#99 Myra Breckinridge (1970) (Colin)

In 1968, Gore Vidal's novel 'Myra Breckinridge' was released. Controversial at the time it explored sexuality and attitudes to sex, Americana and for some reason the film industry. Critics were split, some claimed it was pornography hiding behind a facade of raising taboo issues, others counter claimed that it opened up a debate challenging outdated attitudes and exploring new ideas and views. In 1970 Michael Sarne's film version of Myra Breckinridge finally managed to unite the critics. They all agreed it was absolute donkey doo doo.

Yes, #99 on our worse movie list, Myra Breckinridge (1970).

The plot in Myra Breckinridge is as difficult to find as a chocolate raisin in a vat full of rabbit poo. There is so much unnecessary gumpth, (don't think that's a word), in it, that the story and indeed Gore Vidal's original message are completely lost. I think it's about a bloke called Myron, (Rex Reed), who has a sex change to become Myra, (played forgettably by Raquel Welch), who then attempts to take half the estate of a film training school run by her Uncle Buck, (John Huston), (and oh my god, I wished I had watched Uncle Buck instead), whilst trying to destroy masculinity and men in general, (no idea why, maybe one took the last purple sweet from her quality street tin. That is pretty annoying). The rest is just filler.

And what a lot of filler there is. The movie is littered with clips from old movies. In the 90's there was a US sitcom called Dream On, which pretty much did the same thing. For Dream On it enhanced how the main character was feeling and was often humorous and added to the program. In Myra Breckinridge, they are trying to do the same thing but it just makes me want to watch the old movies! One of the first clips, confusingly is of One Million BC with Raquel Welsh! Why the hell is it here? I think Sarne was trying to put across the beginning of woman, or Myra in this case and her first steps into her journey against male domination. I thought I'd rather watch One Million Years BC, (teenage lads, sorry but Raquel keeps it on in this movie. You'll have to watch a late night Channel 5 movie, Nuts magazine or sit on a warm seat on a bus).

There are clips from Laurel and Hardy, Zorro and an old British movie I don't know, but which involved a cricket ball hitting someone on the head, (slapstick style, not maiming!), which actually made me laugh out loud. The other clips should not be better and funnier than the film, but sadly they are and are a constant reminder that out of all the good movies out there, my life is being wasted watching this one!

The film starts well, however. Myron is in a futuristic looking hospital theatre getting ready for his sex change operation. A crowd is watching and applauding at odd moments. This scene reminds me very much of The Prisoner TV series from the 60's (as far as I'm aware there was no remake. No, listen, there was NO remake). In the background a women cracks a whip, the young nurse chews gum and winks and the doctor walks in smoking a spliff. In many ways just like any NHS trust hospitals of today. Off its popped and so we begin.

The rest of the film is then a muddled mess. It tries to be arty and clever but comes over as poncy and confused. The old clips mingle with lousy dialogue. The whole feel of the movie is like you are watching it on a VHS cassette and some bastard has taped 30 second clips over it every 5 minutes. The editing is poor, the sound just awful. It is claimed Sarne spent hours filming minute details, for example a table of food which barely features and is not important which led to delays and going over budget. Sarne really should have gone back to basics and just learnt how to load a clapper board or something.

The acting is also atrocious made worse by the fact it has household names! The worst of a dire bunch is Mae West. Her first film in 27 years, she should have left it another 27. She plays Leticia Van Allen, a sex mad agent who shags all her male clients. The males presumably hoping this leads to major roles, Mae West probably just keeping the cobwebs off. It is undoubtably her voice which riles me the most. At first I thought it was a bit W.C. Fields. Wes then said it was like T-Bag from the 80's ITV show, (the 2nd older actress who played T-bag). I then saw Red Dwarf series 2 and I think she now sounds like the female Rimmer, especially when the female Rimmer says, 'my little cupcake'! Either way, it grates like a barbed wire coated in lemon juice.

Then, there are her constant smutty jokes. I love Carry On films but West should Carry On Off The Pier. Some of her 'gems' include, '6ft 7 inches, lets talk about the 7 inches' and 'policeman's balls er I mean party', classic! There's also a film called beaver galore and a joke about banana split with nuts, but I'll spare you.

I did laugh at two bits though. One when an actor lovingly hugs a French baguette and says 'BERead' and one when a character called Rusty walks up some stairs, and an actor dressed as a cowboy goes 'bang bang' to which Rusty says 'fuck off'. YouTube these and forget the other 90 odd minutes!

Other recognisable names in the film are Farrah Fawcett and Tom Selleck. Both were young and both had small parts, (if I was Mae West there would be a joke. But I'm not. So I won't (FNARR FNARR)). Fortunately this meant their careers did not go down the swanny. At last something good about the film! I do not want to live in a world without Charlie's Angels and Magnum PI!

The best actor in the whole film though appears early on in the movie. His performance outshines everyone, especially in a scene he shares with uncle Buck and Myra, on Myra's first visit to the film school. Yep, uncle bucks horse is fantastic, despite being dead and stuffed. I look forward to more of his work.

The ending involves pegging and should really be a powerful piece of cinema. However, by now I'm so confused about Myra, Rusty has mumbled and whinged for what seems like forever and so I've lost all interest in him and the scene itself is sent up with old clips, (surprise!), Myra dressed as a knight and then on top of a battering ram and the whole scene is basically like the film, confused, not clever and poorly executed.

What really pisses me off though, what really gets on my goat, horse, cow and whole damn farm, what angers me beyond belief is that it's a dream. Yep, it's a fucking dream and I've wasted a couple of hours of my life!

The only good thing to come out of this movie is that whilst Wes and I were live tweeting this movie, our friend Jo suggested we do this blog. I'm enjoying doing these blogs, (what are you complaining about, it's free isn't it!), so to Jo I say a big thank you. To Myra, I say a big fuck you! The cover of the DVD says 'Meet Myra Breckinridge, you'll never forget her' and they are right, for all the wrong reasons.