#98 Soul Plane (Wes)

  #98 Soul Plane

If you’ve not heard of Soul Plane you’re lucky. To say this film is bad is a bit of an understatement. I’m sure this extremely crude comedy appeals to a certain audience, but some people also enjoy having electrodes strapped to their testicles. I’d prefer not to have to experience that either. Unfortunately I said I’d watch these movies, so I had to endure Soul Plane (which was so painful I feel like I may have been better off with the testicular electrocution).

The story starts off with Nashawn Wade (Kevin Hart) getting his arse stuck in an airplane toilet (actually a massive fear of mine) and his dog getting sucked into a jet engine. He sues the airline and wins $100,000,000, which he uses to start up his own airline (NWA). It’s maiden flight is beset with problems, including pilot Captain Mack (Snoop Dogg) never actually having flown before, Wade’s cousin Muggsey (Method Man) setting up a casino and strip club in the plane and then Wade having to land the plane after Captain Mack seemingly dies after taking some mushrooms. And of course what maiden flight on America’s first black airline would be complete without the out of place middle class white man Elvis Hunkee (Tom Arnold) and his family, a gay air steward and some sassy security guards?

The biggest problem with this movie is that it’s so full of poorly done racial stereotypes that you half expect Jar Jar Binks and Watto (From the Star Wars prequels) to make a guest appearance. If these were done well then it could have been an ok movie, but when you have to resort to jokes that include the airline meal being buckets of fried chicken then you know you’ve scraped through the bottom of the barrel. The fact that the other jokes are all either sex or toilet based really doesn’t help much either.

To be fair to the film, there were a few bits I laughed at. African co-pilot Gaeman (Godfrey) telling Mack that his name doesn’t mean he’s gay “Everyone will be pregnant by the end of this flight!”, the plane being customised with hydraulics and the in-flight safety video (based on Destiny Child’s Survivor which can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_voArXcJG8) are all funny. Snoop Dogg is his usual charming self too (although he’s not nearly as good as he was in Starsky and Hutch). Unfortunately the good jokes are few and far between and they just aren't good enough to save this movie.

Surprisingly Tom Arnold wasn’t actually too bad in this film. His acting is ok, and he comes across quite sweet as a Father who feels he’s losing his family. Unfortunately most of the other actors are just irritating as they, try to outdo each other to be the funniest, loudest person onscreen.

However no matter how bad the acting is at times, there’s no getting around the fact that ultimately this film fails due to a very poor script. Many people have done the same type of stereotypical humour, but with a much funnier outcome (try Don’t Be a Menace to Society While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood - if you want to see it done well), this just comes across as pointless and lazy. I’m pretty sure this is another one of those movies that would be further up the list if only people had heard about it.

#98 Soul Plane (2004) (Colin)

Before we begin, let me share a little secret with you. At weekends I am simply known as Susan and I like to wear.... no, wait, wrong secret. Damn! It's probably best you forget that. What I meant was that Wes and I actually started watching these films in November 2012, so my memory of some of them is a bit sparse as I wasn't keeping notes. For these earlier films I have actually watched them again. Then, once I have checked out of the mental unit, begin the blog. I just wanted to make sure my criticism was justified and that I wasn't talking bollocks. Or at least no more than normal.

However, with this film things were different. I detested this crapfest so much, that I vowed to never watch it again. I even blasted the DVD out of a rocket launcher into a wall / put it away in the draw, (more the 2nd one), so that I'd just forget about it. Now I'm a man of my word, (unless those words are 'just a couple' and the question is 'how many are you staying for?'), so I will not be watching it again. Can't be arsed. So there! *thumb on nose and fingers wiggling*.

So I'm now going to criticise something on which I know absolutely nothing about. A bit like Piers Morgan.....

#98 Soul Plane (2004) (I think, I was also drunk).

Now when you see the name Tom Arnold in a movie, you know you're in safe hands. Whether it's his razor sharp wit or diverse range of acting skills, Arnold is a powerhouse in acting. That doesn't sound right. (Check this before publishing). Another famous name in the film is Snoop Dogg, who plays Captain Mack. Snoop Dogg, off course, is as cool as a naked polar bear in sun glasses eating an ice cream. ie very. But these 2 can not save this film and their respective talents, (Dogg not Arnold) are wasted.

The story is about a guy called Nashawn (Kevin Hart), who after getting his bottom nearly sucked out of an airplane and having his dog killed by being sucked into a jet engine, successfully sues the airline and wins $100million. Using his new found wealth, Nashawn launches a new airline. The film is set on the maiden flight and has 2 themes. Nashawn trying to win back his girlfriend and the coming together and bonding of Arnold's family. Both have something in common in that I could not give a monkeys about the outcome of either.

The film starts well with a nice combination of slapstick and humour. Nashawns's dog being sucked into the jet engine is one of those situations where you shouldn't, but you can't help laughing out loud. To the question 'how is your ass' after Nashawn wins the money, the reply , 'it's good, it's sitting on $100million' was fairly clever and amusing. Then the film degenerates into 90 mins of bad jokes, bad acting and bad luck on my part for pressing play on the DVD player.

The easiest way for me to describe the film is like this. If the film was written by a 9-5 office worker in 1 day, (I doubt it took that long), then the writer spent from 9am to 4.59pm writing the first 10 minutes. He then hears, 'we're off to the pub at 5pm, are you coming?' and thinks 'sod it, just chuck in knob gags, toilet humour and offensive stereotypes. I fancy lager and pork scratchings'.

The film is really a bunch of unfunny sketches glued together. Each sketch contains a racial stereotype, in fact this seems mandatory. And Soul Plane has gone to great lengths to ensure no ethnic group is offended. Black women are either fat and shouty or buxom, bootylicious and scantily dressed. Muslims are portrayed as terrorists and only board planes to blow them up, (although I think it's to get as far away from this movie as possible). And there is only one white family in the movie and for crying out loud, they have been called 'the Hunkees', (honkys, geddit?). Soul Plan makes the 70's sitcom 'mind your language' seem like a party political broadcast by the anti-nazi league.

And that is what really irks me about this film. It's just lazy writing and has been done before in countless films in better ways. I really thought we had left this kind of racial stereotypical dross behind, clearly I was wrong. Oh and gay men, don't worry you're ridiculed and stereotyped as well.

The actors in this movie all seem to be competing for the loudest, wacky, overacting award. It appears from scene to scene the movies volume gets higher until even Spinal Tap's 11 is not loud enough. Ok, I'm getting old and like quiet pubs these days and music with lyrics, but even the hard of hearing would ask for it to be turned down

And it doesn't get less shouty and as the actors try to outdo each other, it feels like a class of children who are attempting to get the teacher's attention by shouting, 'Miss Miss Miss' and putting their arm up further and further in the air until one is standing up, bellowing and has one arm forcing the other arm higher and higher to get noticed. This bunch have climbed on the roof and are using a megaphone.

