man, Andromeda Strain and A Clockwork Orange, it was always going to be up against some pretty stiff Sci-Fi competition.  Making it look 20 years out of date, probably wasn’t a good start, (although today it does not seem to matter as much, certainly not to me).

The sound effects are 1970’s, albeit rejected sound effects from the makers of Doctor Who, the producers of which would have deemed them too cheap!  The musical score appears to be by The Stylophone Symphony Orchestra and adds to the budget feel and I think it’s fair to say that the soundtrack was not in the Hit Parade.  Unless Hit was spelt with a silent ‘S’.

There is an awful lot of padding in this movie.  Truth be told, the story could’ve taken 20 minutes and you’d still have enough time for the 10 minutes band scene.  Scenes are unnecessarily long and drawn out.  One particular scene involve the monster Leopold going to the pharmacy to do a spot of late night drug shopping!  The audience watches in wonder as Leopold examines bottle after bottle, shelf after shelf and puts them neatly into his basket.  It really is a breath-taking scene, high-octane stuff which could grace any Fast Furious franchise movie.

But all of these things just add to the charm of the movie, you end up laughing at it and it becomes an enjoyable experience.  There are loads of examples of the truly awful which add to the magic of this movie.

For example, the elaborate way in which Leopold lowers himself and his female victims into the pool.  It basically involves a metal basket, rope and a series of pulleys to gently submerge the subjects.  A bit of an over design, you feel, when steps leading into the water are clearly visible!

Or Leopold’s incredibly odd 7ft tall circular cardboard cutout in which he has drawn pictures of his victims, pinned photos of his former colleagues and scribbled notes of his plans.  I still can not understand why he has done this, what’s wrong with a note book or chalk board?

And then there’s the fabulous death of a young lad on his porch.  Leopold swipes viciously, kills him and leaves his head a bloodied mess.  Well, Leopold swipes quite gently actually.  And actually the blood is quite clearly Leopold dipping his hand in red paint and wiping it across the young lad’s face.  But again it adds to the charm.

And so I can firmly file this movie under the category, it’s so bad, it’s good!  An enjoyable film fans of MST3K will love even if they have not seen that particular episode.  I highly recommend it, check it out on YouTube.

ZaaT’s All Folks!

#29 Turks in Space aka Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam'ın Oğlu (Wes)

Turks in Space aka Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam'ın Oğlu (The Son of the Man Who Saved the World)

We’ve had a lot of problems recently finding movies, mainly due to the amount of foreign language films we’ve come across, so the prospect of finding a copy of Turks in Space didn’t fill me with hope. Eventually after weeks of searching and right at the point of giving up,  I found a video online that unfortunately had no subtitles. However after finding a separate subtitle file elsewhere we were finally set to watch our second Turkish movie featuring Mehmet Ali Erbil (the first was Kelogan and the Black Prince – see here). Was all this effort worthwhile? What do you think?

Dunyayi Kurtaran Adamin Oglu (Mehmet Ali Erbil) is the son of the man who saved the world, as he reminds you quite often throughout the movie. He leads a Turkish space mission, which lost a crew member, Gokmen (Burak Hakki) in space years ago when his support line was cut by a mysterious figure, and he is now obsessed with finding him. Also on the mission are a ragtag crew of misfits, including a robot with an autotune voice, an old lady cleaner, a dog and various other unfunny characters. When the ship is raided by space pirates and one of the female crew members is kidnapped, The Son must somehow defeat the pirate Zaldabar (Mehmet Ali Erbil again), and rescue a space princess (Burcu Kara) who is tangled up in this mess somehow too. Will The Son find Gokmen? Why does Zaldabar look just like him? Can the Man Who saved the World save it again (I’m honestly not sure what he’s supposed to save it from, but I’m damn sure it needs saving!)? All these questions and more will be answered in my dreams. Hang on….

