For our next movie, there was a very real possibility
that Wes and I would have to learn Italian. This is because the next film in
our list is Italian and we were having problems finding an English version.
Heck, we were actually finding it hard to find this film in any language!
Our next movie, Ator
L'Invincibile 2, was proving so elusive, that the dreaded prospect of having to
return to our 'reserve bad movie list' seemed likely. Regular readers will know
that as punishment for not being able to watch the movie on our list, we would
not have to watch one from the 'subs bench', but two. If this resulted in 2
movies starring Jennifer Lopez, then there was a real possibility I would not
be around to see next Christmas.
So we tried even
harder to find this movie, but it was tough. Whether this is because the movie
is Italian, or whether this is because the movie seems to have multiple titles,
(Ator: The Blade Master, Cave Dwellers and Ator: The Return are among the other
names) or whether it is because I spent the first few weeks looking for the
wrong movie, (I was looking for Ator, the movie is Ator 2!), is debatable, but
finally, to loud cheers from me, Wes found a copy and we were saved!
After 90 minutes, 2
J-Lo movies didn't seem like such a bad idea after all.......
Akronas, (Charles
Borromel), a wise man and teacher of great warriors has discover something
called a Geometric Nucleus, a weapon so powerful that it can destroy the whole
of mankind. Akronas realises the seriousness of this weapon and the devastation
this could cause if it ends up in the wrong hands and makes the sensible
decision to destroy it.
However, the evil
Zor, (David Brandon), is already on his way to Akronas's castle, (presumably to
take the Nucleus, kill Akronas and to visit the gift shop). Zor is a former
pupil of Akronas, so he knows how dangerous he is. Akronas decides to send his
daughter, Mila, (Lisa Foster), off to find the great warrior, goody two-shoes
and only man who can stop Zor, Ator.
We then get a back
story of Ator, told by Akronas, which is essentially a clip show of the
original movie. Nothing really stands out for me to report to you, but it does
appear that the original was incredibly lucky not to make our list.
Back to the present
and with Mila leaving the castle to find Ator, Zor takes this opportunity to
take control of the castle and to hold Akronas hostage. He explains he won't
kill Akronas as he wants to show the world he is merciful, (which off course,
he is not, as this now means we have to be subjected to another 80 minutes of
this movie).
Zor's guards chase
after Mila and manage to shoot her with an arrow from about 5 feet away. The
arrow lodges in Mila's chest but does not kill her and she manages to carry on
her journey. Eventually she finds Ator's lair and collapses on his floor. Ator,
who knows blood is hell to get out of carpet, picks her up and lies her down.
He then notices the arrow and sets to work.
Ator, apparently, is
a fully qualified surgeon and gets to work on very slowly pulling out the
arrow. Whilst it seems odd that a warrior such as Ator, should also have an
encyclopedic knowledge of human anatomy, it's nowhere near as odd as Ator's
assistant, Thong, (Chen Wong), putting leaves on Mila's face and then taking
them off again.
This odd ritual
carries on for what seems like an eternity and just as I'm about to make sure
that the movie hasn't got stuck on a very slow loop, Mila recovers and all is
good. Hurrah!
Mila explains to Ator
that Akronas is in trouble and that Zor is about to nick the Nucleus thingy.
Ator agrees to accompany Mila to Akronas's castle and drags along Thong, who
has no say whatsoever in the matter.
The journey to
Akronas's castle is one of boredom danger. They encounter cave folk
who seem to think Ator would be look better served on a bed of lettuce with a
side of Mila's liver, a cult who throw them into a pit in which they are
attacked by a giant puppet snake and the world's worst Samurai
warrior who, from what I can tell, defeats himself by tripping over his own
shoe lace.
They eventually reach
the castle and knowing that Zor's guards will be defending it in numbers, try
to work out a way to storm the castle and take the guards by surprise. Luckily,
Ator just so happens to have a hang glider lying around, (seriously), and so
flies to the castle, dropping socks full of dynamite onto the guards, thinning
the numbers, (from around 4 guards to 1, but more on the low quantity of extras
later).
Ator, Mila and Thong
are now in the castle and Ator tracks down Zor for one last fight. Ator defeats
Zor but spares his life at the request of Akronas. However, when Zor stands up
and tries to give Ator a hug with a sharp pointy thing, Thong kills Zor.
Akronas realises that
the Nucleus must be destroyed and Ator rides off with it. This is when we learn
that a) The Nucleus looks suspiciously like a cafetiere and b) it's actually an
atom bomb and with that a mushroom cloud signals Ator has successfully
destroyed the Nucleus. The world is safe; Hurrah, (again)!
Joe d'Amato, the
writer and director of Ator unashamedly tried to cash in on the success of the
Conan The Barbarian films and indeed this movie has the look and feel of a film
which has been rushed out quickly in order to make a fast buck. In their haste
they forgot a few things: actors, action, story, drama, and anything remotely
interesting.
I say actors, but I
will admit that it is hard to fully assess the acting skills as the movie is
dubbed. There is one issue I have though and that is the movies looks like it
was shot in English, dubbed into Italian and then re-dubbed back into English.
The sound of the voices does match the mouth movements, albeit out of time as
if you are watching digital channel through an analogue speaker.
So as I can't hear
the actor's voices, I can't really judge their acting skills. Physically, I can
tell you Zor has a haircut which appears to have been done with a set square,
Ator looks like Conan had Aldi been in charge of costume and from what I can tell,
the actors were not taught how to sword fight. This is because all the actors
seem to flap their blades around as if they had a floppy sex aid in their hands
and are trying to swat a fly.
As the entire cast
seems to consist of around 7 people, it is hard to judge the ensemble case.
Ator and the others come across ‘heavily’ guarded areas of around 2 or 3
people. The sparseness of the outside world, (the cave does have some people
grunting in numbers, but that’s about it throughout the movie), really does
give this movie the budget feel. The fight with the ‘snake’ only heightens this
feeling as the ‘snake’ is very obviously an oversized draught excluder. That
being said, the ‘snake’ is by far the best actor of the movie.
The budget feeling
continues with the soundtrack. A lot of movies in the 80’s suffered from using
synthesisers as their soundtrack and today this has made some movies feel
outdated. Ator is no exception but as well as an outdated synth, they seem to
have also decided that an 8-bit score would also elevate this movie. The
result? A horrible noise which resembles a stylophone being nailed to a Sega
Master System. I would rather listen to Joe Pasquale sings Alvin and the
Chipmunks through rusty barbed wire headphones than this soundtrack.
I would pick apart
the story line, but there isn’t one. I could actually have done the whole
blog on twitter and still had character change to spare: Evil Zor goes to castle, kidnaps
Akronas, Mila gets Ator, Ator appears on handglider, defeats Zor. This movie is shite.
#100badmovies.
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