And so it's rinse and repeat throughout the movie although there are a couple of funny moments. The parody of Destiny Child's 'Survivor' for the flight safety video is genuinely funny and clever, (check it out on YouTube) and the 'Pimped up' airplane complete with hydraulics and revolving hub caps is again a good gag.

This is undoubtably a bad film, despite a good start and a couple of funny moments along the way. The characters are one dimensional, poorly acted and the jokes are tired and stale. Sometimes it tries shock to amuse but it's usually poorly judged and offensive. If only the writer had not gone to the pub and put in an 'all nighter', the end result could have been a good movie. However, instead he wakes up with a dry mouth, a sore head and feeling dirty.

So I did not watch again and I never will and please don't put yourself through it, (although I do have a spare DVD if you're short in coasters). Truly awful, should be higher up the list, Soul Plane? Soulless Plane more like.

#97 Glen or Glenda (Wes)

#97 Glen or Glenda

This is the first Ed Wood movie that we come cross in our list and like all of his movies it has a certain charm. That doesn’t mean that it’s a great movie, but it does mean that at least it’s entertaining to watch, unlike some of the movies that have been (or will be) watched on this list.

The film is narrated by psychiatrist Dr. Alton (Timothy Farrell) as he tells the story of transvestite Glen (Ed Wood himself under the name Daniel Davis) and his bid to be accepted in his life as Glenda. This mainly revolves around the difficulties that Glen faces when telling his fiancée Barbara (Dolores Fuller) about his cross-dressing. The second part of the movie deals with Alan (Tommy Haynes), who under goes gender assignment surgery to become Anne. It plays more like a public information movie, telling its viewers that men who dress in women’s clothing are neither homosexuals nor weirdo’s. Basically this is a semi-autobiographical movie, which comes across as a plea for understanding for the trans community from a homophobic 1950s America.

The film opens with Bela Lugosi playing a Baron Frankenstein style mad scientist (or perhaps God?) who has to deal with the usual baffling script that Wood provided. How he delivers lines like “People. All going somewhere. All with their own thoughts, their own ideas, All with their own personalities. One is wrong because he does right. One is right because he does wrong. PULL THE STRING. Dance to that!” with his usual panache is nothing short of miraculous. This however is done with great use of a split screen, so this helps him look like a god like creator, rather than a man with no trousers shouting at pigeons in the local park. However as the film progresses further and Lugosi crops up again and again you just get confused as to what he’s actually doing in the movie.

But it’s not only Lugosi that has ludicrous lines to say, the script in general is terrible. When the story of Glen starts, it features papers with “shocking” headlines such as “WORLD SHOCKED BY SEX CHANGE” and “Man Nabbed Dressed as Girl”, this is followed by two funny voiced voice-overs telling us how aeroplanes and “au-ti-mobiles” were once the subject of derision. As an example as to why people shouldn’t be shocked by sex changes then it’s certainly inventive. Later on in the movie, seemingly just to narrate yet more stock footage (this movie contains a LOT of that), the lines “The world is a strange place to live in. All those cars, all going someplace, all carrying humans, which are carrying out their lives.” are spoken by Dr. Alton. If anybody can actually tell me the relevance of these words, then I’d appreciate it.

The acting as you’d expect is mostly dreadful, surprisingly the one actor who gives an OK performance is Wood himself. Seeing as though much of Woods performance involves swanning around in angora sweaters, it could be fair to argue that he didn’t do too much in the way of acting though. A few of the other actors went on to star in other Wood movies, so you pretty much know what to expect if you’ve seen any of those.

The strangest moment in this movie is undoubtedly the fifteen-minute nightmare sequence. A mixture of cabaret and S & M plays like a really unsettling What The Butler Saw movie. It starts off making sense, Glen marries Barbara whilst the devil watches them, but it soon devolves into a woman being whipped as she lays on a sofa, another woman rips her dress off, a woman gets bound and gagged on a sofa, a woman brushes her hair, a woman then gets molested by the devil, all watched over by Lugosi. Watching this scene you half expect to receive a phone call at the end of it telling you that you only have seven days left until a scary Japanese ghost crawls out of your TV to kill you.

As a movie this was a bold directorial debut by Wood as he tried to deliver an important message of acceptance with it, but ultimately his ineptitude as a director and writer, and his casting of such awful actors lets him down. But whilst it may be terrible, it’s still good fun to watch and some of the incomprehensible dialog will have you rolling in the aisles with laughter. This movie may not be the greatest thing you’ll ever watch, but it’s by no means anywhere near the worst. So why not crack a beer, put on your best angora sweater and watch it this weekend?

#97 Glen or Glenda (1953) (Colin)

And now we come to the first movie from a director called Edward D. Wood Jr.  Or the 2nd film if you read the Plan 9 From Outer Space review first, which means you are reading this out of order.  Naughty you, but you are forgiven as silly bollocks here wrote them out of order.  Anyway, Ed Wood gained a bit of an unwanted reputation in Hollywood as the worst director of all time.  It certainly is true that he never made an Oscar winning blockbuster, his scripts are hilariously badly written and he would often hire actors that would make the cast of TOWIE seem like seasoned thespians.  But his films have a quirky charm and today, ironically, his work is probably more famous and 'liked', (mainly for the wrong reasons), than they were back in his day.  His name reached mainstream in 1994 in Tim Burton's film of his life 'Ed Wood', played by Johnny Depp.  In a final twist of irony, the film about his life won 2 oscars!

And so film #1 from Ed Wood and #97 on our list, Glen or Glenda (1953).

Glen or Glenda is a semi-autobiographical story about transvestism, starring Ed Wood himself, (under the name Daniel Davis) as Glen / Glenda.  In the 1950's US this would have been a taboo subject and one which would have been met with much prejudice and ridicule.  For this Wood must be applauded, it was a brave decision to make a film tackling this subject.  His aim to explain transvestism and to try to get society to accept it must also be admired.  The thought was well meaning and ahead of it's time, the execution, however was not so well done and unfortunately this film probably led to more ridicule!

Glen or Glenda contains 2 stories, that of Glen who is a transvestite and his inner conflict on whether or not to confess all to his soon to be wife, Barbara, (Dolores Fuller, although a lump of wood would have given a more all round performance) and the shorter story of Alan, ('Tommy' Haynes, who went on to become a best selling author of car manuals), a pseudohermaphrodite who has to undergo a sex change and must resolve whether to become a man or a woman.  Basic good clean fun for all the family.

The film starts with legendary 'Dracula' actor Bela Lugosi playing some sort of God or something.  It really is hard to tell what exactly he is meant to be, (on iMDb he is credited as 'scientist', but I do not think that is correct), but he does play scary rather well.  For those who have read the Plan 9 blog, you will be aware that Lugosi is somewhat of a regular in Ed Wood movies.  In this movie his acting is far superior to that in Plan 9, helped, in no small part, by the fact that he wasn't dead during the filming of this film.  By this stage of his life Lugosi had fallen on hard times and was addicted to drugs such as Morphine.  Whether or not this eased the pain of working with Ed Wood we may never know, but it is generally agreed by critics that dying so as to avoid acting in Plan 9, was a tad extreme.

