Firstly, a confession, I wanted to like Glitter, I REALLY did.
It’s
so obviously a Mariah vanity project, yet I was still expecting (hoping for) a
cross between Flashdance and Coyote Ugly. The poor girl with unsavoury
background shakes off childhood heartache and orphanage education to become and
star and find a man. Come on, the movie is called Glitter, this should be a
camp feel-good extravaganza. I mean it’s likely Mariah is going to sing a lot
and potentially ruin it, but who knew she would only sing one song, over and,
over and over again throughout?
It’s
starts off with a young Billie (Mariah) joining her struggling musical artiste
mother on stage, in what looks like a 1920s jazz bar. Although we can only
assume it’s actually meant to be the 70s, shame no one let the costume
department know. In fact the only consistent theme throughout this movie is the
inconsistency of which decade it is supposedly set it. Anyway, the first gig
goes well, the mother dumps her in an orphanage soon after.
Skip
forward to the 80s, or 90s, or 60s, who even knows, certainly not the costume
department. Billie’s outfits skip from early 2000s Destiny’s Child, you know the
days when Beyonce‘s mum was out the back running them up on a sewing machine
out of chiffon and bacofoil, to TLC circa the 90s and back again. The outfits
never quite manage to appear in anyway 80s. It’s distracting, but then I
suspect that is a good thing.
Billie
is now living with two friends in the Big Apple and whilst wearing outfits from
the future, they form a girl band, but are soon relegated to backing singers.
Billie doesn’t’ really seem to mind this until Kelly and Michelle (Yes, I am
using the names of past Destiny’s Child members because I can’t remember the
character’s names) point out that she is wasting her mothers gift, which is
apparently her voice.
Billie
seems in more of a hurry to bag a man, which she does with customary ease. In rolls
Dice (Max Beesley, no I don’t know why he is in this film either). There is at
some point a sex scene, if you could call it that. I’ve witnessed more
chemistry in the waiting room for a smear test.
Having
snared herself a hapless international superstar DJ boyfriend, she then decides
she really does want to be a star. In Glitterland that seems to mean singing
the same song, over and over again until somebody finally caves and agrees to
let her sing at Madison Square Gardens.
Oh, and she absolutely must track down her long lost mother.
With
the Madison Square Garden’s gig somehow, on the back on one single, firmly in
the bag, she can of course ditch the boyfriend. One staged limo argument later
Dice is dust. Freshly dumped, the hapless international superstar DJ ex-boyfriend
manages to get himself shot in the most unconvincing music turf war since 50
Cent and Ja Rule. Now Dice really is dust.
Despite
being so upset about her missing mother she almost sang a different song at one
point, Billie manages to walk straight past her in the street, leaving her
there, homeless crack-addled and forgotten. This might be as likeable as
Mariah’s character ever gets.
Un-phased
by her murdered ex-boyfriend and homeless mother, the show at Madison Square
Garden’s must go on. At least I think she goes through with the show, I have started
trying to scratch my own eyeballs with popcorn kernels at this point.
Life
goal unlocked, she goes back to the quest for her mother. Naturally Billie’s mother,
having seemingly completed the worlds fastest and most successful rehabilitation
program is now sober and living in a big house in the country. They hug. The film ends. Thank fuck.
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