Our next movie was written by and stars Mariah Carey. I have to admit I am no fan of Mariah Carey
and do not know much about her or her work.
I do know that she is regarded as a diva which to me is a polite way of
saying she’s a heartless bitch who stomps around acting like she owns the
place. I don’t care how famous or
successful someone is, I have no time for people who think they can treat
others like shit just because they’ve shifted a couple of records.
I am no fan of her music either, (I would rather smash rusty
6” nails into the little fella), so it is fair to say Ms Carey has got off to a
bad start with me without having to potentially ruin my Tuesday evening with
her self-obsessed movie project. But, I
put all of that behind me and watched it anyway so that you don’t have to.
The film is set in the 1980s and centres on dancer and
wannabe singer, Billie Frank, (Mariah Carey).
Billie has a tough start to life and was abandoned by her mother who put
Billie into a foster home. She becomes
friends and grows up with Louise, (Da Brat) and Roxanne, (Tia Texada) and they
all become club dancers.
The trio get the opportunity to become backing singers for a
singer called Sylk, (Padma Lakshmi).
Whilst recording the single, the producers notice that Billie’s voice is
far stronger than Sylk’s and so up Billie’s vocals and quietly turn down
Sylk’s. The group go on to play a
club. I say play; I mean Sylk mimes to
Billie’s vocals whilst Billie and friends flap their arms about as if they are
trying to flag down the 56 bus into town.
Resident DJ, Julian ‘Dice’ Black, (Max Beesley), is
impressed with Sylk’s voice but confused.
He seemed to remember that Sylk was more Whitley Bay than Whitney
Houston, but all becomes clear as Billie sings the song a capella. Realising Billie is the true talent, (and I
am using the word talent in its broadest terms), Dice tries to buy Billie's
contract from manager Timothy Walker, (Terrence Howard). They settle on $100,000, a bag of salt 'n'
shake crisps and a free go on Dice's BMX.
It's not long before Billie signs with a major record label
and has recorded her first single.
Billie, ever loyal to her friends Louise and Roxanne, drops them like a
bad smell when they are deemed not sexy enough for her music video. Their fame growing, Billie and Dice celebrate
their new found smugness by going to dinner.
Dice then invites Billie back to his for coffee and the inevitable
happens, they get giggy with it for all of 5 seconds.
Billie's happiness and success is in stark contrast for her
sadness at being given up by her mother.
She writes a song about her mother called 'You Bitch', (or it might have
been 'Reflections', I was zoning out by this point and pretty much making
things up to keep myself amused), and tries to track her down but with no
success.
Whilst performing at the USA Music Awards, (she really does
ride the success of 1 single), she meets a fellow musician, (again, I'm using
musician in its broadest terms), Rafael, (Eric Benet) and they both
agree that they should write a song together.
Dice infers this as 'should make whoopee together' and kicks up a
storm. He orders Billie home, kicks
Louise and Roxanne out of the limo and writes a very stern letter to his MP.
Ultimately Billie forgives Dice's bad behaviour as she is grateful
for him believing in her and giving her the opportunity. However, when Timothy comes round to the flat
and threatens Billie for non-payment of $100k and the go on the BMX, Dice sees
red and beats him up. He gets arrested
and tries to apologise to Billie, but she is having none of it and leaves
him. He does protest, but Billie says,
'Sorry, but no Dice'.
Billie tries to put all this behind her but can't and
realising she has made a mistake rushes back to Dice's flat. Dice is not there, but Billie decides to
break in anyway and whilst nosing around finds a piece of music Dice has
written for Billie. She has a cry,
kisses the sheet music and then cleans the toilet with his tooth brush, (OK the
last one may not have happened.
Remember, I was zoning out people!).
Dice notices that his breath smells funny, despite the fact
the he has just brushed his teeth and also discovers lipstick on the sheet
music. Realising it is not his colour,
he suspects Billie has been round and has read the music he wrote for
her. Thinking, 'I'm back in there' he
rushes off to find Billie so we can all have a happy ending. Timothy has other ideas and shoots him dead.