For the purpose of the blog, I will suggest he is playing the role of God or Creator or such like.  In actual fact the opening bit of this movie, Lugosi reminds me of the neighbours in The Young Ones who were getting warm by a light bulb.  You know, Vivian crashes through the wall and a man and woman are warming their hands by a lamp?  The man then does some weird speech, (that would not go a miss in an Ed Wood film)?  OK, it's a bit obscure, but the picture below might help, (yes our blogs are getting technical these days, we'll be doing links next!).

The speeches in this film are truly awful.  They try to be insightful, cleverly worded and full of imagery and suggestion, but they are just downright bad.  One issue I have is the constant incorrect use of tenses, for example 'A new day is begin', surely this should be 'has begun'?  Or 'The story is begun', which is getting closer but surely it should be 'has begun' or 'is beginning?'.  By now I is frustrating with the lacking of basic grammar stuff.  Shocking.

We are then taken to the scene of an apparent suicide of a man dressed in women's clothing.  Whilst we are not told which constituency this Conservative MP represented we all agree that by dying within the first 5 minutes of the film, he probably maintained a bit of dignity.  The Inspector of this case, (Lyle Talbot), then goes to see Psychologist, Dr Alton, (Timothy Farrell), who then proceeds to tell us the story first of Glen and later of Alan.  Dr Alton acts as the narrator for the film and at least this does work and keeps the film flowing.  Or it would if Lugosi didn't keep 'interupting' at various points in the movie with another monologue.  Often these monologue's are intended to create an atmosphere or image but end up feeling like someone who will insist on talking to you when you are quite clearly trying to watch something or read something.  I hate it when people do that as you become distracted yes OK in a minute 2 sugars please and you lose track of what you are doing.

One such monologue talks of how people scoffed at certain things when they were first suggested.  The aeroplane and Autimobile, (or Automobile for those outside of southern USA) are given as examples.  I can see where Wood was going here, where a suggestion which at first seemed absurd, eventually can become integrated into society and become 'normal'.  What actually happens is it seems to suggest Transvestism was invented fairly recently although the movie does not explain who owns the patent.  Unfortunately the message comes over a bit confused and almost irrelevant, which is a shame as he was making a good point.

Another example of trying to make a good point but delivering a confused message is a comment he makes about the modern woman.  The narrator explains that modern woman is hard working this then cuts to 2 women in an office.  The issue here is that one woman is sitting on the desk clearly just chatting away to the other woman and both are doing not a lot of work.  The narrator might as well as said 'modern woman is skiving in the workplace', (yep, there's that confused grammar thing again).

We are getting a bit serious here, so I will take a quick break to relay a little story about the version of the film I watched.  The version I watched is on YouTube and is in English but with Spanish subtitles.  At one point in the movie Barbara and her work colleague are talking about 'medical science'.  The translation on the Spanish subtitles said 'la medicina llama', which amused me a little.  A llama with a stethoscope, imagine.... suit yourselves.

(Dr Llama yesterday)

Back to the movie and Glen has to decide whether or not to admit all to his fiancee, Barbara.  To illustrate this point and his inner turmoil, Wood treats us to 15 minutes of complete and utter nonsense.  It's hard to explain but it involves whipping, lots of over acting and the devil, (appearing as himself).  Wood probably did this to give us an opportunity to understand the morale dilemma Glen faces, however, I took this as an opportunity to empty my bladder.

Glen does the right thing and admits to Barbara that he is a transvestite and has the alter ego Glenda.  Barbara is very understanding and rushes him to see the Psychologist Dr Alton, (how clever, it all becomes interlinked!).  Dr Alton then takes this opportunity to take a break from Glen's story and to tell the inspector about another of his patients called Alan / Anne.  The story is short, but does take a few minutes and basically involves Alan / Anne, who has both male and female, you know, thingys, (high-brow or what!), and must decide which one to lop off or fill in.  Whilst a semi interesting story, the reason it is told is a bit confusing other than Dr Alton tells the inspector that he relayed the same story to Glen and Barbara.  The next shot is then of Dr Alton telling the story to Glen and Barbara.  I mean literally, he tells the whole blinking story more or less word for word again!

Anyway, Alan decided to become Anne, Barbara accepted who Glen was and everyone has a happy ending.  I was even happier because it was the end.

But I am being a little cruel.  I actually liked the movie and, like Plan 9, it's little quirks, errors and overly elaborate use of language gives it a certain charm that you just can not help smiling at and warming to.  Also, let's not forget the message, which simply is don't judge others, don't be scared of people who lead different lives, try to understand, be tolerant and basically let's all get along.  A fine message, if only Wood could have managed to put this across more clearly and in a structured coherent way, then maybe the movie Ed Wood would not have been the only Ed Wood to get awards and recognition......

#95 Plan 9 From Outer Space (Wes)

#95 Plan 9 From Outer Space

 

Just occasionally in this list, is there not only a film that I’ve seen before, but a film that I genuinely love and this is the first of those. It’s an awful film, the acting is beyond terrible, the sets wobble more than James Corden on a treadmill, the story makes little sense, as does the script and there are more mistakes and contradictions in the movie than there are in an average sentence muttered by Nick Clegg. All of those things added together make for one of the all time most entertaining movies ever made.

 

As far as the story goes, an old man (Bela Lugosi) attends his late wife’s (Vampira) funeral and soon after dies himself. Both of these corpses are reanimated by aliens, in an attempt to destroy mankind (to stop them building a doomsday weapon that would destroy the universe), and they start killing people. The ghouls and the flying saucer sightings, are investigated by the local police (including the Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson as Inspector Daniel Clay) and a pilot, who eventually encounter and confront the invading aliens

 

The film starts with the most bizarre introduction from the psychic The Amazing Criswell. It really is complete nonsense and never fails to crack me up. How can you not love a monologue that contains the lines “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”? Criswell goes on to narrate further parts of the movie, including the cringe worthy death scene of Bela Lugosi (you don’t see Lugosi’s death as it happens off-screen, but it still strikes me as somewhat disrespectful) and the closing speech, which is just as strange as the opening one.

 

After that things continue much along the same lines. Ed Wood had filmed Bela Lugosi for several other unfinished projects before Lugosi died, so using this footage he cobbled together a story. Unfortunately, not only does the story stink, but the actor (actually Ed Woods wife’s chiropractor) who played the ghoul version of him was taller and bore no resemblance, so he has to hold a cape in front of his face throughout the movie. You have to admire the sheer bullheadedness it takes to attempt something like this. I can only guess that this move inspired the makers of soap operas over the world as this move has since been replicated by them time and time again (unfortunately without the face covering).