Turks in Space is a dull movie and now holds the title for the first movie on this list that I fell asleep whilst watching it. Twice. Admittedly I was working nights, so was generally pretty tired much of the time, but on my first attempt to watch it I had already watched one movie that day without feeling the need to sleep, and I’ve sat through a lot of movies now, bad or otherwise, in between waking and working for over a year and I rarely have that problem. So I can be pretty sure it’s the fault of Turks in Space that made me pass out.

A sequel to the Turkish movie Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saved the World AKA Turkish Star Wars since it steals so much footage from that movie) Turks in Space is supposed to be a comedy, and like I said in my Kelogan review, I find it hard to judge a movies comedy on a language I don’t speak, so I may be missing out on any subtle wordplay style jokes, and based in a culture I’m not overly familiar with means I may be missing out on a lot of cultural references.

However the jokes that I did understand, were about as funny as the thought of President Donald Trump. Mostly they seem either based on sex, toilet humour or the general incompetence of the crew. There are also the predictable mistaking one brother for another jokes that have been done so often by better writers, each one of them failing to make them funny, that you wonder why writer Murat Boyacioglu thought he could do any better. At one point they even verbally reiterate a visual joke that happened seconds before just in case you missed it the first time. It’s the movie equivalent of someone explaining back to you why your own joke was funny.

Again, like with Kelogan, I just found Mehmet Ail Erbil to be irritating, and not the charming joker that he obviously sees himself as. To have him play two characters in this was double the pain then. If an actor is talented or funny, this can work well, unfortunately Erbil is more Linsay Lohan (to learn about one of her more awful times that she's played twins see here) than Mike Myers. The rest of the cast are just forgettable, with no discernable acting talent or comedy timing.

Visually it looks more like a low budget rip-off of Galaxy Quest than of Star Wars or Star Trek. Of course a comedy isn’t expected to wow with its visual finesse, even a sci-fi one, however when a film just looks like a parody of a parody, you can’t help but think the set designers just couldn’t be bothered to even try. The sets are cheap and unimaginatively designed, the costumes look like they were made by an amateur cosplayer who’s never actually seen Star Trek, but has had the Starfleet uniforms described to them and thinks they can make one and the CGI just reminds me when Red Dwarf started to use CGI instead of model effects, which just made everything look less realistic

The only positive thing I can say about this movie, is that it made me happy that we had to sub the movie Yes Sir, as making someone watch three Mehmet Ali Erbil films in their lifetime is a torture so foul that it would make the KGB throw up in disgust. This Spaceballs-up is not so much Turkish Star Wars, more Turkish The Phantom Menace…

#29 Turks in Space AKA Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam'ın Oğlu (The Son of the Man Who Saved the World) (2006) (Colin)

Cast: Mehmet Ali Erbil, Cuneyt Arkin, Haldun Boysan, Berda Ceyhan, Veysel Diker

Director: Kartal Tibet

Genre: Sci-Fi, Comedy

The next movie on our list sees us travelling back to Turkey, (well actually we’re not travelling anywhere, we’re still stuck in our crappy top secret bad movie liar, just off J7 on the M11;  Opposite Aldi.).  But it does see us watching another movie with Mehmet Ali Erbit, who our regular reader will know appeared in our #55 movie, Keloglan vs The Black Prince, (see review here).

Now it’s fair to say I didn’t really like Keloglan.  It was supposed to be a comedy but I don’t recall laughing once.  The hero, Keloglan, was so unlikeable thanks to the arrogant portrayal by Mehmet, that I really couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss if he saved the day or met his maker being garrotted with rusty piano wire.  But I did wonder whether I just ‘didn’t get it’.  Remember, this is a Turkish movie, with subtitles and so maybe culturally I didn’t understand or I was missing something.

And so I sort of knew what to expect with the next movie on our list, Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam'ın Oğlu (The Son of the Man Who Saved the World) (2006), (AKA Turks in Space).  Again this is a comedy, (so I expect it to be unfunny), again it stars Mehmet Erbit, (so I expect him to play a ‘lovable’ character but will come across as an arrogant tosspot) and again it’s subtitled, (so I expect to not fully understand everything).

So were my expectations correct?  It was time to find out…..

Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam (Mehmet Ali Erbil) is captain of the spaceship something or other.  He leads a motley crew of forgettable characters who include a dumb blonde, a robot, erm, someone else and erm, that other person.  With the dark hair.  Thingy.

Anyhoo, it turns out that the captain is the son of the man who saved the world in the first movie, (Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saved the World) (1982)) and so it transpires this is a sequel.  This was the only shock to me for the entire movie and the only thing that is vaguely interesting.  The reason for this is that the original movie, better known as ‘Turkish Star Wars’, blatantly rips scenes and music for the original Star Wars movie and is something of a cult classic.  However, I’ll go into more detail in a later blog, as I’m pleased to say that this movie is #18(a) on our list!

The captain is also good at losing members of his crew, (and the audience), one in particular, Gokmen, (Burak Hakki), is causing him all kinds of grief and anguish.  Gokmen floated off into space several years ago after a spacewalk in which his support line was chopped off.  This may seem bad for Gokmen, but at least he now has more atmosphere that the entire movie.

Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam is obsessed with finding Gokmen and so is leading his crew on a mission to track him down.  Space pirate Zaldabar, (Mehmet Ali Erbil, that’s right, we have 2 Mehmets for the price of 1!), decides to piss on his chips and kidnap one of the female crew.

Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam is confused, why does Zaldabar look exactly like him?  What does he want with the female crew member, (seriously can’t remember her name, or which one of the crew was taken)?  And where the devil is Gokmen?  Will Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam find the answers to these questions?  If he does, can he please tell me as I have absolutely no idea what is going on?

If this seems like a short synopsis, I apologise, but in truth I struggled to pad it out to the 300 or so words above.  Nothing happens in this movie and again I find myself watching a comedy which contains nothing funny whatsoever.

Am I missing the gags because of the cultural difference, like I may have done with Keloglan?  I don’t know, I really don’t think I am because several reviews from Turkish viewers on IMDb seem to back up my theory that this really is a crap and unfunny movie.

Mehmet Ali Erbil seems to have made a lot of comedy movies, so someone, somewhere must like him.  However, because you make a lot of comedy movies, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are any good or funny.  Ask Adam Sandler.

The main problem seems to stem around the fact that there is a character which looks a lot like another character.  This plot has been done to death and as such it is just not funny.  Even comedy gold, such as Only Fools and Horses, seriously struggled when they used this idea.  Miami Twice, to me, is still the only laughter free episode of Only Fools and this is largely thanks to the tired ‘Prince and The Pauper’, storyline.

There’s really nothing more I can say about this movie.  Both of Erbil’s characters are unfunny, lifeless and his hero character comes across as an arrogant so and so once again.  The special effects are awful, the sound abysmal and the plot non-existent.

I like to do around 1,000 words per blog, as I think this is a nice amount to set up the blog, describe the movie and share my feelings about what I thought of the film.  But with nearly 200 words remaining, I’m going to put my hands up, I’m struggling.  In fact I think I have more to say about my new iron, than I do this movie.

Which gives me an idea…..

At £54.99, the Morphy Richards 301021 Comfigrip Steam Iron is not cheap, but with a large 350ml water tank and a very impressive 55g/min steam output, you will understand where the extra few quid has gone.

The overall build quality is very impressive and it feels like a high-end iron rather than the mid-budget model that it is.

The ceramic soleplate glides over clothing with ease and makes ironing quick and hassle free.  The variable steam function allows you to have full control and from silk to cotton, it gives a first class experience every time.

If I had 1 criticism, when the water tank is full it can become quite heavy.  However, this is a minor point and pound for pound, I think you would be hard pushed to find another iron in this price range which delivers such an exciting ironing experience.

Am I going over the top?  Well let’s just say it is more exciting that the movie, Turks in Space, aka Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam'ın Oğlu (The Son of the Man Who Saved the World) (2006).  It also has the added benefit that even if you turn the steam function up to the highest setting and then repeatedly smash yourself in the face with it, the Morphy Richards 301021 Comfigrip Steam Iron is still funnier and less painful than watching this movie.