Billie learns of the murder just before she is about to go
on stage and sing. Distraught, sad and
upset, she shows compassion by carrying on with the show so that the spotlight
is all on her again. She mutters
something about not taking things for granted and then belts out her one and
only hit, (or it could have been another song, it really is difficult to
tell!).
Billie finds a note from Dice which he had conveniently
written just before meeting his maker.
It tells her that he loves her, that he might have to try a new
toothpaste and that he's found Billie's mother. The movie ends with Billie finally re-united
with her mother and I'm finally re-united with my dinner.
So the first question I have to ask is, ‘does anyone know
which decade this movie is supposed to be set in’? We are supposed to start off in the 80’s, but
it looks like the 50’s, we then move to the early 90’s, (I think, or it could be late 80's), but despite
the 10+ years Carey has not aged one day and everyone is walking around in the
background with mobile phones. (Yes,
there were mobiles in the 80’s but those few which owned one, had to carry them
around in forklift trucks with a trailer attached for the battery).
If we don’t know which decade this is set, then Max Beesley
does not seem to know which country he is from.
I’m guessing by the occasional twang in his voice, he is supposed to be
American, but it really is hard to tell.
Maybe he tries to be too specific in his accent in that I think he is
trying to do a NE USA accent, possibly New York and I’m probably splitting
hairs as he has only just missed the mark.......by about 3,500 miles east of New York.
If you can differentiate which decade they are in or Beesley’s
accent, then congratulations and your next challenge is to differentiate
between the songs which Carrey sings throughout. The songs in Glitter are like 90’s group
Rednex’s ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ and ‘Old Pop in an Oak’, or 90’s band Biohazard’s
albums ‘Urban Discipline’ and ‘State of
the World Address’ or anything Coldplay have ever done in that it all sounds
the bloody same! From what I have read,
there are at least 6 different songs, but there is no discernible difference;
they are all bland diva ballad pieces of crap.
The songs are unoriginal and dull, but then again, so is the
acting. Frequently it feels like we have
just walked onto a set where the ‘actors’ are reading their scripts for the
first time. You want to say to them, ‘sorry
guys, shall we come back when you’ve rehearsed the lines for a bit’, but you
know the response will be, ‘No, it’s OK, this’ll do’.
In fairness, the script isn’t great anyway. It’s full of clichés and holes and does
nothing to help with the character development.
Without doubt, this leads to the biggest problem with this movie, which
for me is the main characters, Billie and Dice, and their journey throughout the
movie.
Firstly Dice, why and
how did he turn from a really nice guy into an arrogant, nasty, control-freak? There is nothing in his character throughout
the first half of the movie which would suggest this is going to ever happen
and it is totally out of character and completely unbelievable that such a
massive transformation could occur. I
can understand that you want the audience to be surprised, but you need to
build the character in such a way, that it’s not beyond the realms of possibility
that he could turn. You wouldn’t make ‘The
Piers Morgan Story’ and have him turning out to be a thoroughly nice
bloke. Who on earth would believe that?
Lastly, Billie, and it is this character, the main
character, which is the single biggest problem with this movie.
I get the impression that we are supposed to feel sorry for
Billie, with her ‘difficult’ childhood, being abandoned by her mum and being
fostered. I then get the feeling we are
supposed to cheer, when, against all odds, Billie becomes a successful solo
artist. The problem is, however, that
throughout the journey, Billie comes over as a self-obsessed, ego-centric,
diva.
For example, when Billie learns of Dice’s death, does she
break down in grief that the man who helped her on her career, her true love, has
been brutally murdered? No! She thinks, ‘wow, this is a good time to sing
my new single. Should shift a few copies’.
Whilst I exaggerate for effect, this
hardly warms the audience to her. I
believe this movie is supposed to be semi-autobiographical and that’s the
problem, Billie, like Carey, is an easily unlikable character.
Glitter has to be the most self-obsessed, blandest piece of
crap I have ever witnessed and the only way I can think of making this any
worse, would have been to re-cast Madonna as Billie. This is not a heart-breaking story of a struggle
to the top against all odds, it is Mariah Carey shouting at the top of her
voice, 'ME ME ME, look at ME, I’M the star, ME, ME, ME’.
In the end Carey did achieve one thing, proving the well
known saying that 'all that Glitter is not gold'.
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