 

The rest of the acting is just as bad. Tor Johnson can barely even say his lines, muttering them unintelligibly. However as a ghoul he truly comes into his own. His imposing appearance is genuinely creepy and his stiff acting works in his favour. The aliens are the campest aliens to ever invade the Earth. At one point one of them, Eros (Dudley Manlove), gets so over emotional at mankind’s inability to use knowledge responsibly he throws a hissy fit that any eight year old girl would be proud of (this moment is actually my favourite part of the movie, it’s just hilarious).

The sets are shoddy even to B-Movie standards. The same curtain is used as an entrance to an airplane cockpit (obviously the threat of terrorism or even the possibility of a drunk passenger who feels a little dirty didn’t exist back then – not that they could do much damage anyway, as the cockpit doesn’t seem to contain much in the way of equipment anyway) and the background to the alien mothership. The wooden gravestones are tiny in comparison to the actors and the spaceships are just models on fishing line that wobble so much that it looks like the pilots are drunk. There are scenes that jump from day to night. Even the stock footage is shoddy, with one scene showing a radar dish revolving anti-clockwise, then seconds later it’s revolving clockwise.

 

 

The only thing I would like to see this movie address is what exactly plans 1-8 were, and why did they jump to such desperate measures as reviving the dead for plan 9? Surely there were other options that would be a lot less trouble? For any aliens out there who are reading this, I find that trying to settle my differences over a nice pint often helps. Or failing that, then urinating into their kettle gives me at least a sense of petty revenge. Creating an army of ghouls is normally way more trouble than it’s worth.

This movie has been dubbed “The worst movie ever made”, but it doesn’t deserve that title by a longshot. Everything about this movie may be bad, but add it all together and you just can’t help but be charmed by its ineptness. If you want something serious then it obviously isn’t the film for you, but if you want to invite a few friends over for beers and bad movies, then this is one choice of film you won’t regret.

#99 Myra Breckinridge (Wes)

#99 Myra Breckinridge

Before we started this list I’d never heard of this film. I’m sure that many of you reading this won’t have heard of this either, and I’m sorry to you that I’ve killed a small piece of your innocence by making you aware of it’s existence.

Based on a Gore Vidal novel, the film revolves around a film buff, Myron Breckinridge, who gets a sex change to become Myra Breckinridge (Raquel Welch). Claiming to be Myron’s widow, she goes to her Uncle Buck Loner (John Huston), who owns an acting school, and demands inheritance money from him. Buck tries to avoid giving her any money, and gives her a job at his acting school whilst fobbing her off. That’s pretty much it really. Except that it also stars Mae West as a sex obsessed old lady for some reason.

Now I’m sure that the book this was based on is witty, this movie however is not. The sex jokes (and that’s all this movie is, a sexual farce), are actually on a level lower that the Confessions of a….. series. The funniest thing in this movie was a clip from an old Laurel and Hardy film. Surely that’s one of the golden rules of film making; If you’re making a movie don’t put in clips from far better movies. It would be like George Lucas putting clips of The Empire Strikes Back into the Star Wars prequels, all it does is highlight exactly what’s missing from your movie.

There seems to be some good ideas in this movie, but the director (Michael Sarne)just doesn't have the skill to pull them off and ultimately the movie just looks like it was made by a second rate film student. The use of old movie clips to narrate the story could have been quite funny/clever (and was when it was done by the 90s sitcom Dream On), but they're used to much and it just distracts from what is actually happening. So much so that you start to wonder if the studio wanted a longer movie and this was Sarne's only way of achieving this.

If anything this movie will remain infamous for having the first scene of pegging ever to appear in a movie (actually a female on male rape scene). So as a movie it pushed boundaries (this also shows in the fact that it’s the two female leads who are the main sexual predators, tossing aside their conquests as soon as they’re finished with them), but this doesn’t make up for all its failings.

Mae West actually came out of retirement to make this movie and you wonder why she bothered. The script is just painfully bad, Mae’s lines being amongst the worst, and seeing her deliver such awful sexual innuendos is just cringe-worthy. Not nearly as painful to watch as her singing Hard to Handle though (check it out on YouTube, you seriously can’t imagine how bad it really is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aD1hdlLQXkc).

Overall this is a pretty confused movie. It seems to lack any cohesive direction and spends too much of it’s time trying to either be a lot cleverer than it is, or just trying to shock it’s audience. Raquel Welch gives a decent performance, but sadly her best acting still isn’t brilliant. All I can conclude from all of this is that Myra Breckinridge would be a lot higher up on this list if people had actually heard of it.

#99 Myra Breckinridge (1970) (Colin)

In 1968, Gore Vidal's novel 'Myra Breckinridge' was released. Controversial at the time it explored sexuality and attitudes to sex, Americana and for some reason the film industry. Critics were split, some claimed it was pornography hiding behind a facade of raising taboo issues, others counter claimed that it opened up a debate challenging outdated attitudes and exploring new ideas and views. In 1970 Michael Sarne's film version of Myra Breckinridge finally managed to unite the critics. They all agreed it was absolute donkey doo doo.

Yes, #99 on our worse movie list, Myra Breckinridge (1970).

The plot in Myra Breckinridge is as difficult to find as a chocolate raisin in a vat full of rabbit poo. There is so much unnecessary gumpth, (don't think that's a word), in it, that the story and indeed Gore Vidal's original message are completely lost. I think it's about a bloke called Myron, (Rex Reed), who has a sex change to become Myra, (played forgettably by Raquel Welch), who then attempts to take half the estate of a film training school run by her Uncle Buck, (John Huston), (and oh my god, I wished I had watched Uncle Buck instead), whilst trying to destroy masculinity and men in general, (no idea why, maybe one took the last purple sweet from her quality street tin. That is pretty annoying). The rest is just filler.

And what a lot of filler there is. The movie is littered with clips from old movies. In the 90's there was a US sitcom called Dream On, which pretty much did the same thing. For Dream On it enhanced how the main character was feeling and was often humorous and added to the program. In Myra Breckinridge, they are trying to do the same thing but it just makes me want to watch the old movies! One of the first clips, confusingly is of One Million BC with Raquel Welsh! Why the hell is it here? I think Sarne was trying to put across the beginning of woman, or Myra in this case and her first steps into her journey against male domination. I thought I'd rather watch One Million Years BC, (teenage lads, sorry but Raquel keeps it on in this movie. You'll have to watch a late night Channel 5 movie, Nuts magazine or sit on a warm seat on a bus).

There are clips from Laurel and Hardy, Zorro and an old British movie I don't know, but which involved a cricket ball hitting someone on the head, (slapstick style, not maiming!), which actually made me laugh out loud. The other clips should not be better and funnier than the film, but sadly they are and are a constant reminder that out of all the good movies out there, my life is being wasted watching this one!

The film starts well, however. Myron is in a futuristic looking hospital theatre getting ready for his sex change operation. A crowd is watching and applauding at odd moments. This scene reminds me very much of The Prisoner TV series from the 60's (as far as I'm aware there was no remake. No, listen, there was NO remake). In the background a women cracks a whip, the young nurse chews gum and winks and the doctor walks in smoking a spliff. In many ways just like any NHS trust hospitals of today. Off its popped and so we begin.

The rest of the film is then a muddled mess. It tries to be arty and clever but comes over as poncy and confused. The old clips mingle with lousy dialogue. The whole feel of the movie is like you are watching it on a VHS cassette and some bastard has taped 30 second clips over it every 5 minutes. The editing is poor, the sound just awful. It is claimed Sarne spent hours filming minute details, for example a table of food which barely features and is not important which led to delays and going over budget. Sarne really should have gone back to basics and just learnt how to load a clapper board or something.

The acting is also atrocious made worse by the fact it has household names! The worst of a dire bunch is Mae West. Her first film in 27 years, she should have left it another 27. She plays Leticia Van Allen, a sex mad agent who shags all her male clients. The males presumably hoping this leads to major roles, Mae West probably just keeping the cobwebs off. It is undoubtably her voice which riles me the most. At first I thought it was a bit W.C. Fields. Wes then said it was like T-Bag from the 80's ITV show, (the 2nd older actress who played T-bag). I then saw Red Dwarf series 2 and I think she now sounds like the female Rimmer, especially when the female Rimmer says, 'my little cupcake'! Either way, it grates like a barbed wire coated in lemon juice.

Then, there are her constant smutty jokes. I love Carry On films but West should Carry On Off The Pier. Some of her 'gems' include, '6ft 7 inches, lets talk about the 7 inches' and 'policeman's balls er I mean party', classic! There's also a film called beaver galore and a joke about banana split with nuts, but I'll spare you.

I did laugh at two bits though. One when an actor lovingly hugs a French baguette and says 'BERead' and one when a character called Rusty walks up some stairs, and an actor dressed as a cowboy goes 'bang bang' to which Rusty says 'fuck off'. YouTube these and forget the other 90 odd minutes!

Other recognisable names in the film are Farrah Fawcett and Tom Selleck. Both were young and both had small parts, (if I was Mae West there would be a joke. But I'm not. So I won't (FNARR FNARR)). Fortunately this meant their careers did not go down the swanny. At last something good about the film! I do not want to live in a world without Charlie's Angels and Magnum PI!

The best actor in the whole film though appears early on in the movie. His performance outshines everyone, especially in a scene he shares with uncle Buck and Myra, on Myra's first visit to the film school. Yep, uncle bucks horse is fantastic, despite being dead and stuffed. I look forward to more of his work.

The ending involves pegging and should really be a powerful piece of cinema. However, by now I'm so confused about Myra, Rusty has mumbled and whinged for what seems like forever and so I've lost all interest in him and the scene itself is sent up with old clips, (surprise!), Myra dressed as a knight and then on top of a battering ram and the whole scene is basically like the film, confused, not clever and poorly executed.

What really pisses me off though, what really gets on my goat, horse, cow and whole damn farm, what angers me beyond belief is that it's a dream. Yep, it's a fucking dream and I've wasted a couple of hours of my life!

The only good thing to come out of this movie is that whilst Wes and I were live tweeting this movie, our friend Jo suggested we do this blog. I'm enjoying doing these blogs, (what are you complaining about, it's free isn't it!), so to Jo I say a big thank you. To Myra, I say a big fuck you! The cover of the DVD says 'Meet Myra Breckinridge, you'll never forget her' and they are right, for all the wrong reasons.

#95 Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959) (Colin)

So we've gone from #96 to #100 and now we go to #95. Just think of me as a blog Dr. Sam Beckett, leaping from blog to blog and hoping the next blog, will be the blog home. That made no sense. Anyhoo, like it or not we have leapt forward to #95, and the 2nd film from Ed Wood, (off course you would not know that as his first film in the list and #98 has not been written up yet!), Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959).

As mentioned on previous blogs, a TV show which Wes and I love and which kinda inspired this list was a program called Mystery Science Theater 3000, (often abbreviated to MST3K). The show was about a human called Joel / Mike, (depending on which season it was), who would be forced to watch bad movies for reasons not really important at the moment. He and 2 robots would, in an attempt to keep their sanity whilst watching these films, take the piss out of them. The result is like a DVD which has the directors commentary switched on but which the director is poking fun at the movie, (please check MST3K out on you tube.  It's not to everyone's suiting, but if you like it you'll end up loving it).  I mention this because a film which was never done by MST3K, but which would have worked very well with the show's format was Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Plan 9 From Outer Space is a stereotypical 'B' movie.  Aliens come to earth to try to stop humans from creating a weapon which would destroy the universe.  And that basically is it.  Well there is a little bit more, but not much.  Plan 9 is actually the plan by the aliens to resurrect the dead in an attempt to scare the humans into listening to the aliens and to stop developing these weapons.  Plan 8 was a petition, Plan 7 was a strongly worded letter, Plan 6 was a car boot sale and so on.

The film starts well.  When one of the actors is called 'Dudley Manlove', you know you are in for a treat.  A narrator starts to tell us the story in a very serious manner indeed.  In fact, this is one of the joys of this film is that it tries to take it's self very seriously, which in turns sends itself up.  What follows is then 1hr and 19 minutes of bad acting, bad storyline and bad sets.

Let's take the set for the cockpit of the aeroplane for example.  It consists of 2 chairs, a shower curtain and 2 wooden actors.  To make matters worse, the shower curtain is quite clearly used again for the interior of the mother ship and the cockpit is rearranged slightly and becomes the inside of the flying saucer!  The graveyard has the worlds smallest church, (well the entrance, unfortunately the main building seems a bit, 'missing').  This brings us on nicely to the special effects.  The flying saucers are hub caps suspended on a fishing line, (giving Lucasfilms nothing to worry about) and the mother ship resembles a boob.  When the army are firing at the flying saucers, you expect the pictures of the firing rockets to have 'file footage' in the corner.

The aliens are a bit crap as well.  Humanoid, (yawn), English speaking, (this is cleverly explained though by a universal language translator, which fortunately for us, has just been developed so we can understand them) and they are as butch as Alan Carr reading poetry in a ruff.  The alien greeting is a bit funny too and reminds me of the little greeting dance by the Three Amigos in the film of the same name.  The inside of the mother ship is one big curtain, (as mentioned earlier), which means that aliens entering and exiting looks a bit 'Morecambe and Wise'.

The story teeters along with the aliens resurrecting the dead.  The dead then set about scaring the locals.  One of the dead is played by Bela Lugosi, the famous actor from the 30's and 40's who starred in many horror films, notably as Dracula.  His character is very much similar to Dracula and had Bela Lugosi not been dead whilst the majority of the movie was shot, probably would have given a very strong performance in a role he knows well.  You do have to admire Ed Wood though, the death of one of your big name stars, would deter most directors, but not Ed Wood.  Simply hire an actor who looks a very tiny little bit like him, get him to cover half of his face with his cape whenever he is on screen and insert some footage of Bela Lugosi which was intended for another film and bang, who notices?

I must note though, that Tor Johnson's zombie is fantastic.  He looks scary, moves well and plays the part brilliantly.  His features and build made this a good, (but rare), choice of casting by Ed Wood.  The rest of the cast play zombies incredibly well also.  The only problem being is that they were not meant to be playing zombies.

The final showdown between the aliens and the humans is brilliant.  The alien, who now definitely has the humans attention, uses his big moment to impress on the human race the error they are making and how they could inadvertently destroy the entire universe, by having what can only be described as 'a hissy fit'.  'You're idiots' he whinges, 'stupid stupid stupid'.  I mean, you can't argue with reasoned logic like that, could you?

And so the poor aliens could not convince the humans otherwise, their ship catches fire and they are killed as their flying saucer explodes.  And then you feel sorry for the aliens.  You see, their cause was a good cause, to stop stupid humans destroying themselves and the universe.  I won't bore you with the science behind it, (unfortunately the film does), but it basically involves harnessing the sun's rays to cause a big explosion which would also destroy the sun.  This, the aliens claim, would destroy the universe.  The universe in 1959 only consisting of 1 star, our sun apparently.  But whilst their methods were a bit, out of this world, (do you see what I did there?), it was only because us 'idiot' humans were not listening and so they went to extremes to get our attention.  This then makes me not give a tinker's cuss about any of the humans and I rather wish by the end of the film, that the aliens had just found another sun, (if they looked, I'm sure they could have found another) and left the stupid humans to kill themselves, (or a least the character's in the movie).

I hope by now that you realise that I am playfully mocking this film, because in truth, I absolutely love it.  When I think of the dirge I have had to watch so far, this film has been like a breath of fresh air.  But this is because I love 2 things, old sci-fi low budget movies and MST3K.  It is a real shame that MST3K never did this film as it is one of those films where you need a few mates, some beer and then you can all watch together and invite every one to make sarky comments throughout the movie.  (The makers of MST3K have subsequently done a version, but now their 'show' is called 'Rifftrax' and they have 'riffed' Plan 9 From Outer Space.  I have not seen it, and it is only available online, but they are good at what they do and I think it will be very good).

Now this premise does not translate well on this blog, nor did it translate too well on the live twitter commentary Wes and I did of the film.  For example I tweeted, 'I wanna suck, your blood and I'd give that 10 mins if I was you'.  This tweet makes no sense, nor does it here until I have to explain that in the scene I'm referring too, the vampire character enters the bedroom with his cape covering his face and approaches the scared women who is on the bed.  In my mind it looks like he was using his cape to cover a bad smell and that he was coming to the bedroom fresh out of the loo.  Sometimes gags don't work written down and you have 'to be there'.  The laughter and fun you can get out of this movie, definitely falls into that category.

And so, very early on in this list, I am going to break a rule.  I usually watch these films so you don't have to, but I encourage you and your friends to get together, have a bevvy and to give this film the full MST3K experience.  Then you will enjoy it on so many levels....................

#100 Biodome. (Wes)

#100 Biodome.

For the first movie (just scraping in at number 100) Colin started without me. This is where the beer kicked in and I decided that I would like to be a part of this debacle, so going home after six or seven ciders I found Biodome on YouTube and promptly fell asleep in front of it. Queue the hangover and attempt number two….

Now I love watching bad movies with a hangover, who wants to watch something cerebral when all you want to concentrate on is keeping your stomach from performing in-body acrobatics? The thing is, the movies I like to watch in these situations normally have large sea creatures in them or mad people in masks killing promiscuous teenagers or at the very least explosions and silly men shooting guns at each other. Biodome has none of these….

This “comedy” film from 1996 is basically about two slacker best friends (Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin), accidentally getting trapped in a Biodome, that is due to stay hermetically sealed for a year. Of course this leads to havoc as the party animals clash with the scientists working in the dome. Eventually the two losers find themselves learning that protecting the environment is important, whilst the scientists learn that life isn’t supposed to be serious all the time and that partying is important too. Throw in a lot of toilet humour, some sexual innuendo and Kylie Minogue and that pretty much sums up the movie.

This movie wasn’t ALL bad. It has Kylie (and her marvellous bottom), Joey Lauren Adams (there’s just something about her voice that is so bloody sexy) and the first screen appearance of Tenacious D. That’s pretty much it though.

I normally love a bit of toilet humour, fart gags when they’re done well can make me laugh louder and deeper than anything else I know. Unfortunately the script feels like it’s been written by a school kid, as the humour is barely even at that level and Pauly Shore is a terrible actor, with the same amount of charm as a room full of PE teachers. Maybe if he had a smaller role to play like Tom Green did in Road Trip, you could perhaps appreciate his humour a little more, but when he’s the lead actor, you just want to gouge your eyes out with whatever object is closest to hand (in my case a comb) and stuff them in your ears so you can’t hear his whiny voice any longer.

Apparently there was a rumour that this was originally meant to be a third Bill and Ted movie (Alex Winter denied this), but I think that was only said to try to make these unlikeable idiots more appealing. It didn’t work. Neither did the environmental message which just made me want to chop down rainforests so I could shout “Fuck you” into the face of the director. (What is it with environmental message movies being so poor? And why do I have to watch so many of them on this list?)

Rather than help cure my hangover, this movie just left me feeling slightly dirty having watched this (again. I admit I once watched this in the early 2000s. It was worse than I remembered). It’s not as bad as some movies I’ve watched, some are on the list, some aren’t, but I can only imagine the people who actually like this movie are pretty much exactly the same stoners that were portrayed. And Pauly Shores nan. Oh well. Things can only go downhill from here…..

#100 Bio-Dome (1996) (Colin)

If you're sitting comfortably we'll begin.  Well actually I will begin anyway because I typed this way before you sat down to read this so it's not like I'll pause or anything.  OK, you've got a few seconds.  Better? OK, so we can now kick off the top 100 worse movies as voted for by no-one, but as assembled by me, one bored lunchtime from various lists.  We begin logically, (unless off course you noticed out first blog was #96, in which case whoopty woo you, I bet you think you're clever or something) with #100 Bio-Dome (1996).

For those of you growing up in the late 80's / early 90's, you will know that MTV used to show music videos. (The clue was in the channels name, 'Music' TV, not 'moronic mind numbing reality shit TV' (that would have been MMNRSTV, nowhere near as catchy!)). You would probably also then be familiar with the 'star' of Bio-Dome, Pauly Shore. Shore was an MTV VJ during this time and even had his own show such was his popularity, especially in the USA.  He became globally known through his character Stoney Brown in the movie California Man (1992) and his career grew from strength to strength, (I have no idea how, but California Man is not on our list, in my opinion an awful, awful movie). Personally, I've never been a fan of Pauly Shore, although I must be fair to him as he is only the 3rd worse Shore on MTV, (#2 Jersey, #1 Geordie).

In 1996 he decided that a successful career was not for him and so set about destroying it by making Bio-Dome. Plotwise it involves 2 drop out stoner dudes who accidentally get trapped in a Bio-Dome which is subsequently sealed for 1 year as part of an experiment into sustaining a mini Eco system with 'hilarious' consequences. It's kind of what Bill and Ted's Excellent adventure would have been like if Channel 5 had made it. But with less talent and production values.

Unfortunately it's hard not to compare Bud and Doyle from Bio-Dome with Bill and Ted. They are similar ages, both Californian surfer stoned types, drop outs and under achievers. There is, however, one slight difference. Bill and Ted, though not bright and wasters, are characters you grow to care about, even like and you really want them to succeed by the end of the movie. Bud and Doyle, on the other hand, you want to punch in the face repeatedly until they become a bloodied pulp! (And I don't condone violence, but even the Dali Lama would go crazy ape shit on these morons).  Bud (Shore) and Doyle (played by the versatile actor, Stephen Baldwin) really fail to connect with the audience or unfortunately a claw hammer.

The acting is very poor in this move, which is surprising as it is well known that Stephen Baldwin comes from an acting family. His brother, Mike, is probably best known for his role in ITV1's 'Coronation Street'.  After a recent spell in the UK Celebrity Big Brother, Stephen is now best known for bashing his bible.  Not to dissimilar, in Bio-Dome, he likes to bash his bishop. And choke the chicken, shake hands with his best friend, take out Mrs. Palm and her 5 lovely daughters, play the flesh flute, pink oboe, etc. I know, that sentence went on way too long and was basically the same thing said over and over again. You now get an idea of exactly what Bio-Dome is like.

I'm very high brow and enjoy a good fart and knob gag as much as the next professor. But when it's constantly forced down your throat, (metaphorically), over and over again for 90 minutes it really starts to grate. But it did not need to be like that.  The opening few minutes has good slap stick, physical comedy and decent gags mixed with toilet gags. The problem is that this formula is then rinsed and repeated, with nothing new to offer for the entire movie. There are lines that show Shore can write some decent comedy.  For example there is a running gag about the "Chipmunk fire of 1979" in which Bud and Doyle describe how a Chipmunk ingested fertilizer in their neighbourhood, caught alight and managed to burn down the street.  This is referenced later by one of the scientists, (can't remember who, should have made notes!), when Bud and Doyle are accused off causing more destruction than the Chipmunk fire of 1979.  Doesn't sound clever or funny here, but works in the film.  Unfortunately, rather than keeping running gags or witty one liners, the film quickly goes back to relying on farts and burp gags for it's humour.

There are a lot of famous names in this film.  Kylie Minogue, for example, but neither her nor her bottom could save this film.  She is quoted as saying Bio-Dome is the only film which she regrets.  Someone may have to remind her she was also in Street Fighter (1994).  Fortunately Wes and I will as that wonderful film made it into our list!  There is also Jack Black and Kyle Glass who appear as their band Tenacious D in the film.  In actual fact they are good, albeit for a very brief appearance (overall the soundtrack is very good and includes Reverend Horton Heat, Faith No More and The Ramones).  Penn and Teller also make a background appearance at the very end, (although they look like they have wandered onto set by accident and desperately want to find their way out again!).  But none of these names / cameo appearances could save this film and all look like they are desperately trying to remember how drunk they actually were, before they agreed to take part.

I must, however, make a confession.  I actually quite liked it.  It will never be purchased on DVD, I will never make time for it again and I won't invite people round for a Bio-Dome party.  But the truth is I did laugh in places, it was so stupid that I did not have to think for 90 minutes and because of that I could wind down, relax and almost, (gulp) enjoy it.  So I will conclude with this, Bio-Dome is not a good film in fact it's shit, you'll hate the characters and will never want to see it on purpose.  But there will come a day, probably one Sunday morning, post 10 pints, several shots and a very large greasy kebab, (chili sauce please), when one of the movie channels will be showing a movie dedicated to the memory of the career of Pauly Shore.  It'll be Bio-Dome and you will not change the channel, you will secretly enjoy it and forget how crap you feel this morning.  Bio-Dome has one purpose and one purpose only, it is a very good hangover film, (and besides you can sky+ Hollyoakes and watch that afterwards anyway).

#96 Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991) (Colin)

The director walked out of the screening after 15 minutes, Christopher Lambert threatened to quit filming and the studio interfered so much, the result was confused, incoherent and downright bad! So at #96 on our worst movie list, how bad is Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991)?

For some reason, probably money, studios in the late 80's / early 90's starting churning out film franchises using eco issues to save the bloody planet. The stupid humpback whale in Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home (1986) or the Cold War and nuclear disarmament in Superman 4, The Quest for Peace, (1987), (which appears later in our list and rightly so) and also, Highlander 2. Their mission to protect earth from the depleting ozone layer! My mission, to save you 1 hour 49 mins of your life by watching it so you don't have to!

Trying to explain the plot is tricky as it has more holes in it than a leaky bucket of polo mints on a golf course, but I'll try. Highlander helps build a shield around earth to protect it from the harmful sun rays, ozone repairs itself, greedy corp don't tell anyone and continue to hold world to ransom to keep the shield, Highlander destroys the shield, I smash the telly up in frustration. This is basic and incomplete as is the movie. Also like the movie I'm going to jump around a bit with the plot to give you the full Highlander 2 experience!

The first thing I don't get is why this immortal person, (or alien in the original version. Seriously wtf?) who becomes mortal decide to go into engineering on a massive scale. How did he get the job?

INTERVIEWER: So Mr MacLoed, we require someone with an engineering background who has experience in grand projects and design and who has an advanced knowledge of physics and electronics. Tell me, what did you do in your last job?

HIGHLANDER: Chop people's heads off!

(Audible squeaky trump sound)

INTERVIEWER: (shaking) When can you start?

Also I don't really understand why he stays and gets old rather than going home and staying immortal. Hang on, only one could return, ah maybe that's it, Katana returned, he couldn't, I would check but that would mean watching it again. Funny, I don't remember Katana returning, but they were exiled together, oh I give up.

Lambert gives an ok performance as Highlander but you can really see he's heart's not in it. You can see he is trying to work out how to fire his agent rather than give any notable performance. He also spends the first 20 minutes sounding like Baron Greenback from Dangermouse. That coupled with Ironside's (not the wheel chaired Perry Mason), passable impression of Optimus Prime, it really is difficult to concentrate on the dialogue. A blessing for all.

Being immortal doesn't mean being a great lover though as Highlanders 20 odd second shagging of only just met 'terrorist' Louise Marcus, demonstrated. Why was this brief bit of nooky in this film? It surely wasn't to pad the movie out. Highlander spends longer buying a drink than lovemaking in the movie! Also he appears to share the same hairdo as Louise, budget's so tight only 1 hairstyle was permitted.

Talking of physics, (I was, look up a few lines at the interview), Katana must have missed out on building the shield gig as he has no concept of physics. The underground train Katana hijacks, which clearly shows doing 800 Mph, smashes through a brick wall with about as much power as Dale Winton shooing a wasp and comes to a stop a few feet later! One of many bad errors, some of which include the blue car which seems to repair itself, a man turning to a dummy when thrown out a window and me watching the movie.

The dummy by the way, (in more ways than one) was David Blake, the nasty corp guy, played by John C. McGinley. And oh my god newbie, can he play any other characters. It's like, ok I'll play like Dr. Cox in Scrubs, d'uh Barbie. That's harsh, I like him. But not in this film Susan.

The only real winner was Sean Connery who raked in $3.5 million for 10 mins on screen. I see why George Lazenby was keen to fill in Sir Sean's shoes once more. Or was that another film?

In summary, a poorly executed hash of a film which you should avoid. When Highlander 3 went into production, the writers and directors decided to write the story completely forgetting that Highlander 2 ever happened. This is sound advice which we should all take.



('He's right, why oh why did we agree to do this movie?')

#96 Highlander 2: The Quickening. (Wes)

Before I start, I know this is film number 96, and that reviews for #100 - #97 haven’t been uploaded yet, but we only decided to start this blog a few days back, so we have a little catching up to do. This will happen soon, I promise

#96 Highlander 2: The Quickening.

Firstly, I would like to say that I saw this movie when it was first released on video back in the early nineties. The thing is though, I didn’t remember anything about it before I watched it again last night, and I only know I’d definitely seen it before after I’d watched it last night as I remembered Viginia Madsen in it. That’s it. That’s how unmemorable a film can be. If I didn’t write this review today, I’m sure that my brain would wipe the film from my memory again, possibly as some form of defence mechanism.

Anyway, the movie… 

As far as the plot goes, this is it (or at least what I could make out of it). Conner MacLeod having proved himself to be the best at lopping heads off in the first movie has been allowed to grow old. During his mortal years he somehow becomes a brilliant engineer and helps make a machine that shields earth from the suns radiation that is leaking through a damaged ozone layer. Meanwhile General Katana (Michael Ironside) is in the past where Conner MacLeod was banished from and he’s pissed off that he isn’t dying fast enough (or something along those lines, I never did work out why he bothered to come back to kill an old man). So some assassins and then Katana himself come to the future to kill him. But MacLeod gets help from Ramirez (Sean Connery) again, who I’m sure I remember dying in the first one, and a plucky young “terrorist” Louise (Madsen) as he tries to stay alive and destroyed the shield he created. Oh and some of them are aliens or something. I got confused.

Now, being a crude man, my first remark on Twitter was about the lady singing opera right at the beginning of the movie. I was hoping that she’d be the stereotypical opera singer and that it would all be over. Alas she was quite a thin lady, which coincidentally tied in nicely with the plot, as that was so thin it was practically see through. I may have just been looking through the holes in the plot though, the ones that were bigger than the holes in the ozone layer that Connor was supposed to have plugged. At least with ozone holes you can cover up, stick on some factor 100 sunscreen, a wide brimmed hat and you can avoid the danger (I’m guessing – don’t take this as health advice). These plot holes weren't nearly as avoidable and just left you scratching your head trying to work out what the hell was going on or how any of this was possible after the first movie.

Speaking of the environmental angle of this film… Why? I know this was a popular topic around the time, Star Trek 4, Captain Planet, MTV’s “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem” environmental videos, which were all fine, but this really seemed like they picked something out of a hat to fill in the non sword fighting bits. Rather than make me care about the environment, it made me want to burn rainforests because of the small off chance that the tree’s in them may one day be made into paper that gets used as an inlay cover in a Highlander 2 DVD.

Anyway, nobody has ever watched a Highlander film for the messages, people watch them for sword fights. "So what about them?" I hear you all crying at me…. A bit shit really. There’s one that’s conducted whilst one assassin (with a laugh like one the weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit), wears some metal wings/hang glider type contraption and MacLeod uses a hover-board (very similar to the Back to the Future 2 ones) which could have been very entertaining. But it’s just boring. They spend so long flying at each other, just for one clash of swords before they fly at each other again, that you quickly lose interest. None of the rest of the fights even slightly compare to the fights in the original movie. Seriously, what’s the point of making a movie where immortals have to chop each others heads off if you can’t even make that bit engaging?

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. But I don’t think so. Once again Sean Connery plays the only Spaniard to have a thicker Edinburgh accent than John Leslie. Christopher Lambert does the most annoying old man voice for the first 20 minutes or so (thank you to Colin for pointing out that he sounded just like Baron greenback from Danger Mouse – it was really bugging me). Michael Ironside (who I normally really like), wasn’t a patch on The Kurgan for meanness and Virginia Madsen doesn’t really seem to have a role to play in the movie at all. She only seems to be there for the eye candy factor.

Truthfully, it's not the worst movie I've seen, it has a few amusing scenes that stopped it being utterly terrible (the train sequence where Katana kills the passengers by making the train go REALLY FAST was strangely compelling). but there is no way I'd ever watch it again. If you're curious about how crappy this movie is, then I'd remind you that this is a sequel and you'd be much better off just watching the original again.

I’ll finish this with the last tweet I sent on this film in our Twitter live mock last night:In Highlander they kept saying "there can be only one", I just wish they followed that thinking....

Colin and Wes watch 100 bad movies… The story so far

7th Jan 2013 we began our journey and I promised Wes I'd add some comments onto our front page.

2 years later and I finally did.......
 
A long time ago, in a flat far, far away, lived two young men who spent their Sundays in a state which could be best described as “bleurgh”.  Thankfully there was a TV show on the Sci-fi channel which helped them through these monstrous hangovers, not just with detached staring, but with hoots of laughter and joyous heckling. That show was Mystery Science Theatre 3000.  (And of course Bullseye)

For those who don’t know this show, its basic premise is a man is trapped on a spaceship and is forced to watch the worst movies ever made, (MST3K, not Bullseye). He does this with the aid of two robot friends who help him through his ordeal by taking the piss out of the movies. It sounds terrible when anyone describes it, I know, but just watch it (there’s loads of episodes on YouTube), and you’ll fall in love with it I’m sure.

Back to Colin and Wes….. Many years after these halcyon days, Colin looked back upon them with such joyous wonderment that he decided that watching the worst movies ever made and then taking the piss out of them was a feat worthy of only the most foolhardy of couch potatoes. (I must admit I had consumed a lot of medium strength lager and in hindsight, I probably shouldn’t make rash decisions when slightly squiffy).  So combining several lists of the 100 worst movies ever made, and using the ratings on IMDB to finalise the running order, he came up with 100 films he would watch so you don’t have to.

And Wes’ involvement in this? Well he was drunk and thought it would be funny to say he’d join in and watch them all too. Fool.  (Agreed!).

So sit back and enjoy the reviews. A few have already been watched, so the first reviews will all go up pretty quickly. From then on in it’ll be pretty much weekly. Probably. Depending on hangovers.  (*Update* We have now seen 50+ movies, have written 100+ reviews and had many, many hangovers.).